AMFUYA
by His Excellency TeenageAngst
Summary: Michael Awesomerocks and Hoshizamihirigami take on the Pokemon League Challenge and learn the true meaning of Awesome along the way!
1. Chapter 1

The Adventure of My Foot Up Your Ass

By TeenageAngst

Michael Awesomerocks was just about to get his first Pokemon to start out on his journey. He was 18 because he spent 8 years doing awesome things like playing guitar and talking about women and hunting with a sawed off shotgun uzi. When he showed up at the lab he burst through the door and proclaimed, "Hey Prof. Oak, you wanted to talk to me?"

"Yes I did, Mike, I got a new shipment of pokemans for you," said the Professor, his lab coat perfectly accenting his square head.

"It's 'Pokemon' you English faggot. What kinds you got? I want one that shoots lasers and shit."

"We have a Charmander, it can shoot fire."

"Fire's good enough," said Michael as he picked up the pokeball and let the Pokemon out. Charmander came out and was all bright eyes and happy faced.

"I'm gonna name you Hoshizamihirigami," said Mike.

"Charmander!" said Hoshizamihirigami.

"Fantastic. Well I dunno about you but I'm ready to go kick some ass. Let's get adventuring," Mike yelled.

"Mike, stop, you gotta take a pokedex with you it contains information and shit," said Prof. Oak.

"Your mom contains information and shit but I'm not bringing her along."

"God damn it, Mike, just take the fucking gadget."

"Does it have bluetooth?"

"Yes, it has bluetooth."

"Fuck yeah, bitch."

At this point a Ram 3500 burst through the wall of the lab with daisy chained beer kegs occupying it's enormous bed. A drunken frat boy poked his head out the window and yelled, "Yo, Mike! It's me, your rival, Barry!"

"Gary!" Mike exclaimed.

"Yeah, whatever dude." Gary flung his head in the general direction of Prof. Oak, "Anyshwayz, I'm here to pick up my pokaymans uncle Prof!"

Prof. Oak threw a pokeball and pokedex to Gary, "Here you go, nephew. This one's a Squirtle, the water type should be good against Michael's Charmander."

"Seriously? What the fuck?" Mike said.

Gary laughed, "Sorry, bro! I don't make the rules!" with this he threw his truck in reverse, stuffed the tube leading to the barrels of Coors Light in his mouth, and blasted his stereo, "Smell ya later!"

"Time to get adventuring!" Mike Awesomerocks said. He took Hoshizamihirigami and his pokedex, jumped on a Katana 600, and sped off in a wheelie. They were headed toward Viridian City but nearly ran over some motherfucker in the middle of the road. Mike stopped and got off his bike to see what the shithead was doing.

"You maniac, you nearly killed me!" exclaimed the frightened pedestrian. Mike sweat dropped and face planted and made that weird face where your eyes shrink and your hair leaks blue and some other gay ass anime shit.

"Sorry dude, where you headed?"

"Viridian, I work at the shop there."

"Hop on I'll give you a ride."

The pedestrian hopped on the bike with Mike and together they got to Viridian City in record time. He dropped the motherfucker off and went to see the city. After meeting the local chicks and wailing on some guitar solos on a Fender that happened to be conveniently located in the middle of town for awesome people he went to the local Pokemon Center.

"Yo sup, what is this place?" he said to the person at the counter.

"This is where we heal sick Pokemon, I'm Nurse Joy," said the nurse in the skimpy outfit.

"You can be my Joy anyday."

"That was the worst pickup line ever," Joy said.

"Your mom is the worst pickup line ever. Besides I own a motorcycle so fuck you."

He then left and went to the mart.

"What the fuck is a mart?" he said to the shopkeep.

"It's where you buy supplies for your adventures!" said the spunky 16 year old behind the counter.

"Okay, I'm gonna need some... full heals I guess. I don't want Hoshizamihirigami to get hurt."

"We have none."

Mike looked a bit upset, "Okay, then how about some ultra balls, they sounded pretty awesome on the commercial."

"We don't carry those, sir."

Mike got kinda pissed, "What do you have, all this inexpensive junk? Okay, I'll have a few potions."

"We're sold out, sir," said the overly cheery kid.

"God mother fucking cunt banging damn it just what the fuck do you have?" Mike burst out.

"Pokeballs, every new trainer needs them to start their new adventure!" said the kid without so much as a flinch.

"I'm about to start the adventure of my foot up your ass you perky cum stain. Fuck this place," Mike stated.

"Have a nice day, sir," the kid said. Mike ran out, called Chuck Norris and Mr. T on his iPhone who arrived by a velociraptor helicopter, and watched them walk in the mart, causing it to explode.

Mike Awesomerocks then hopped on his bike and headed for Viridian forest. On the way he hit an old man in the road which improved his mood.


	2. Chapter 2

As we left Michael Awesomerocks he had just ran over an elderly man protesting in the road as he sped towards Viridian Forest. Upon arriving in the forest he found the grass was too tall for high speed biking so he threw the Katana into low gear. Suddenly, he saw rustling in the tall grass.

"Alright!" said Mike, "A wild Pokemon!" The rustling grew closer as Mike pulled his bike over. Suddenly a trainer leapt out at him and screamed "BATTLE!" Mike panicked as the trainer ran at him like a raving lunatic.

"Who the fuck are you?" inquired Mr. Awesomerocks.

"Go! Super bug Pokemon!" said the trainer.

"I said who the fuck are you you creepy kid!"

The bug catcher ignored him and instead threw his pokeball. It bounced off the ground where out popped a Weedle.

"The fuck is that...?" Mike wondered as he synced his pokedex to his bluetooth headset. Soon it's robot voice mumbled in his ear:

"Weedle, a worm bug thing. Pathetically weak, has poison, does some other shit."

"'Kay, no problem for Hoshizamihirigami," said Mike as he threw his own pokeball. Hoshizamihirigami emerged, ready for action.

"Use flamethrower!" said Mike. Hoshizamihirigami looked at him and said, "Charmander!" which translates loosely to, "What'chu talkin' 'bout, Willis?"

"Mother fucker you don't know that yet, okay just scratch his ass," Mike said. Hoshizamihirigami used scratch and the Weedle got all cut up. It doubled back and launched at Hoshizamihirigami with it's poison head but he knew it was coming so he dodged that shit.

"Charmander!" said Hoshizamihirigami, meaning, "Mike, I don't think you know what you're doing. You have to use your Pokemon's type and strengths to your advantage."

"Just pimp slap his ass!" Mike said and Hoshizamihirigami wailed on the bitch. Next thing you know the Weedle is passed out on the ground and Hoshizamihirigami is super strong.

"Darn!" said the bug catcher and threw some money at Mike Awesomerocks.

"Alright, we won our first battle!" Mike said.

"Charmander!" said Hoshizamihirigami: "And now you know all about Pokemon strengths, like my strong pimp hand!"

"And knowing is half the battle!" said G.I. Joe.

Then Michael turned to the bug catcher, "You still never told me who you are." The trainer just stood there, saying nothing. "Dude, we just battled, you can talk to me. I'm Mike."

The trainer still said nothing.

"Fuck you, bitch," Mike said as he pulled out his iPhone and called Samuel L. Jackson who arrived in a zeppelin.

"I've had enough of these motherfucking trees in this motherfucking forest!" he said and leveled the entire forest with his 9mm Barretta. The collateral was huge, and by huge I mean a shit-ton of dead Pokemon. On the plus side, all the bug catchers were dead so Mike did some sweet wheelies and stuff on their corpses before continuing to Pewter City.


	3. Chapter 3

Like a Ninja Turtle strapped to a Saturn rocket, Michael Awesomerocks sped towards Pewter City. Upon his arrival he pulled over his Katana and noticed something different about the town. He couldn't quite place his finger on it, so he read the city sign:

"Pewter City, The grayest city on earth, wishes our gym leader Brock O'Blahma luck in his presidency."

"That's right, this is Brock's home city!" Mike said to himself and made his way to the Pokemon Center. Inside he found a nurse exactly like the one in the previous city.

"Welcome to our Pokemon Center! We'll restore your Pokemon to perfect health!" the nurse said.

"Okay!" said Mike and he handed over Hoshizamihirigami. She put the pokeball in a machine. A few beeps sounded and she took it out.

"Your Pokemon is fully healed!" the nurse said.

"Damn, that was fast!" Mike replied as he turned to leave.

"We hope to see you again!"

Mike stopped dead in his tracks, "You hope to see me again? This is a fucking hospital." The nurse just stood there and smiled sweetly. "Are you saying you want Hoshizamihirigami to get beat up again? What, do you fucking like me or something? Is this some kinda sick joke, cause bitch I ain't laughing." The nurse just stood there. Michael went out to his bike and pulled out his sawed off shotgun uzi, then ran back inside and put it to the nurse's face. "BITCH!" he said, "IF YOU FUCKING THREATEN MY POKEMON AGAIN YOUR FACE IS GONNA BE ALL OVER THE GODDAMN WALL!" The nurse was paralyzed with fear. "NOW GET IN THE KITCHEN AND MAKE ME A MOTHERFUCKING SANDWICH!"

One sandwich later Mike was making his way to the museum. The doorman demanded $50 to get in so Mike called a local baptist church and told them a museum nearby was teaching science. Within minutes protesters and bible distributors had surrounded the building, closing it for the day.

Mike then rode to the gym. He got off his bike, went inside, and found some dork standing by a pillar.

"Hey! You're trying to be the Pokemon League champ right? This gym leader is Brock and he trains Rock type Pokemon, don't try to use fire types here!" said the strange man.

"Fuck off, bitch, I'll use whatever the hell I want," Mike said. He then encountered the first junior trainer.

"You're lightyears away from meeting Brock!" he said.

"Lightyears are a measure of distance you pillock, he's right over there," Mike slyly retorted.

"Brock stands for CHANGE! O'BLAHMA 08! GO! Sandshrew!" Out popped a little rat thing made of rock.

"GO! Hoshizamihirigami!" Mike said and Hoshizamihirigami came out.

"Sandshrew, use tackle!" The rat thing attacked Hoshizamihirigami.

"Charmander!" said Hoshizamihirigami, which is Pokemon for "Aw fuck no, bitch, you messed up ma colors!"

"Hoshizamihirigami, cap dat foo!" Mike said. Hoshizamihirigami pulled a nine out and blasted that nigga all over the gym. The junior trainer handed over some money and just stood there, not saying a thing. For once Michael was thankful for this because he didn't want to be liable for paying to clean that mess up.

Another trainer ran up to fight but Hoshizamihirigami just capped his ass too so it was just Mike and Brock.

"I'm Brock, I chose rock types because I stand for rock hard determination!"

"I thought you stood for change..." Mike said.

"I stand for..." Brock squinted at a teleprompter on the wall. "...You don't believe in hope."

"Whatever, go Hoshizamihirigami!" Mike yelled.

"Go, Geodude!" Brock yelled and out came a big boulder thing with arms.

"Hoshozamihirigami, cap his ass!" Hoshizamihirigami fired at Geodude but the bullets just bounced off no matter how sideways he turned his gun.

"Geodude, rock throw!" Brock commanded as huge boulders came crashing around Hoshizamihirigami. Fortunately, the rock throw missed.

"Hoshizamihirigami, use scratch!" Hoshizamihirigami attacked the Geodude, but then...

"-HOPE! CHANGE! YES WE CAN!" Hoshizamihirigami's attack had no effect. He tried again and "-NATIONAL HEALTHCARE!" Again, nothing.

"Hoshizamihirigami, it's hopeless, we can never beat Brock O'Blahma as long as he has his brilliant speeches!" Mike said wearily. Hoshizamihirigami put his gun back in his pants as the Geodude tackled him head on, bouncing him against the wall and smashing one of the teleprompters.

"HOPE! CH- umm...I uhh..." Brock looked for his back up propter, "CHANGE! FOR THE FUTURE!"

Mike was struck by the thunder of the gods of thunder. So like, Zeus. Only instead of thunder it was lightning, so it made a thunder sound. And instead of lightning it was an idea, which kind of felt like being struck by lightning, except it didn't cause permanent physical disabilities, "That's it, the source of his power! Hoshizamihirigami, attack the teleprompters!" Hoshizamihirigami shot out all the screens in the room.

"Charmander!" said Hoshizamihirigami, meaning "Goddamn, hit every one o' dem bitches, check out special agent Hoshizamihirigami, ladies."

"I uhh... we have to...stand...for the...umm...future of change is...what I mean to say...for the black community to...a series of tubes...I believe...build a bridge together..." Brock started to panic.

"NOW!" Mike yelled as Hoshizamihirigami loaded a grenade launcher onto his 9mm and fired. Brock O'Blahma and his Geodude were blown away, in fact most of the gym was. All that remained were a TM and a badge. Mike pinned the badge on his shirt, picked up the machine, collected Hoshizamihirigami, and headed for Mount Moon.


	4. Chapter 4

We join Michael Awesomerocks on his trip to Mount Moon. Dark begins to fall as he winds the mountain path towards the beginning of the tunnel. As the trail ends he sees a Pokemon Center to the side of the road. Feeling a bit hungry, Mike pulls over and walks inside. When the door opens he's greeted by blood streaks on the floor, smears on the walls, and bits of organs on the desk. The air is filled with the scent of decay. Michael knew this could mean only two things. Either pumas attacked, or zombies. Mike got out his iPhone and linked it to the T-Mobile hotspot, then did a search for zombie survival.

Zombie Defense:

Knives* are relatively worthless in zombie attacks. Zombies are unaffected by loss of bodily fluids or limbs, rendering knives useless. Pistols are only good if they're a high enough caliber to deal significant damage. Automatic weapons are much more effective but a high rate of fire makes aiming for critical areas difficult.

The best line of defense against a zombie is the shotgun, the lower the gauge the better. A 20 gauge may stop a zombie but a 12 gauge will blow it to hell. Since zombies know no fear and feel no pain, physically preventing the zombie from pursuing is necessary. Explosions are good for mass zombie extermination but in close quarters the shotgun is preferred. Nuclear holocausts are ill advised as these have been known to actually increase the zombie infestation.

In the event of a zombie infestation, do not panic. Zombies can smell fear. Arm yourself with a large, heavy weapon and preferably a 10 or 12 gauge shotgun. Explosives are a fine addition to your zombie survival kit and rigging the building you're occupying to explode is a good idea. Always err on the side of caution with zombies. If you find yourself unarmed or out in the open, run. Zombies are generally slow and dim witted and while dangerous in numbers are easy to evade in open areas.

Lastly, if bitten by a zombie be sure to take your own life lest you become another zombie. There is no cure for zombie. However, only bites from genuine zombies are contagious. Common impersonators are: Skeletons, vampires, werewolves, shape shifters, and young children. Skeletons possess no flesh and thus no zombie virus. Vampires are actually better than humans so getting bitten is a good thing. Werewolves are similar to zombies but not as bad, still avoid. Shape shifters possess no infections foreign to humans. Young children are irritating and have been known to bite entire lines at the supermarket. Approach with extreme caution.

*Please note "knives" refers only to small, one-handed blades. Halberds, axes, claymores, and maces all make fine zombie repellant.

"That was informative and helpful," said Michael Awesomerocks. He returned to his Katana 600 and removed the uzi from his shotgun uzi, making it a five shot 12 gauge shotgun. Grabbing a handful of shells and with Hoshizamihirigami on his belt he swaggered up the mountain and into the tunnel. Inside the light was dim, the electric lights guiding the way were dusty and some were blown, as if the tunnel hadn't been maintained in some time. As he got further in the sound of irritated Pokemon caught his attention. Zubat flew erratically overhead, the sound of tunneling Onix rumbled in the distance. Mike made his way around the corner to see a Pokemon trainer standing in the shadows.

At first Michael was relieved, that is until he entered the trainer's line of sight. Her eyes were emotionless, the flesh on her face was scratched and festering and her teeth were sharpened to points. With a lumbering charge she came at Mike, teeth bared. Mike readied his gun as she closed the distance. She leaped at him with clawed hands. A single shot echoed off the cave walls as Michael stood, splattered with blood. The zombie lay motionless and in several pieces at his feet. He could hear shuffling behind him so he ran for the staircase.

On the next level he encountered three zombies feasting on one of their own. He blasted one's head off as the other two turned on him. Mike walked forward, pumping and firing. A second zombie was shot down. The third lunged at him, knocking Mike against the cave wall as his final shot was fired, punching a hole in the zombie's chest. The pursuing zombies were already half way up the stairs as Mike started running again around corner after corner. He encountered another zombie at the end of a hallway, but this one was armed. It fired an automatic pistol at Mike so he ducked inside a crevice. Mike fumbled to reload but the zombies were closing in. He could hear the scuffling feet as pushed the last shell in. As the zombie approached the crevice Michael smashed it's face with the butt of the gun, pumped a shell into the chamber, and blew it's head off. It was too late, the pursuing zombies caught up with him.

"I choose you, Hoshizamihirigami!" Mike yelled, calling upon his Charmander. Hoshizamihirigami popped out, ready for action. "Use ember attack!"

Hoshizamihirigami covered the floor with flaming embers, the zombies were burned and forced back by the bright flames. Michael Awesomerocks tried to reach one of his contacts on his iPhone but the reception in the middle of a mountain tunnel is really bad so he had no signal. He motioned for Hoshizamihirigami to follow him into a side corridor, down another flight of stairs, and eventually into a small room. On the top of a mound of dirt was another zombie. Hoshizamihirigami attacked, burning it and scratching it from undeath to death. Mike noticed an emblem on the tattered zombie's shirt; a large red "R".

"Team Rocket, they must be behind the zombie attack," Mike thought out loud. He then turned his attention to two large fossils floating on some quicksand. Michael would have thought about why there was quicksand in the middle of a mountain or why there would be fossils floating on it but instead he just grabbed one. When he did, the other sank almost on queue beneath the goop. Mike and Hoshizamihirigami ran out of the cave and emerged blinking into the early dawn. Finally able to get some reception Mike called Neil Patrick Harris who picked him up in his car and drove him to Cerulean City.


	5. Chapter 5

After stopping at a his favorite brothel to brand a prostitute, Neil Patrick Harris dropped Mike Awesomerocks off at Cerulean City. Mike tried to go to the gym but the gym leader was out and about so after playing some Rock Band at Best Buy he decided to check out the bridge north of town. As he approached he was stopped by a blockade.

"Hey! We're challenging all trainers passing by this way. If you beat all five of us we'll give you a golden nugget!" said one of the blockading trainers.

"Hey, how about you fuck off. I'm busy," Mike retorted.

"You can't deny a challenge from..." they lined up in various ludicrous poses, "...THE GINYU FORCE!"

"Yes I can, I said 'fuck off'," Mike said with slight irritation.

"Lets see how you stand against RECOOM!" The one with red hair and mental retardation charged at Michael. A powerful kick, aided by Recoom's retard-strength, sent Mike flying off into various cliffs. With the aid of the magic of crossover fanfiction Mike grunted for a solid minute, was engulfed in an air-flame, and flew back at Recoom, headbutting him in the stomach and breaking his armor. Recoom staggered to his feet and yelled "ERASER GUN!" as a pink bolt of energy was hurled at Mike. It was deflected with a wave of his hand and Mike rushed in and flung Recoom at the little green one.

"That's two down, Ginyu!" Michael Awesomerocks yelled.

"Lets see how you stand against whatever the hell the blue and red one are called!" Ginyu retorted. Both the aforementioned baddies attacked Mike but the fanfiction vortex was still active and dropped a Gundam on them.

Mike jumped into the air over the Gundam, "KA...ME..."

"NO! I cannot be defeated! I'm Captain Ginyu!"

"HA...ME..."

"Kamehameha wasn't even Japanese, he was an Hawaiian king that-"

"HA!" Michael's energy wave blasted Ginyu several solar systems away, leaving a huge crater that would likely be repaired by the time he was ready to fight the gym leader. As he walked to what used to be the end of the bridge a Team Rocket member approached.

"Congratulations, you've defeated the 5 challengers! Here's your prize!" He handed over a nugget.

"Thanks!" said Mike while scratching the back of his head and laughing.

"Would you like to join Team Rocket? We're always looking for strong trainers."

"No," said Mike.

"I'm afraid I must insist."

"No," said Mike.

"You don't understand. I'm Frieza, lord of everything. You will join my personal army or DIE!"

"No," said Mike.

"Very well then, you leave me no choice. It's rare that I transform anymore." Frieza turned into a white bald guy with a tail, "Now, YOU DIE!" He shot a death beam at Mike.

Mike was hit but his Sayan blood caused him to just get stronger, so strong in fact he became a SUPER SAYAN! He got up with golden hair all spiky and his shirt ripped with scratched skin. "IT'S OVEEEER FRIIIIEEEZAAAAA!" Mike said as he yelled so loud his power levels caused the nearby rocks to shatter. Frieza made this red and black glowing energy ball like a nuclear bomb but more powerful and was putting all his energy in it when Mike was like "AW HELL NAW!" and started making his own Spirit Bomb!

Frieza launched his energy ball at Mike and there was an explosion so big the camera had to pan out to the entire northern hemisphere but Mike was still standing there after the dust cleared with his spirit bomb. After 30 minutes or so of building it (Frienza was too scared to move) he fired the spirit bomg and an explosion so big happeend that the camera panned out to the whole world and like all of america exploded but Mike was still there and frieza lost his tail so he flew up in his space ship and got repaired but mike didn't know that so he continued on to the sea cottage as the fanficiton crossover vortex swallowed the Ginyus and the gundam and various pokeman and mike's hair into it then disappeared.

Michael Awesomerocks then approached a nearby sea cottage.


	6. Chapter 6

That's right, bitches, Michael Awesomerocks was just about to fuck some shit up at the sea cottage. As he walked up to the cottage he sensed something was amiss. The cottage was dark, there was no one around, and the mail box was bursting with letters. As Michael opened the door and peered through the darkness the whirr of computers welcomed him. He stepped inside and sniffed the air. Could it be? "Zombies..." Mike thought as he reached for his gun. He pumped a round in the chamber. He could hear the shuffling in the room. He flicked the light switch and saw...

Bill.

Well, it was kind of Bill. It was more a Pokemon in a labcoat. Mike's face did that anime thing where it turns into several geometric shapes to portray baffled amusement then asked, "What the hell, Bill?"

"I'm sorry," Bill said, "I would have greeted you properly but these Kabuto claws are rather difficult to use."

"Not at all I'm sure," Mike said, "how did this unfortunate transformation come about?"

"I dare say, I was working on a new experiment. I shan't go into details but let it be known it involved Shea LeBeauf and testosterone injections. Anyway, something went haywire and now as you can see, I'm a Pokemon."

"This is terrible news. Is there any way to correct this?" Mike inquired.

"Certainly. I need only reenter the chamber and reverse the procedure but my claws make that impossible."

"Allow me to assist," Mike said. He helped Bill into the chamber and activated the machine. A few whirrs and clicks later Bill emerged good as new.

"Well, I'm certainly very grateful," he remarked. Just then a Zombie Shea LeBeauf stumbled out of the adjacent capsule. Mike drew his shotgun with lightning reflexes. "NO!" cried Bill but it was too late. Mike fired, causing Shea LeBeauf to explode; releasing toxic amounts of testosterone into the air.

Mike and Bill staggered out of the cottage. "What in god's name was THAT!" Mike exclaimed.

"You blew up Shea LeBeauf! He had enough testosterone injected in him to provide facial hair for 400 babies!"

"Well shit, now what's gonna happen!"

"I don't know but I just got the sudden urge to go mountain biking!"

"OFF A CLIFF!" Mike said.

"ON FIRE!" Bill said.

"HOLD ON!" Mike said. He pulled out his iPhone to call Mr. T and Chuck Norris but ended up crushing it's girly stylishness in his blind rage. Thinking quickly, Mike grew a beard and extended it into the air to signal to his allies that it was time to do manly things. Like a beacon in the night, or a bacon to a fat kid, Chuck Norris and Mr. T arrived in their velociraptor helicopter. Bill and Mike jumped aboard.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO!" Mike asked.

"I DON'T KNOW!" Bill replied, throwing a bear into some jagged rocks. Mike was about to reply "ME EITHER" but stopped himself because he finally remembered what he wanted to do. He wanted to face the gym leader.

Mike had the helicopter land, drank an entire stein full of Jack Daniels, and opened the door. Suddenly, NINJAS! THOUSANDS OF THEM! Mike responded quickly, fending them off with awesome kung fu and some jujitsu and some Jews. Finally only HUNDREDS of ninjas remained. They stopped using swords and throwing stars and electric guitars and pulled out the secret ninja weapon. Every one of them popped an eleven foot boner and started attacking Mike. Mike popped several boners himself and fended off wave after wave, cock slapping them one by one.

Eventually, it was just Mike and the Ninja Lord. They clashed boners but they were equally matched so the ninja pulled out a guitar and started wailing. Mike was shaken by the awesomeness. He could feel his brain blowing apart. Immediately he grabbed a guitar off a dead ninja and started his own riffs. Metallica solo after Dragonforce solo was heard until you'd think the gods of metal themselves were playing. Then Mike threw the guitar in the air, slapped the strings with his boner, and created a note so hard even the Ninja Lord couldn't handle the awesome and committed seppuku with a frisbee.

Finally it was just Mike and Misty. Misty had her Pokemon out but Mike had several hundred boners by this point so they decided to pork instead. Hardcore. Several hours of porking later Misty said, "But Mike, I'm gonna be teen pregnant!"

"NOT A PROBLEM, BITCH!" Mike said. "FALCON PUNCH!" Mike's hammer dropped so hard the bitch coughed up several things that at some time in the future may have been babies. Misty passed out having finally had relations with a real ninja and Mike grabbed his second Gym badge. Bill was found dead three days later after overdosing on crystal meth. Mr. T went on to found the Ronald McDonald House charity network and Chuck Norris was last seen on the sun, round house kicking solar flares. Mike then proceeded to Vermillion City.


	7. Chapter 7

After stealing a Smart Car, Mike drove all the way through the underground tunnel to Vermillion City. He took off straight for the gym only to find he was obstructed by a shrubbery.

"This! WHAT IS THIS!" Mike said, "How am I supposed to get past this SMALL SHRUBBERY!" Of all the foes Mike faced, this was by far the toughest. After much faffing about Mike wandered the city to see if he could find something to bypass that shrubbery. Eventually this lead him to the famous Vermillion Docks. Bustling with people, these docks were a hub for all types of passenger and cargo shipping lanes. It looked like as good a place as any to explore, so Mike traveled off the beaten path a bit. After taking a wrong turn at some shipping crates his eyes were accosted by a horrendous vision involving two sailors. Normally Mike would have reached for his sawn off shot gun uzi, but this was pretty disgusting and he was too shocked to move. The sailors by this point had seen Mike and immediately began to incorporate him into-

-Sorry I needed some Doritos, where was I? Oh yeah. Mike staggered aboard the S.S. Anne, still muddled from the Vicodin. He immediately tried for the first aid station but ended up running into another sailor.

"Say pal, what's wrong?" the sailor inquired.

"I just... uhh... accidentally... a whole Coca-Cola bottle." Mike replied.

"You just what?"

"...a whole Coca-Cola bottle... what should I do... is this dangerous?"

"You need to complete your sentence, son, what happened to the Coca-Cola bottle?"

"It was an accident."

"What was an accident?"

"The whole thing."

"You're not making sense," The sailor was scratching his head and puckering his face in confused anime fashion.

"Maybe you'll understand if you know where I just came from. I was down at the docks and a couple of guys who were up to no good started making trouble in my neighborhood."

"I see..." the sailor replied.

"So yeah, they started messing around and the next thing I know I accidentally the whole bottle!"

"Umm..."

"It's starting to itch."

"Do you need medical attention?"

"Please."

Mike was lead to the first aid station where he was greeted by a nautical Nurse Joy, "Hi, what seems to be the problem here?"

"I accidentally a whole Coca-Cola bottle," Mike responded. The sailor just shrugged at the nurse. Then Mike noticed an old man throwing up in a nearby trash can.

"What's wrong with you, sea sick?" Mike asked.

"No... I'm the Captain and I just accidentally a whole bottle of absinth."

"Damn," Mike said.

"Yeah, it's worse than that time when I was a teacher and the administration found I accidentally 92mb of .rar files."

"Shit, that was you?" Mike asked.

"Yeah, it was me. Hey, take this HM, I don't think I'm gonna be able to use it anymore. They took my license after I accidentally two hippies thinking they were vegetation."

"Thanks!" said Mike. After finishing up in the first aid station Mike headed back to Vermillion City to take on the gym leader.


	8. Chapter 8

Michael Awesomerocks, having taught Hoshizamihirigami the HM move, cut open the hedge in front of the gym. Suddenly an MG42 ripped through the streets, instantly killing dozens of people. Michael ran for the gym door before mortar fire erupted the area into deadly clouds of dirt and shrapnel. His clothing was torn by the shards of metal as he scrambled inside. Looking around he found the gym was an enormous arena, complete with an authentic WWII arsenal. Noticing a conveniently placed gun rack Mike grabbed a BAR. He stepped toward the arena only to be pinned down by machine gun nests overlooking the gym. The ripping of bullets forced Michael to take cover in a mortar hole. Just then, Tom Hanks burst through the door in a tank followed by an entire platoon of soldiers.

"MICHAEL! STAY LOW, WE'RE GONNA GET YOU HOME!" Tom Hanks said. The machine guns took aim at the advancing soldiers. Each soldier sent out a Pokemon and opened fire with their rifles but after volleys were exchanged the battle was obviously one sided. Another wave of mortar fire struck the field and blew Michael out of the ditch and into the wall. When he regained consciousness he could hear screams through the ringing in his ears. His blurred vision revealed soldiers trying to stuff their intestines back into their gaping wounds. Some we crying, some were begging for morphine, most just laid there, unmoving except for the slow sucking sound of a punctured lung drowning them in their own blood. In the distance a Pikachu waded through the gore, searching for it's dismembered arm.

"WE HAVE TO FALL BACK!" Michael yelled to Tom Hanks, who had abandoned his tank to apply a med kit to a wounded soldier. As the boy lay there being patched up a shot rang out and struck the poor soul dead. Tom Hanks cursed ran for a trench in the arena where he regrouped with several other soldiers and Mike.

"Listen, we're not gonna be able to get out of here without punching a hole in their defenses. Michael, I need you to take up the machine gun nest we cleared. I'll have a sniper watching your position so you don't get anyone flanking you." Tom Hanks then turned to a rather wimpy looking soldier, "I need you to be Johnny on the spot with is ammo," he said as he gave the kid all the ammo reserves for no apparent reason.

"Shouldn't we all just carry ammo? I mean it's not like we're going anywhere once we're in position," Michael said.

"No, he's gonna worry about the ammo, you're gonna worry about keeping those soldiers at bay," Tom Hanks replied.

"What about this captured soldier?" The pathetic looking soldier said, pointing to a German in their midst begging for his life.

"Have him dig his own grave," Tom Hanks said. The German did and when he finished he was begging for his life again. The wimpy soldier was of course wimpy and instead of killing him he blindfolded him and sent him back to his comrades.

Tom Hanks then ordered everyone into position. Michael climbed the balcony and mounted the BAR's bipod. Then, out of nowhere a tank started rolling towards them. Out of the hatch popped Lieutenant Surge. He sent his Raichu into the lines of German soldiers.

"Now Raichu, so 'em a real Thundashock!" he commanded as Raichu fried the first line of soldiers. Michael opened fire, deafening cracks broke out as rifles fired and soldiers fell. The men were fighting hard but were running out of ammo. They cried out for supplies but were soon silenced by enemy guns. Michael wondered where the wimpy soldier was with all the ammo as he was running low himself. Then Michael noticed the tank's turret moving up. Before he could do anything the cannon took out the sniper post, killing his cover. Michael ran into a nearby pillbox for a better vantage point but stopped when he heard commotion up stairs. Down the stairs came the German soldier they'd captured, walking past the wimpy kid who was in the fetal position crying. The soldier carried in his hand a bloody knife. Michael shot him several times and smacked the wimpy kid before running upstairs, only to find a dead comrade with a gaping hole in his throat. Michael resumed fire from the window, as much as his remaining clip would allow. When he got a good look at the battlefield he was horrified. Tom Hanks was sitting on the ground, shot in the belly. The tank rolled towards him as he clinked away at it with his pistol. Finally, on the 4th shot, the tank inexplicably exploded. Michael took this opportunity to jump down and try to help Tom Hanks but he was already dead. Saddened, he turned to the tank.

Inside he found Lieutenant Surge's corpse, his Thunder badge gleaming in the gasoline fire. Michael took it, then ran over to Tom Hanks who he carried out of the gym right before it exploded from an aerial bombardment. Michael looked at Tom Hanks; the man had saved his life. He buried him where the cut tree was, stuck his gun into the ground and a pokeball on top. "Please... tell me I was a good man. Tell me I deserved to be saved. Tell me I was worth his life..." Michael said through painful tears.

"You were," said Bob Dylan.

Together they walked off into the sunset.


	9. Chapter 9

"Bob Dylan, why are you here anyway?" Michael asked as they headed towards Diglett Cave.

"There's some trouble brewin' in Rock Tunnel, Mike," he replied.

"Rock Tunnel! THE Rock Tunnel! Home to all the greatest rock bands in the world?"

"The one and the same."

They entered the cave and descended the ladder but didn't take 5 steps before they were attacked. Out of the dirt popped a particularly fierce Diglett. "Whoa! Wait a minute that doesn't look like a Diglett," Mike shouted.

"That there's a Niglett," Bob Dylan observed.

"YO cracka, you in ma yard," the Niglett said.

"We're on our way to Rock Tunnel. Please get out of the road if ya can't lend a hand," said Bob Dylan.

"Rock Tunnel! Nigga they be whack over there yo. Fuckin' emo ass bitches and death metal takin' over n'shit. Kickin' all the oldschool bands to da curb."

"What!" Mike exclaimed.

"Fo shizzle. Fuckin' wassit called, Iron Maiden's been tryin' to get it back but them death metals, they be all double bassin' an' shit so it's hard."

"We've gotta get over there and help them!"

"Fo sho fo sho, I'll tell ya what, how bout I help you out? They be costin' me all kindsa paper ever since they started usin' our mix machines."

"Okay!" Mike said.

"Ya'll gon' need some straps." Mike pulled out his sawed off shotgun uzi, Bob Dylan just held his guitar. "Coo, coo, but I gotta be sure ya'll know how to use dat jank. Lets battle."

"Ok. GO! HOSHIZAMIHIRIGAMI!" Charmander popped out and pulled out his 9.

"What it is."

"Charmander!" said Hoshizamihirigami, which means roughly, "What it is."

Niglett pulled out a 9 himself and the two started blasting each other.

5 minutes later the clips in their Berettas finally ran out. "Damn, where you learn yo cappin' did? I ain't seen a nigga hold his gun dat sideways since ma man Rayray got pissed off we kept him out back on some 40s," Niglett said.

"Charmander!" said Hoshizamihirigami. Mike couldn't understand him that time, something about diding something in a banged out trunk.

"Shiiit let's get goin'," Niglett said. They all hopped into his Cadillac with 40" rims and drove towards Rock Tunnel.


	10. Chapter 10

The Cadillac sped by the tunnel where a line of defensive drum machines were stationed. Pounding out double bass beats at inhuman speeds, they hit the resonant frequency of the car.

"AWW HELL NAW!" said Niglett as he cranked his quadruple-coned subwoofer and started flicking the hydraulics to counteract the effect. The massive booms from his 12" 1000 watt subs and his rhythmic bouncing neutralized the effect deadly drum machines, but just barely. "Ya'll make a break for the tunnel, I'll keep dem niggas off ya with some help from Busta Rhymes!"

Mike and Bob Dylan nodded, bailing from the car. Michael landed on his feet and started shooting up the drum machines as he ran. It seemed to have minimal effect as his bullets were shattered by the heavy beat. When they reached the entrance they saw broken instruments and the dead of lesser bands strewn about. The chugging of guitar riffs and low incoherent growls echoed off the cavernous walls. This was indeed death metal territory.

"Mike, things don't sound good. They've already made it past the barricades between the Alternative and Classic plateaus. We have to move fast if we're going to stop them." Bob Dylan pulled out a magic carpet and together they hitched a ride and headed for the other side... of the cavern. "Look!" said Bob Dylan, "They're entering Progoslavia!"

Finnish, Norwegian, and Scandinavian prog metal bands clashed guitar riffs against the deft hands of the death metal bands. Dragonforce held the line as their comrades fell by their sides. Synthesizers clashed against remixes but were overpowered by an industrial wall of guitars and effects. Mike grabbed a guitar off a fallen member of REO Speedwagon and tried to aid the cause.

"MIKE! DON'T!" Bob Dylan shouted as Mike entered the fray, but it was too late. As soon as he tried a solo his challenge was met and he was blown away by the sheer power of death metal's technical skill. Michael flew back through the cavern, landing in the Metalicombs. There he found Iron Maiden, Bad Religion, and Megadeth working on a massive set of amplifiers.

"What! What are you guys doing!" Michael Awesomerocks asked, marveling at them.

"Mike, do you really think this is the first time we've been invaded like this?" Bruce Dickinson said, "It happens about once every three years or so."

"Yeah, it keeps us sharp and helps weed out all the upstarts," Greg Graffin added.

"Speaking of which, I think Evanescence was one of the first to bite the dust," noted Dave Mustaine, "Hey, Vedder, how's the reverb?"

"Sounds good, just needs more energy!" Eddie Vedder shouted from behind the immense stack of speakers.

"Mike, this is the infamous Wall of Sound," Dave Mustaine mentioned as he plugged in his guitar, "I'm quite grateful for it, every invasion it's been instrumental in knocking 'em dead."

"Enough puns," said Mike.

"Okay lets do this. Greg, more juice." One energetic punk riff later and the wall of sound was blasting against the cavern.

"And now the coup de grace," Bruce Dickinson said. He picked up his microphone and with a dire howl, "AAAACEEEES HIIIIIIGH!"

The back of the cavern crumbled and a jet in the shape of a bass guitar flew through the gaping hole. Mike gazed from behind as Geddy Lee, Les Claypool, and Steve Harris flew out of it with jet packs. Within moments they began crushing the waves of death metal players with godly bass riffs. Half way through Aces High the chugging death metal bass players couldn't handle it, their dropped-E-tuned basses blew up impaling them with shards of their own failure.

Half an hour later, by the end of Subdivisions, the enemy was forced into retreat at the nonexistent point of a Steinberger L2. Together the three bassists locked the remaining death metal bands into the dormitories of College Rock. Michael Awesomerocks left the caverns as the clean up began. Not only had he failed to help clear Rock Tunnel, he found he was outclassed in awesome, even by bassists. It would take a lot more training before he could claim to truly hold the title of the world's most awesome person. It was with a heavy heart that he ventured towards Lavender Town.


	11. Chapter 11

Michael Awesomerocks was having a bout of emo pity as he arrived in Lavender Town. He walked inside the Pokemon center to take a break when out of nowhere-*BOOM* Mike shot out the door to see people running and screaming everywhere. He ran down the street, turned a corner, and saw a field reporter just down the road.

"This is Carl Wolksvagon reporting for Faux News, we're here live at the scene where a 737 crashed into World Pokemon Tower 1. We have with us two witnesses who were in the building when the crash occurred."

The cameraman panned to two portly men, "IT WAS THE TERRORI-""NO I'M A CHRISTIAN IT WAS THE GAYS!"

They looked at each other, "GAY TERRORISTS!"

Gay terrorists attacking the World Pokemon Tower? Mike thought, this looks like a job for someone awesome! Michael ran for the Pokemon Tower when another explosion was heard and more people ran out of the building. "What happened?" Mike asked one of the frightened victims.

"H1N1 INFLUENZGAY!" the man yelled. It was one of the guys from the interview.

"Why the hell did you come back here?" Mike asked.

"I HEARD TERRORISTS NEVER ATTACK THE SAME BUILDING TWICE! I THOUGHT IT WAS SAFE!"

"Then what was the explosion?"

"THE SWINE FLU! I GOTTA GO I NEED TO FIND A PLASTIC BAG AND ATTACH IT OVER MY HEAD WITH A RUBBER BAND!"

Exploding Swine Flu was no laughing matter. Mike ran into the burning building only to get blown out the door by another explosion. More people came running and screaming from the wreckage, including the other man from the interview. "ANTHRAX BOMBS!" he cried, wearing 5 Home Depot dust masks in random locations. Mike ran in yet again and darted up the stairs. As he reached the second floor the stairway collapsed behind him in another explosion. Firefighters stood outside assessing the situation but Mike couldn't wait for their help. He continued up and noticed most of the levels were unscathed and looked normal, save large amounts of dust and misplaced wire. As Michael reached the 27th floor he heard movement inside the hallways. "HEY!" he called out, "ANYONE STUCK HERE!" Tracing the sounds to a corner office Michael busted the door down to see Brock O'Blahma behind a switchboard.

"YOU!" Brock yelled.

"Brock... O'Blahma! I thought you were dead!"

"You cannot kill that which lives off negative emotions!" Brock O'Blahma peeled away his illusionary disguise, revealing a Reptilian alien.

"You've got to be joking."

"National Healthcare? Death Panels? Trillions in government spending? Come now, Mike, I'd think you'd connect the dots a little faster." Brock turned back to the switchboard, "My kind feed off negative emotions; fear, hate, sorrow. Today I've caused enough pain for my entire species to survive!"

"You're not going to get away with this, O'Blahma!" Mike said, pulling out his shotgun uzi.

"Oh, but I already have!" Brock O'Blahma swiped his scaled hand across the switchboard. Michael dove out the window as the building collapsed instantly into it's footprint. Thinking quickly, Mike suspended himself off the ground on a cushion of bullets, lowering himself to the road below. Up above he heard a slithery voice cry out, "Team Brocket is blasting off again!"

"OH MY GOD IT WAS ALIEN GAY TERRORISTS!" said a ridiculous man from the interview, plastic bag completely fogged over.

"I thought you guys were getting out of here!" Mike commented.

"I WAS THEN JOE BIDEN SAID PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION GIVES YOU SWINE FLU SO I CAN'T USE ANY ROADS!"

"DON'T TALK TO HIM! IT'S AN AIRBORNE VIRUS AND HE JUST FELL LIKE 30 STORIES SO HE PROBABLY HAS IT!" said the other, now wearing an entire suit made of cheap Home Depot masks.

"I'M STARTING TO SUFFOCATE IS THAT SWINE FLU!"

"I DON'T KNOW! LETS RUN AN EXHAUST PIPE INTO YOUR BAG, THE ENGINE HEAT WILL KILL THE VIRUS AND IT'LL HELP CIRCULATE THE AIR!"

"GOOD IDEA!"

Just then World Pokemon Tower 7 collapsed for no apparent reason, scaring the two idiots off.

Michael then headed towards Celadon City.


	12. Chapter 12

Michael Awesomerocks escaped to Celadon City. This was the first major city Michael had seen thus far and he was taken aback by the sheer magnitude of stuff to do. He could face a gym leader, he could gamble, but he headed to the first place anyone would go. That's right, the roof of the Celadon department store for some lemonade. He bought Hoshizamihirigami some as well.

"Charmander" said Hoshizamihirigami, staring at the lemonade, "What's dis jank? Lemon drink?" He gulped it down as Mike stocked up.

"Just in case we have to bribe some guards later," Mike told Hoshizamihirigami. Michael then decided to head for the Game Corner.

Inside Michael found mostly a bunch of old people squandering their life savings away, but in the far corner there was the bar. He hopped up on a stool and ordered a Jack Daniels.

"BRO! Where'd you come from!" said a man next to him in a pink collar-popped shirt. "I'm like, your childhood rival, Freddy!"

"Umm... Gary?" Mike asked.

"Right whatever, anyway where you been all this time I like, already became Pokemon League Champion and shit!" Gary said, downing what looked like his fifth Coors Light.

"I've been making my way through the Pokemon League myself. I'm about to go for my fourth badge."

"Oh man brah, Erika? Bro, I wrecked that shit after I beat her in a match. TIGHT! Hey, you see that Misty yet?"

"Yeah, I got in on that."

"HOLLA BACK! That's what I wanna hear, bro! Hey, me and my league buddies are throwing a house party later tonight, you coming?"

"Sure, where's it at?" Mike asked, taking another shot.

"We're holding it outside Victory Road, OH SNAP that's right bro you can't come cause YOU'RE NOT CHAMPION YET!"

Mike was own'd. Hardcore.

"Haha, it's okay brah, have fun with sloppy seconds Erika by the way." Gary then left the building with two Coors Light in his hands.

"Damn it... such an asshole." Mike said to himself. Back in the funk of depression Michael knocked a few more back and headed to the gym thinking perhaps earning a gym badge would cheer him up.

"WOO! MIKE YOU MADE IT! Dude it's a total CHICK FEST IN HERE!" Gary yelled. Apparently he'd started up a rousing game of beer pong with the junior trainers.

"Uhh... I kinda need to fight Erika for my gym badge," Mike said.

"No way, brah, she's like totally passed out. Junior trainer here drank her under the table then we had fun messing with her."

"Well shit, how do I get my badge?"

"I know, brah, you can battle me! Don't expect an easy win though, I'm Pokemon League champ!"

"No, no I got this shit..." said Erika, getting up from the couch in the back, doodled magic marker penises all over her face.

"Haha ALRIGHT!" Gary said.

"Go... uhh... fuck... Vileplume!" Erika's pokeball let out a large Vileplume.

"GO! HOSHIZAMIHIRIGAMI!" Mike yelled as his Charmander came out.

"GOD! Don't yell, christ," Erika said, looking ill.

"Use flamethrower!" Hoshizamihirigami used flamethrower and smoked Vileplume until it fainted.

"Okay, you win, here's your badge," Erika said, handing Mike a badge before turning to puke.

"That's it?" Mike said, a little deflated.

"BRO! You're fucking smoke-boxing this place! AWESOME!" said Gary as he breathed in the fumes.

"So... I guess I'll see you, Gary?" Mike said as he turned to leave.

"NOT SO FAST, MIKE! Haha, I gotta tell you about the number of bitches I'm gonna fuck this month over at Indigo Plateau!"

Two hours progressed with Mike listening as Gary talked about how many bitches he fucked, how many he was going to fuck, how much ass he gets as Pokemon League champ, how much fat people suck, how he beats any girl who affectionately claws or bites him, the time he broke his pair of Oakleys, the time he broke his other pair of Oakleys, his girlfriend's 4 miscarriages, and how Coors Light is the greatest beer ever. Eventually Mike excused himself as Gary made his way into the back room with two Beauties.

"God... such an asshole." Mike said to himself. 


	13. Chapter 13

It was with heavy steps that Michael Awesomerocks headed towards Saffron City. His best friend had turned into an asshole, the evil Brock O'Blahma was not only still alive but decimated the World Pokemon Tower, he got owned by death metal bands, and shown up by bassists in the Rock Tunnel. Mike entered Saffron and found his journey wasn't getting any easier. After his incident at the World Pokemon Tower, Brock O'Blahma sent Team Brocket to take over the private industries of Saffron City, the greatest of which was Silph Co.

"No way," Mike thought, "that's it, I'm done. I've fought too hard, too much shit has happened, it's over. Becoming Pokemon League Champion just isn't worth it." Mike sat on a bench and let out a sigh, reflecting on how far he'd come. The breeze chilled him. The helicopter got closer and closer.

Helicopter! Mike thought as he turned to look. There, sure enough, was Mr. T in an Apache helicopter.

"Get up, foo, you ain't done yet!" Mr. T yelled from the cockpit.

"Mr. T, I'm through with this shit. I'm taking Hoshizamihirigami and going home."

"Oh no you're not, sucka. You're gonna get in there and teach that Brock O'Blahma a lesson!"

"There's too many guards, I'll just get my ass kicked."

"I pity you, foo, you pathetic. The Michael Awesomerocks I knew wouldn't give up. He'd chug Jack Daniels and cock-slap ninjas!"

"I've been through war, Mr. T, I saw Tom Hanks die. I don't wanna do this anymore."

"Mike, there's a lotta people dependin' on you. If you let them down the whole world's gonna suffer. Because of Brock O'Blahma, because of Gary, but most of all, because they won't know true awesome."

"But it's the middle of the fan fiction, the writing is in a slump, and the plot has lost novelty. What is there left to do?" Mike wondered.

"That's easy, add a love interest!" Mr. T then flew off in his Apache. The answer was so simple. Mike knew he'd spent all this time fighting and being awesome and it let him down because he had no one to lean on. He needed a female version of himself. But why hadn't it let Gary down? And why now, when all his years he'd been a fine upstanding citizen of awesomeness? These questions would have to wait as he rushed off to do something about Brock O'Blahma.

"Go, Hoshizamihirigami!" He yelled as the Charmander popped out. "Hoshizamihirigami, we're gonna take back Silph Co. But there's something we need to do first."

"Charmander!" said Hoshizamihirigami, which means "Aw yeah, I know where this is going!"

An hour later both of them walk out of Best Buy, Michael with a brand new Droid, and Hoshizamihirigami with 4 different cell phones and a bluetooth headset. "We're gonna need some backup for this one, Hoshizamihirigami." Mike said and started texting away.

An hour passed before Mike came to the entrance of the Silph Co. building. Two guards stood at the main door. "Charmander!" said Hoshizamihirigami, which loosely translates to "Lets go back to Lavender Town to get the Pokemon Flute so we can find them taking a nap and sneak inside!"

"No, lets just kill them," Mike said. He pulled out his shotgun uzi and blew both guards away before kicking the door in. Once inside he was accosted by something far more sinister than Team Brocket. "Teleporters..." Mike grumbled. Not just any teleporters either. This particular maze was specific to Silph Co., employees had been known to get lost for days in the labyrinth. It was considered the employee orientation.

"Charmander!" said Hoshizamihirigami, which means "Great, now how in the hell are you gonna get through this?"

"Easy," Mike said, "I called a few friends."

A low rumble was heard, getting closer and closer until the whole floor shook. The Soviet national anthem heralded the approach of something monstrous. A T-80 tank crushed the far wall. It's turret pointed upward and it fired a shell, blasting a hole all the way to the top floor. When the dust cleared, Dolph Lundgren emerged from the tank. Mr. T then swooped in in his Apache.

"Mike, Dolph, get in, we can still stop Brock O'Blahma.!"

Together they flew threw the gaping hole to the top floor. Hundreds of Team Brocket members were there waiting to stop them however. Mr. T opened fire taking about a dozen out before they hit his helicopter, forcing him to eject. Mike and Dolph bailed out as the Team Brocket continued their defense. Dolph though was too strong, and his flat top too flat for the bullets to have any effect. He punched each one of them with an 1850psi haymaker. While Dolph turned the guards into pudding Mike entered the CEO's office. Shooting the door open he found...

Nothing.

He looked around, there was no sign that anyone had been in the room. The only thing of interest was a master ball sitting on the desk. Mike took it and, hoping this adventure wasn't a complete waste of time, checked the computer for clues. Inside he found information about the company's finances. Apparently large sums had gone missing over the past several months, leaving speculators wary of it's credibility. Then Mike noticed an intracompany memo:

"CEO will be absent for interview with Time magazine for Man of the Year award."

"WHAT!" Mike yelled "The CEO is BEN BERNANKE!"

Speculation would have to wait though because like all engagements with Team Brocket, explosions must take place. In this case it was Mr. T who blew the entire top floor away with a Harrier jet. Dolph landed on the ground unscathed, Mike bounced down the several floors with Hoshizamihirigami.

"I'm glad you took care of that, Mike," Mr. T said.

"Took care of what! Nothing was taken care of! This entire chapter was just me doing what I've been doing for the past 12 chapters! And what ever happened to that love interest anyway? I don't see any chicks around, and I don't see any plot advancement either!"

"I love a happy ending, too," replied Mr. T.

"No. I'm done, that's it." But then Mike found himself outside the Saffron gym. "NO! I said I'm DONE WITH THIS!" Mike walked inside. "Oh, fuck you." Will Mike find his obligatory love interest? Will he get his 5th gym badge? Find out next time! "There won't be a next time, I quit." 


	14. Chapter 14

Twas the night before Christmas,  
And all through the house,  
Not a creature was stirring,  
'Cept Mike with his mouse.

The family were all,  
Tucked away in their beds,  
While Mike looked at porn,  
And pounded his head.

When up on the roof,  
There came such a sound,  
He tripped over his pants,  
And fell to the ground.

When he arose,  
Mike saw such a sight;  
Twas Neil Patrick Harris,  
Floating and white.

"Michael!" he said,  
Voice filling the room,  
"You gave up your quest!  
You're life now is doomed!"

"What are you saying!"  
Mike said with a sneer,  
"I'm just taking a break,  
I'll be back next year!"

"Bullshit!" said Neil,  
His face hard and stern.  
"It's clear to me,  
You've a lesson to learn!"

"Please stop this poem,  
It's way too much work,  
And get out of here,  
I'm trying to jerk."

"Mike, I died in a horrible accident involving hookers and a branding iron. I don't want the same thing to happen to you. I've come to save you from a life of not being awesome," Neil said, his ghostly figure sitting in the living room easy chair.

"It's not worth it. It's way too hard and there's always gonna be someone better... just like Gary."

"Business? BUSINESS! MANKIND WAS MY BUSINESS!" Neil shrieked, "Oh, umm... yeah, there's always gonna be the occasional asshole, Mike, but just remember, whether or not you like him he's still your bro."

"Yeah well... he lost permanent shotgun status... and remote control privileges," Mike grumbled.

"Understandable. However, I've also come to warn you, Mike. Tonight you will be visited by three spirits. Heed their warnings and your life may yet be saved from the banality that is your current fate."

"Oh yeah? And what's that?"

With a wave of his ghastly hand Neil Patrick Harris transported Michael to a used car lot, "Do you see that man standing over there with the three children looking at minivans?" Neil asked.

"The one in the polo shirt and knee high socks with sandals?" Mike asked.

"That's you in ten years!"

"NOOOOO!" Mike yelled, "Please, spirit, tell me what I can do to avoid this terrible fate!"

"Don't marry an environmentalist and you can hold out for a Suburban or a Hummer H2."

"NO! PLEASE! ANYTHING BUT THAT!"

"Then listen to the spirits, Mike, it's the only way!" With that Neil flew out the window. Mike looked out and saw many ghostly bros desperately trying to give Coors Light to dudes in minivans but to no avail. Their time on this world was gone, their wingman status was now permanently revoked. Mike shook his head and the visions were gone.

"Damn!" he said to himself, "I gotta lay off the not-booze." Mike took a swig of Jack Daniels and passed out on the couch. Within hours he was awakened by a slap on the head.

"Ie Saturnalia!" someone cried out. Mike jumped to his feet, fastened his pants, and looked around. In the corner was another ghostly figure. "I am the ghost of Christmas past!" it said with an Italian accent. Mike looked it over hard, it was wearing festive colors and a strange looking hat.

"Umm... don't you mean Kwanzaa?" Mike asked.

"No idiot, I am the embodiment of early Solstice celebrations! Normally I teach people to love Christmas but this year is a little... depressing, so I've been requisitioned to show you how to be awesome."

"Okay..." Mike said, eyeing up the slender fellow, "how are you gonna do that?"

"First, I must show you what it's like to be awesome in the past! Pound my fist!" Mike pounded the fist and instantly he was teleported to another time. "Welcome, Mike, to ancient Rome!"

"Whoa... wait, why am I here?" Mike asked, slightly confused.

"Ancient Rome was the America of the ancient world, the greatest superpower there ever was! It is here you will learn what it truly means to be awesome!"

"Great!" Mike exclaimed, "But how?"

"Simple, you shall compete in a gladiatorial battle! Nothing is more manly than two dudes brawling while people watch and take bets."

"Damn it, Neil, I should have never doubted you!" Mike said. With another fist bump they were in the Colosseum. "Just one question... do I get to use my sawed off shotgun uzi?"

"No, but you do get a broadsword and a shield!" the spirit said.

"Well... shit," Mike said. The spirit handed him his gear and pushed him through the gate. On the other end of the coliseum was the foe, a tall man with a buckler, a net, and a polearm.

"You can do it, Mike!" the spirit called from the stands. Mike brought his shield up to block as the gap closed. Within moments the gladiator charged him. A quick dodge is all that saved him from being skewered by the polearm. Mike whipped his sword around and *swoosh*, missed the gladiator by inches. The gladiator had bided his time well, he threw his net and Mike fell to the ground entangled. The gladiator tried to skewer him again but Mike kept rolling on the ground. Eventually the gladiator got too close and Mike instantly leaped up and buffeted the warrior with his shield. The man fell to the ground and Michael leapt on top of him for the kill when he heard an uproar.

Huns. Thousands of them. The Huns invaded and pillaged the Colosseum. They flooded the pit where Mike and the gladiator did battle. The spirit of Christmas past swooped down and fist bumped Michael just in time to spare him from the onslaught. When the smoke cleared Mike found himself in his house again, no spirit, no sword, just him.

"Damn," he said to himself, "I gotta lay off the Tennessee whiskey." Michael took a swig of bourbon and passed out on the sofa again. Within minutes, he felt another smack on the head.

"Gary... are you taking pictures of your dick on my head again... it's not Facebook material..." Mike mumbled.

"Good sir, I say, you must awaken! We have very little time and much to accomplish!" said a voice in the room. Mike looked up and saw floating above him the legendary Flava Flav.

"Wait a minute, you're not dead!" Mike said.

"Well I should certainly hope not. In this economy though I was limited to whatever occupation I could procure. I am the acting ghost of Christmas present," explained Flava Flav.

"I see, and how are you going to teach me to be awesome?"

"Michael Awesomerocks, all your life you have been saying how wonderful it has been to be awesome. Now, in a time when the world needs awesome more than ever, you turn your back on it. I shall show you just why the world needs your awesome."

"Oh god, the last thing I want is a guilt trip," Mike moaned.

"Well that is exactly what this is, a guilt trip through time and space. Here, touch my clock," Flava Flav said in a British accent.

"No," said Mike.

"Very well, but we must not tarry." Flava Flav removed his clock from his neck and smacked Mike over the head with it. When Mike regained consciousness he was outside the White House.

"What the hell are we doing here?" Mike asked.

"This, Michael, is the home of President Brock O'Blahma. Because of your efforts, O'Blahma has not conquered the world... yet," Flava Flav said.

"Yeah, but he's still really powerful," Mike replied.

"This is true. In fact, Brock O'Blahma has requisitioned a total of fifty thousand troops to be sent into Afghanistan in a single year."

"So? They're just stupid soldiers. Let they get killed if they want."

"Michael, they are much more than stupid soldiers. They are bros. Maybe not your bros but someone out there will have lost a bro if they die. Would you want your bros to die, Michael?"

"What! No way! Not even Gary."

"Michael, let me show you something else." Flava Flav whacked Mike over the head with his clock again. Instantly they were teleported to Alexandria, right outside the Oakley store. "Inside here is all that is fake. Between these walls lies pseudoawesome unbound. Many a bro has reached new levels of cockery by buying, and subsequently breaking their Oakley sunglasses."

"Yeah, what's your point?" Mike asked.

"Michael, there is such a thing as a false bro. He may walk like a bro, talk like a bro, but he sequesters all that is truly bro. He is the bro that never gives shotgun status to his bros. He is the bro who refuses to come over and help you move. He is the bro who steals your girl. He is, in truth, the anti-bro."

"That sounds a lot like Gary..." Mike said thoughtfully.

"That is because it is like Gary. Gary is a false bro, and by extension a false awesome. But without you, where will people turn to find true awesomeness? Come, we have one more place to visit." Flava Flav whacked Mike with his clock again, and this time they were in a convenience store.

"Okay, now I'm confused."

"Really? Michael, even everyday people are affected by a lack of true awesome. Look inside."

Michael pressed his face to the glass of the store and noticed a man at the counter, "What is that dude doing?"

"He's buying a lager."

"NOOOOO!" Mike yelled, "Okay, okay something has to be done to help preserve awesome, but why me? Why not someone else?" Flava Flav just shook his head. He whacked Mike one last time with his clock, and Mike found himself on the floor of his home.

"Damn," Mike said, "I need a drink!" He took a deep gulp of nignog and crashed onto the floor again. Within minutes he was awoken, this time by a chick stepping on his head. Or at least he thought it was a chick. When he got up he saw she was a pokemorph chick; a normal chick crossed with a Jolteon. She was actually pretty hot, her spiky hair gave her a natural anime look and with big green eyes and fur covered body the look kinda worked. Of course thought the Earth Day t-shirt was pretty tacky.

"I am the spirit of Christmas future!" said the girl.

"Okay, first off, you're not dead either. Second off, you're half Pokemon, what the hell happened to you! And third off, you're a chick. What am I supposed to learn about being awesome from a chick?" Mike inquired.

"First off, I know I'm not dead. I'm from the future, and thanks to the pioneering efforts of Dr. Flava Flav and his associate Professor Griff into the field of quantum physics and biochemistry, time travel is now possible. Second off, thanks also to Professor Griff and stem cell research body modification is taken to whole new level. Third off, that's sexist," the chick said.

"And your point is?"

"Whatever. Anyway, take my hand and I'll show you what the future will be like without an awesome..." She pulled out a paper from her jeans pocket and squinted at the name, "Michael Awesomerocks... is that your real name? Nevermind..." Mike took her hand and received a painful jolt of electricity. When he recovered he found himself in the middle of the Alexandria mall but this time all the stores were Hot Topic or a variant thereof.

"Why'd you shock me?" he asked, trembling slightly and surveying all the scene kids.

"Because you're being a dick. Anyway, welcome to the year 2025; a world without... 'awesome'," the chick said.

"Where are all the American Eagles and Abercrombies?" Mike asked.

"Gone, their clothing was made by children in China so the government banned them."

"NOOOOO!" said Mike.

"I bet you've noticed a lot of people wearing dollar store clothes and a huge number of scene kids," she said. Mike looked around again.

"Come to think of it there's a huge number of hipster, emo, and metrosexual people here," he wondered aloud.

"Yes, well, it turns out in this time period, only about fifteen percent of the population of men is straight."

"WHAT!" Mike exclaimed.

"Without awesomeness they all drove Miatas and became their girlfriend's slaves. Eventually this drove almost the entire male population to homosexuality."

"NOOOOO!" said Mike.

"Let me show you something even worse," the chick said. She grabbed him and they teleported to the parking lot.

"Oh god... say it's not so..."

"It's so Mike. They've done away with free parking. It's shameful."

"What? No, not that... the cars... LOOK AT THE CARS!" Mike yelled, aghast.

"Hmm? What about them?"

"LOOK!"

"I just see a bunch of Smarts and Priuses. Everyone drives those these days, they're the only things on the road."

"NOOOOOOO!" yelled Mike.

"Oh it's not that bad, they all have five star safety ratings."

"NOOOOOOO!" yelled Mike.

"Uh...huh. Come on, one last place to visit." She grabbed his hand and they ended up in the middle of a crowd. Everyone had signs and was screaming into bullhorns, it was a protest over pokemorph rights.

"Michael, if you don't perserve awesome then Brock O'Blahma will ravage the world! He already considers pokemorphs and the Welsh to be second class citizens."

"I see, does Brock O'Blahma's dastardly plan know no bounds... OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT!" Mike screamed, pointing to a house.

"Hmm? Oh that's just a house."

"WHAT IS THAT IN IT'S BACK YARD!"

"A...windmill? All buildings were converted to solar, wind, and other renewable sources of energy. It helped the environment a lot."

"NOOOOO!" Mike cried, "I've seen the error of my ways, oh spirit! Please, take me back, I'll be awesome I promise!"

"Umm... Mike I don't think you got the point I was-"

"PLEASE SPIRIT!" Mike said, hugging the girl's knees. "I CAN'T STAND THIS PLACE ANY LONGER!"

With an annoyed look she zapped him again, knocking him back against the house of ridicule. "Michael Awesomerocks, I will not endure this childishness. I wanted to show you the error of your ways, but not if it meant sacrificing the ideals we worked so hard to get into society."

"I refuse to drive a Prius! GO HOSHIZAMIHIRIGAMI!" Out popped Michael's Charmander with a mild hang over. "Charmander" it said which translates to "Damn it, Mike... not so loud brotha."

"Hoshizamihirigami, this girl wants to turn our future into this, a bunch of Prius driving, skinny-jeans-wearing, homosexual granolas!"

"AW HELL NAW!" said Hoshizamihirigami aloud.

"THUNDERBOLT!" yelled the chick. A bolt of electricity shot at Hoshizamihirigami, blasting him back into Mike.

"Quick, use Flamethrower!" Mike yelled. Hoshizamihirigami took a deep breath and blew a torrent of fire at the girl.

"LIGHT SCREEN!" she yelled. A shining barrier of light protected her from the blast.

"Okay, we're gonna have to use strategy. Trap her with Fire Spin!" Mike's Charmander spun a tornado of fire that engulfed the Jolteon girl. Hoshizamihirigami gave it all he had but the Light Screen held fast.

"THUNDERSHOCK!" she cried as a bolt of lightning struck the Charmander, rendering it paralyzed. Hoshizamihirigami tried to fight back but was frozen in the street by the electric attack. Eventually the Fire Spin faded and a Pin Missile attack finished off Hoshizamihirigami.

"Char-man...der..." it said weakly as it fainted. Mike looked down at his pin-cushioned friend knowing he was next.

"I'm going to finish you, Mike. Flava Flav was wrong, there's nothing good that can come from your version of the world."

"You... you can't just kill me! Not for this!"

"I must protect the environment and the world from your chauvinist and destructive ways." She zapped him with a Thunder attack, leaving him singed and smoking on the ground. "Any final words?" she asked.

"Yeah..." Mike uttered... "Go, master ball!"

"WHAT!" she cried as Mike threw the master ball he'd acquired from the Silph Co. building. In a flash of light she was trapped inside. The ball jostled around on the ground for a while but eventually the capture light went out and a reassuring chime let Michael know he'd won.

"Huh, I guess that last chapter wasn't a ridiculous plot rehash after all," he said to himself. He picked up the ball and let the girl out. Frantic and exhausted from struggling within the ball, there was no fight left in her. "Take me home," he demanded. Her eyes shot daggers at him as she grabbed his hand, shocking him and teleporting him back to his living room.

Michael woke up on the floor, pants around his ankles, slightly burnt, porn on the computer, and three bottles of liquor scattered about. In front of him by the Christmas tree stood his family.

"Michael... what... should I even ask?" his mother said.

"I was visited by the three spirits of Christmas!" he said.

"Yeah; Jack Daniels, bourbon, and that cranberry shit you made. Pull your goddamn pants up."

Mike pulled his pants on and discovered the master ball in his pocket. It wasn't a dream... he thought to himself.

Inside she said,  
Tired from the fight "Merry Christmas to all,  
God does this bite." 


	15. Chapter 15

"OH YEAH! Look at that kill spread!" Mike exclaimed from the couch in the living room, "I fucking love the double barrel shotgun!"

"Charmander!" said Hoshizamihirigami, which roughly translates to "Slight of Hand AND Martyrdom? Mike, that's total bullshit."

"Shut up, Hoshizamihirigami, you play with an MP40."

"Shut up both of you!" the Jolteon girl yelled from the computer desk, busy with Facebook while listening to The Killers.

"Hey, what's your name anyway?"

"Warsaw."

"Like... like in Poland?" Mike smirked.

"Yes, like in Poland... what?"

"Guess this trend of shitty names will continue for decades to come, or maybe me being awesome will put a stop to that," Mike wondered.

"Yes well, where would we be without you as a beacon to guide us?" she said venomously.

"Well I can start right now. Since I caught you, I'm gonna call you Vixen."

"Vixen!"

"I caught you on Christmas, you look like a Vixen, and you certainly act like a Vixen."

"I'm not some stupid ass Pokemon for you to boss around, you asshole! Wait... I look like a vixen?"

"CHARMANDER!" said Hoshizamihirigami, which means "HEY! You watch who you're talking to bitch! The man knows what he's talking about, and if he says your name is Vixen, then you better shut your fucking whore mouth."

"Hoshizamihirigami, that's a bit much, I got this," Mike said. "Anyway, we better get moving. The world isn't getting any more awesome with me sitting on my ass playing games. Time to get that Marsh badge!"

"And just how do you intend to do that? There's eighteen inches of snow on the ground and it's an hour's drive to Saffron in good weather," Vixen inquired.

"Simple, we'll take the truck."

"TRUCK! No, I refuse to ride in one of those crimes against nature. We'll borrow your mom's VW Rabbit."

"No, we'll take the truck."

Several minutes of bickering later Mike found himself in the passenger seat of the Rabbit as it plodded along at 15mph. His face was stern, his arms were crossed, and he was forced to endure an entire album of the Plain White Tees. He begged god every step of the way to skid off the ice and die and envied Hoshizamihirigami who was no doubt enjoying blissful silence in his pokeball. Mike felt like he'd reached a new low, he couldn't see how it could get any worse.

Being a woman driver in inclement weather Vixen naturally ran the car off the road and into a snowdrift for no fucking reason whatsoever. Both of them desperately tried to get the car out but to no avail. Fortunately though they'd only been gone about a mile at the speed they were doing so Mike sent Hoshizamihirigami back to the house to get the truck. In the meantime he would have to freeze his balls off, stuck in the world's most annoying car with the world's most annoying person.

"Lets take the Rabbit, not the truck in the FUCKING DEEP SNOW!" Mike bellowed.

"While you're at it why not just set a barrel of oil on fire? It's pretty much the same thing," she said.

"Guess what? IT'S FUCKING SNOWY AS SHIT OUTSIDE! But no that can't be, there's global warming, we must be stuck in marshmallow! THAT'S IT! It's so fucking hot out we're stuck in melted marshmallow ISN'T THAT RIGHT!"

"I'm not talking to you," she mumbled.

"Of course not, you're gonna drive the fucking car off the road instead! BRILLIANT!"

"I didn't mean to," she replied weakly.

"Well I hope not, it'd be pretty depressing for THAT to be your goal and for it to have taken a whole fucking mile to accomplish the task. You might have failed harder than you did JUST NOW!"

"Stop," she said.

"You do realize now we're gonna burn more fuel than we would have if we just took the fucking truck in the first place? But no, we're saving the planet, we're fucking summoning Captain Planet and he's gonna pull us out and get us on our way isn't that right?"

She didn't say anything. Mike turned from his window to look at her. She was sobbing silently into her folded arms on the steering wheel.

"Oh god," Mike said, rolling his eyes.

"What!" she said, voice quivering, "What now! Go ahead, say something else!"

"Look, I went a bit far but this is ridiculous."

"A bit far!" she turned to him, tears rolling down her face, "That's a fucking understatement." She closed her eyes and sobbed again, "I know I drove off the road, okay! I just wanted to try something the way we do it from where I'm from."

"Well-" Mike started.

"Well yeah, I know," she said, "I fucked it up. I'm burned out, the past three days have been the most humiliating in my life, I'm freezing, I can't go home until next Christmas, I can't drive, and now I'm stuck in a car with the biggest asshole in the world reminding me just how much I fucked up."

Mike just looked at her for a moment.

"I just wanna go home..." she choked out. Mike felt like a dick. No, he thought, he felt like Gary. A wave of guilt hit Mike, he'd become what he hated most of all and this was the result. He looked at her shivering in her seat, trying to sink through it and into the ground.

"I'm sorry," Mike said, "I'm just frustrated from all this shit that's been going on lately, I didn't mean to take it out on you. I acted like Gary."

"You have a lot in common," she said.

"...Thanks for that," Mike grunted.

"Just bitch him out and you won't have any problems," she grumbled.

"Hey, you did try to kill me, remember? Me acting like an asshole is a little justified."

"I wasn't going to kill you! I would never kill someone..."

"Uh huh..."

"Well... think of it this way, it couldn't get any worse," she said. Just then they heard a rumble outside.

"Thank god, Hoshizamihirigami must be here with the truck," Mike said. He lowered the window and saw Gary in his F-350.

"HEY! MIKE! It's me, you're rival, Larry!"

"GARY!" Mike exclaimed, he turned to Vixen who just sank in her seat again.

"Yeah, whatever. Looks like you're stuck in the snow, dude, haha how the fuck did that happen? Whoa! What kinda car is that! Haha you got stuck driving your mom's Rabbit? Dude that SUCKS!"

"Yeah... I know," Mike said.

"Hey, dude, you know that's a chick's car, right? Oh wait! Dude, a chick is driving! Holy shit man, she's ugly, you must have been totally wasted last night." Mike's eye twitched a bit, as did Vixen's.

"Watch it, Gary." Mike growled.

"Whoa whoa, sorry bro haha didn't know you were into beat chicks."

"She's not beat, 'bro', but she's not a fatass so I guess you're not interested."  
Gary looked a little pissed off. "What was that? I thought I heard you whining out of your little mangina. Guess that's about as good a chick as you're gonna get being a pussy."

"Fuck off, Gary," Mike said, now furious.

"No, you fuck off, bro. I let you crash my party in Celadon and this is the shit I get? Fuck you, good luck getting the herpes off your dick after fucking that ho." Gary rammed his truck into Mike's car as he sped away, pushing them further into the snow.

"That is the biggest prick I've ever seen," Vixen said.

"Still think we have a lot in common?"

"No..." Vixen admitted.

Just then a Ram 3500 Megacab pulled up beside the Rabbit. Hoshizamihirigami looked down and saw both of them glued to their seats. "Charmander," he said, which means "Mike, what in gods name are you doing? You're cold, you're angry, and you look ridiculous. You were in a cold car with a hot chick and one fucking jacket between you! How in gods name did you fuck that one up!"

"Thanks for the truck, Hoshizamihirigami." Mike said.

"Charmander!" he said, which means "Oh no, uh uh, you get back in that car and you fucking score with that chick until I can't see through the windows anymore. Goddamn you're disgraceful."

"Lets just go," said Mike. 


	16. Chapter 16

"Well personally I believe Hoshizamihirigami is making the right decision not to evolve yet. You can't just HAVE a Pokemon evolve, it has to WANT to evolve," Vixen said to Michael as they lumbered down the road in the enormous cab of the enormous truck.

"No way," Mike replied, "The fact is, you can't become a Pokemon master with a Charmander alone. Do I wish I could? Yes. But the facts are facts, and if I want to be THE very best, he's gotta play in the big leagues. Charmeleon is the big leagues and Charmander ain't. Maybe I just need to have better control over my Pokemon - who's really running the show?" He said, glaring at Hoshizamihirigami.

"Charmander!" said Hoshizamihirigami, meaning "And if you'd caught a Snorlax this wouldn't even BE an issue in the first place."

Vixen looked disgusted, "How can you say or even THINK those things about Pokemon? Have you lost the true will of a Pokemon master? How can you even notion such things with the title of Pokemon trainer! Sometimes I wonder, who's REALLY running YOUR show, Mr. Awesomerocks. If that is your real name!"

"I've never lost the will of a Pokemon trainer," Michael replied, "I've just opened my eyes to what it takes to be a Pokemon MASTER. The world isn't perfect but we have to live in it. It is your blind idealism which will seal your fate in the Pokemon Kingdom."

"It's this 'blind' idealism that got Lance to the Elite Four. With TWO Dragonair mind you. He didn't need to rely on frivolous evolution just to have an upper hand. You need a heart and to be honest, that's something I think you lost long ago!" Vixen said.

"Got TO the Elite Four, but it won't get you PAST them. Gary is already there. Why? Because he knows what it takes to succeed in the world of Pokemon training. As for my heart, well... in the world of Pokemon training, some things you HAVE to lose... and your heart is one of them. You either lose your heart, or you lose gym badges."

"Whatever man, WHATEVER! If Ted Kennedy were still here, he'd a agree with me!"

"Charmander!" Hoshizamihirigami whined, meaning "Mike, how much longer is this drama shit gonna last?"

"Once the drama starts it takes an act of god to stop it," Mike replied gloomily. Fortunately that's what was just ahead. Michael slammed on the brakes and skidded through the snow and ice until he came to a cushy stop at the base of a huge blob.

"Snorlax..." Vixen thought aloud.

"Aww hell yeah, problem solved!" Mike said. He hopped out of the truck and challenged Snorlax.

"OKAY! Hoshizamihirigami, use flamethrower!" Hoshizamihirigami lit Snorlax up but nothing happened.

"I think he's still asleep," said Vixen.

"Mother fucker. How are we gonna wake him up?" Mike asked, crossing his arms and cocking his head and doing that thing anime people do whenever they're perplexed.

"We could go back to Lavender town and get a pokeflute then come back here and play it," Vixen suggested.

"In this weather? Hell no. We'll blast. Hoshizamihirigami can you get my C4 out of the tool box?"

"Charmander!" he said with a salute, then he hopped his little self up into the truck bed, opened the box, and threw down some C4.

"You are NOT going to blow up Snorlax, Michael!" Vixen demanded.

"This is fucking Snorlax, Vixen. A nuclear bomb could go off and he'd fucking pull out a hot dog on a stick." Mike planted the C4 and got back in the truck. As they backed up Hoshizamihirigami assembled the tripod and machine gun turret in the bed of the truck. Michael flipped the cover of the remote detonator and pressed the button. A shockwave rippled through the snow and the explosion was almost deafening. Snorlax was awake alright, and it wasn't happy.

"Oh my god... Michael it's using double-edge!" Vixen cried out. Michael floored the accelerator as Hoshizamihirigami opened fire from the back. The bullets smacked into Snorlax but bounced off, peppering the truck with lead. Snorlax and the truck collided head on. Michael hit it hard enough to bounce the Snorlax, dazed, but his truck couldn't take but one more hit before it'd bust.

"Michael this is suicide!" Vixen yelled, bailing out of the vehicle.

"Vixen, use thunder wave, we need to slow him down." Mike said.

"WHAT! I can't attack that thing!"

"DO IT!"

Vixen used a thunder wave, and even though Snorlax was huge it wasn't huge enough to avoid being slowed by the paralyzing effect. Mike floored it and nailed Snorlax again, breaking the truck but toppling Snorlax. Mike and Hoshizamihirigami bailed out as it grabbed the truck and with a blubbery arm flung it to the side of the road. Michael threw his Droid to Hoshizamihirigami and nodded. Hoshizamihirigami nodded back and started texting away. Snorlax connected with a solid mega punch which sent Mike flying into the snow. Hurt but otherwise okay, he got up and used his kung fu to defend himself. Vixen of course was a typical woman and stood there doing nothing while all of this was going on.

Eventually Michael was hurled to the side of the road, unable to cope with Snorlax's power. He wiped the blood from his mouth as he leaned out of the snow and noticed Snorlax was charging hyper beam. It lifted it's glowing maw, bolstering his form. Michael scrambled to his feet but he knew he couldn't escape. Snorlax took aim, readied it's stance, and - "THUNDER!"

It was zapped by a bolt of electricity. Vixen decided grudgingly that stopping Snorlax was better than watching Mike get his ass kicked. Snorlax fell over, toppled at the critical moment of the attack. When it found it's feet again it saw the three of them ready to fight to the death. It's eyes narrowed. It's massive claws clenched into fists. With a full body thrust it used double-edge on the lot of them. All three were scattered into the snow. Hoshizamihirigami fought back first with a fire spin but Snorlax was too powerful to be trapped in the vortex. Hoshizamihirigami careened back into the wreckage of the truck from one mega punch. Vixen tried to paralyze it again but she'd lost too much energy and was thrown through the air onto the pavement, bouncing back against the truck as well.

Michael pulled out his shotgun uzi with RPG attachment. He fired everything he had as Snorlax swaggered towards him. All his clips went empty as Snorlax grew closer and closer. Finally, when it was right on top of him, Snorlax charged another hyper beam. Michael couldn't run, he was frozen as guitar music filled the air.

Guitar music? Yes, it was Buckethead from Rock Tunnel. Without saying a word he raced up to Mike on his Chocobo and tossed a device into his hand, then continued to wail on the guitar.

"IT'S MORPHIN' TIME!" Mike yelled. A blinding light enveloped him as the theme song guitar solo laying a swathe of musical atmosphere. "DRAGONZORD!" Michael emerged from the light as the green ranger, his golden breastplate and dagger shining in the midday sun. Snorlax unleashed it's hyperbeam, scoring a direct hit on Michael. A massive explosion filled the area with dust. Snorlax needed to recover. Unable to see what became of Michael through the debris it sat down for a moment. As it did a trumpet like blast emerged from the dust. A shriek was heard off in the distance, a sound like a thousand demons. It was the Dragonzord. With another trumpet blast it launched an offshore bombardment on the Snorlax. Missiles smashed the pavement, all around. Snorlax repelled a few with his mighty fists but the surrounding explosions were taking their toll.

"It's time to finish this!" Mike said and he leaped through the air to strike at Snorlax. Snorlax though was no meager challenger and Michael would pay for his folly. Snorlax grabbed Michael's leg as he kicked, whirled him around, and smashed him into the pavement. Mike twisted free, blocked a mega punch, and struck with his dagger, causing massive amounts of sparks and an explosion. Snorlax was blasted backward as Mike continued his assault. Snorlax had met it's match, but it would never concede. It smacked Mike between it's massive arms and he toppled to the ground, stunned.

Snorlax then turned to Vixen and Hoshizamihirigami who were still too busted up to fight. He launched at them, sending them and the truck flying with a double-edge. Hoshizamihirigami flew into the trees beyond the road while Vixen landed back in the snow. Snorlax zeroed in on her and trudged over for the coup de grace. Thinking quickly, Mike took off his breastplate and threw it to Vixen. She put it on just before the mega punch, stopping the full force of the blow but the sight still made Mike cringe.

Michael found his opportunity. While it's back was turned He flung himself at Snorlax, dagger in hand, landing a direct blow to the base of it's skull, causing even more massive sparks. Snorlax's eyes widened as it let out a roar. It tried to reach Mike but he was too quick and stayed out of it's chubby arms' reach. Grabbing Snorlax's ears he pointed his face at Buckethead who was still shredding a solo to the Power Ranger's theme. Snorlax started to tremble. It's jaw dropped, it's body stiffened, and with the squeal of a high note Snorlax fell over, dazed.

Buckethead threw a pokeball to Mike. "POKEBALL GO! Mike yelled as he in turn threw it at Snorlax. The ball bounced off it's cushiony form and a beam of red light sucked the creature in. Within seconds the ball stopped tossing and turning and gave off the reassuring chime that the fight was over. Mike took off his helmet and turned to thank Buckethead, but he was already gone. Only the lingering harmonious notes hung in the bitter cold air. Hoshizamihirigami staggered out of the forest, bruised and bleeding. Michael rushed over to Vixen who was lying unconscious in the snow.

At first he thought she was dead, but upon further inspection she'd just feinted. She was however frozen and badly hurt so they loaded her up on the back of the Dragonzord and made their way to Saffron City. 


	17. Chapter 17

Michael Awesomerocks, Vixen, and Hoshizamihirigami arrive in the city of Saffron. They art set afoot by ye noble Dragonzord at the city gate.

MICHAEL  
Hark, we art but mere steps from the medicinal facilities of this town!

HOSHIZAMIHIRIGAMI  
Charmander...

A translation of which reads thus: "O unhappy day that should see us worn in spirit and form such as this."

Within the hour they had traversed the kept city roads to the center of Pokemon. Upon entering the structure, the orderly was aghast at the sight of a pokemorph.

ORDERLY JOY  
Zounds! O Lord our God, when thou cast down the devil from His most high palace, why did Thee forsake Thine children to walk the desolated Earth with such abominations!

MICHAEL  
Keep thine tongue, woman, and conjure not the pageantry of the Most High's act of damnation! Thine eyes art nought but privileged to witness a creature such, her divinity second to the angels! Art thou so daft and blind that thou cannot see the wounds procured in honorable combat?

ORDERLY JOY  
Forsooth, tis with a fool's mind I was bestowed at birth. Make haste, we must not tarry to mend the suffering.

Injuries prevailing, the wounded were placed in their balls. Anxious moments passed as Michael was plagued by worry. Feeling as the sport of the Fates, it was with jubilation he found his companions mended by the medical contraption.

MICHAEL  
Mine spirit steeled by triumphs past, forged stronger than the finest blacksmith masterpiece; with this confidence we shalt go forth to victory over yonder gym!

VIXEN  
Resplendent as thine will may be, O Michael of Awesomerocks, the gym in thine ramblings is fraught with sorcery. Witchcraft most foul haunts it's halls, the stench of devil's play emanating from it's caretakers.

MICHAEL  
Protract mine journey not, wench of time forgotten, for I shalt not suffer misgivings.

VIXEN  
As thou say so let it be done but let the guillotine fall upon thine neck when proverbial wisdom bears fruit.

With quarreling spirits the adventurers entered the demon's domain. Ne'er has a purgatory been imposed that could be more fitting than the confines of those perilous four walls.

MICHAEL  
Mere ostentation, I entreat thee to cast aside such fatuous contrivances as thine teleporters!

SABRINA  
O weary traveller, I tire of thine scoffing utterances, circumnavigate the perils and thou may find me within mine lair.

MICHAEL  
Scandalous wench!

Modest hours passed as they navigated the course but for all the frustration it would feel naught less than a fortnight. With exhaustion in their minds they approached the final chamber. The sovereign demon, harlot of the gym, stood in defiance as Michael emerged from the teleportation device. With ne'er an ounce of travail or emotion, yonder leader of the gym cast forth her first pocket monster. Her ball procured a Kadabra, a Pokemon of devil worship. The heir of Awesomerocks would not suffer such a contemptible creature in his presence and less it's conjuror. Dexterity matching his fine wit he drew his musket in defiance of the beast.

SABRINA  
By shouldering thy musket against mine Pokemon thou hast committed a comedy of error! Ne'er shall thee reap rewards for such uncouth actions, but lo, the denial of a gym badge, that thy neck may be choked by the sin of thine ways!

MICHAEL  
Wench! Mine musket was meant not for thine Pokemon, it is raised for thee!

Shackled by his own righteousness he felt not that he angered his companion, Vixen.

VIXEN  
Michael, namesake of His most treasured angel, tis with upmost contempt I find thine lecherous mannerisms in honorable combat.

MICHAEL  
Lecherous mannerisms? Harlot, I say unto thee that by His divine hand hast I been bestowed with fine musket and skill. Assuredly, this be not the illustrious decadence of fine sport to mine soul, this be combat.

VIXEN  
And I say unto thee, O Michael of Awesomerocks, that even when beseeched by defeat, the Maker's hand hast only room for the pure of spirit. This be not the cruel impression of the darkest wilderness, this be a sporting match of monsters of the pocket, and in such by it's laws thou art governed.

MICHAEL  
Privy thou art to speak of honor and sport, if so inclined then have at thee! Cast away these foul combatants if thou art so entreated to elegance of form and skill.

VIXEN  
If thou wish it, let it be so. By the good Lord's graces I shall smite thine foe, but I implore thee for reconciliation for mine efforts once combat is ne'er but a memory in the night.

With skillful grace bolts of great holy magic shot from her form, casting out the demons under the foe's dominion. Then! Before ye eyes of their own the creature was healed in body and spirit! A scoff came from Sabrina the imposer. Ye words of Michael fell on eager ears.

MICHAEL  
Smite it not with bolts of righteousness for taint be it's nature and evil it's way in absolution! Vanquish that which bends not to His will with the chains of it's mortal form!

Vixen rallied her God given strength and with nary but two swift kicks of the variety double she felled the frail monster.

SABRINA  
Return, minion!

The face of the demoness was filled with livid determination.

SABRINA  
Come forth, Alakazam!

The monster spoke it's namesake, and with power greater than the archdemon it conjured terrors in the mind of Vixen.

MICHAEL  
Sway not to ye impurity of confusion, Vixen! For thou art strong of mind and form! Tarry not, purge this fiend from mine presence!

With gasping breath and heavy limbs she raised her body and fought. Unleashing a torrent of the Most High's gift of spark she drove out the wickedness in her mind, finding the desecrated frame of her unavailing enemy. The spirit of Michael was ever lively.

MICHAEL  
Let not it delve into the depths of evil to bolster it's unholy power! Strike whilst the fiend is prostrate!

With kicks straight and power true Vixen felled her proverbial Goliath in akin divine justice.

SABRINA  
Cease! Burden me not with prolonged conflict! I succumb to thine superior power and relinquish the crest of mine namesake.

Michael claimed his worthy prize and celebrated victory with feasting and merriment long into the night. Such vulgarity in victory appealed not to Vixen; preferential to the mannerisms of the humble knight than the rambunctious champion, but whilst being infirm and almost nary conscious her ears afforded her great pleasantries as she was cared and defended in terse word and action by her ill mannered companion, for which she was both glimmering with allured fascination and troubled by conscious doubt. Regardless of her haunting disillusion on the matter, she retired not until the festivities ceased and Michael's drunken carcass hauled into bed. Within the early hours of daylight's gleam they voyaged forth towards Fuchsia City.


	18. Chapter 18

"Michael, there is no way Kurt Cobain was Jesus Christ."

"They both spoke in parables and they both hated MTV. Face it, Vixen, he was our savior... and we killed him."

"He shot himself with a shotgun!"

"And God killed Jesus by sending him on a suicide mission. In a similar way we too killed Kurt."

"Whatever man, WHATEVER! If-"

"Safari Zone."

"What?"

They found themselves staring at a sign in the middle of the road. It read, "Kanto Region Safari Zone: Come catch all the Pokemon you can for just $500!*

*Government Regulations still apply"

Michael checked his wallet and smiled, "I think my luck is turning around."

Vixen however was less impressed. With a criticizing look she said, "Catching Pokemon in a stocked national park? That sounds a little lame, doesn't it?"

"Don't be a wet blanket, Vixen, this could be my chance to catch up to Gary and round my team out."

"It's your money, but government land is heavily protected," she said. They walked inside the Safari Zone building and greeted the man at the counter.

"Welcome to the Safari Zone! Would you like to take part in the hunt?" the man asked.

"I sure would!" Michael exclaimed, handing over the $500.

"Fantastic. Since this is your first time here I'll explain the rules."

"Rules? I just paid you fucking $500," Michael said.

"This is government land, sir. You're not allowed to weaken any of the Pokemon in the park. It's against the law."

"What?" said Mike.

"Yes, instead you have to throw rocks and this special Pokemon bait."

"WHAT?" said Mike.

"Yup, and you also get this pedometer. You're only allowed to take 500 steps inside the park before we call you out."

"FFFFFFUUUUUUU-" said Mike.

"Oh, and you're not allowed to use standard pokeballs. We issue you thirty Park Balls instead!"

Mike opened his mouth but all that came out was blood.

"What he means to say is, this is a rip off," Vixen said.

"I'm sorry, no refunds. However we do have a problem, we don't have any Park Balls," the man at the counter said.

Micahel snapped out of his stupefied state long enough to form coherent thought, "NO PARK BALLS? What in fuck's name am I supposed to do then!"

"While we were supposed to have our specially calibrated balls it seems the development ran longer than projected. Fortunately the generous folks at Silph Co. donated the engineers responsible, so you'll be able to catch Pokemon with Germans."

A stocky looking fellow with glasses and an engineering calculator came out of the back room, wheeling behind him an pressurized catapult. He smelled heavily of alcohol, sausage, and silicon carbide.

"This is Hans, your assigned German engineer. You can deploy Hans with the Pressure Activated R&D Katapult for the Ballistic Application of Lazy Liars, or simply the PARK BALL."

Vixen cowered behind Michael, shivering with fear. The man behind the counter looked perplexed and asked, "What's wrong with your spiky friend there?"

"She's Polish," Michael said.

"Oh. Well at any rate you can stash your Pokemon here at the gate and I'll let you in," the man said. Hans handed Michael his pedometer and Michael handed over his Pokemon. Together the three of them stepped inside the Safari Zone.

"Michael, this was a stupid idea," Vixen said.

"Hold on, I hear something." Michael peered through the brush as the tall grass shuffled. A Cubone popped it's head out to get a better look.

"Aww, it looks so sad... you should throw it some bait, Mike," Vixen said. Michael tossed a snack out. Tenderly the Cubone inched out of the grass and further into the clearing, it's eyes darting back and forth looking for danger. It gazed at the three of them cautiously as it approached the tasty morsel. With apprehension it took the first bite, then once it was satisfied, let it's guard down to taste more.

"That's it buddy, just a little further out," Mike cooed.

"It's so adorable, maybe this wasn't-"

"ROCK!" yelled Michael, throwing a fist sized chunk of stone at the Cubone, knocking it square between the eyes.

"MICHAEL WHAT ARE YOU-"

"ROCK! ROCK! ROCK!" Michael yelled, throwing three more stones at the Pokemon with a pitcher's technique. The Cubone was knocked unconscious and was pelted as it lay in the dirt. "NOW Hans, fire the PARK BALL!"

"Ich hoffe, dass dieses nicht verletzt," said Hans as he pressed the button. In a blast of air the squat German was airborne. With precision accuracy he landed squarely on the Cubone, picked it up, and threw it in a sack.

"Haha! Government approved, humane Pokemon catching. I love it!" Mike said, jamming his fist in the air, "Come on, Vixen, there's plenty more where that came from!" Vixen just stood there in horror at what she just saw. Fortunately though Michael didn't have to go very far to see his next Pokemon. Within a few steps a menacing Scyther appeared. "Hmm... a Scyther... what do you think, Vixen, should I go with the rock strategy?"

"It was so cute... and you just... the rocks..." Vixen was holding her face in her hands.

"You're right, better go with the German."

"Sie müssen scherzen." Hans said.

"Hans, fire at will!" Michael commanded. Reluctantly Hans flew from the catapult and onto the Syther. He felt the sting of the Pokemon's blades for a moment before the Syther hauled ass into the brush. "THE HUNT IS ON!" Mike yelled, helping Hans up and taking off after the Scyther. It flew well out of zone one into the second zone where it came to rest on a rocky hill. Thinking quickly, Michael picked a few rocks up and hurled them at the Pokemon. This however just made it angrier so Michael decided to use the German again before it got away.

"Nicht nicht wieder!" Hans said.

"DO IT!" Mike yelled. The cannon hissed and once again Hans sailed through the air. This time he missed the Scyther completely, landing on a pile of jagged rocks. Michael tore off after the Scyther again in hopes of cornering it.

By the time they reached zone three the Scyther was getting worn out. So was Michel, between carrying an armload of rocks and hurling them as hard as he could every step of the way this was truly turning into a battle of wills. When the Scyther stopped to catch it's breath Michael hit it hard with a rock. This just made it more angry.

"SCYTHER!" it cried, wings open and menacing.

"Vixen, any idea what I should do?" Michael said, turning behind him, "Vixen?" She was nowhere to be found. And neither was Hans. "Damn it, I need to improvise..."

Michael pulled a piece of bait out and chucked it at the Scyther. Having been chased all this distance it was quite hungry, so while staring down Michael it reached to pick up the bait. "That's it, buddy," Michael said, throwing another piece down. The Scyther poked it with it's blade and ate it in one gulp. Michael threw another piece just out of reach, and when the Scyther took his eyes off him to get it, Michael sprang into action.

"BAIT!" he cried, hurling a huge chunk of food, smacking the Pokemon upside the head. Scyther staggered and fell over. "NOW HANS!" Mike yelled as loud as he could. Off in the distance you could hear a German man saying something before an echoing air blast. Within seconds the portly fellow landed smack dab on the Scyther. Despite crippling injuries Hans threw the creature in his enormous sack.

"HA! That's two down!" Mike stated happily.

"Thank god that's also the last of your steps," Vixen said as she came up the trail, her face still wet from crying "You can't torture any more Pokemon. You can't even get back."

"Yes I can," said Michael.

"How?"

"With him." Michael pointed at Hans. Vixen's ears lowered at the prospect.

Within a half hour Michael had ridden Hans all the way back to the entrance. Having sustained multiple concussions, several broken bones, numerous high velocity impacts, internal bleeding, and after crawling on his hands and knees through the brush with a full grown person and a sack of Pokemon on his back while pulling a catapult behind him, Hans promptly collapsed.

"Pfft... typical Merc, by the time you get it home you have to take it to the shop," Mike said to himself as he walked in the building. Mike collected balls for the Pokemon he caught, got Hoshizamihirigami and Snorlax back, and let Vixen hold Cubone so she would shut the fuck up. With his arsenal filling nicely Michael headed on the road to Fuchsia City. 


	19. Chapter 19

Within minutes Michael Awesomerocks and his reluctant companion Vixen were in Fuchsia City. "It's a hell of a lot less pink than I thought it'd be," Michael said as they walked into the Pokemon center. They took a breather while the Pokemon were healed up, during which time Vixen must have started PMS.

"I don't CARE if it was government approved, there is no excuse for how you treated Cubone!" She vented.

"He's wearing a helmet, what more do you want!" Michael replied.

"I want you to start treating your Pokemon with respect. There is no way you can become the champion if you don't learn to take care of them!"

"I treat my Pokemon fine, Vixen, the problem is I know exactly what I'm doing and you can't stand that," Michael said, his tone dripping with venom, "I don't need your bleeding heart advice. Whenever I follow it things turn to shit."

Vixen was livid, "I... you! How dare you! All you've done this entire time is-"

"All I've done this entire time is prove you and your idiotic theories on Pokemon training wrong!" Michael turned away and collected his Pokemon from the nurse.

"Then why even bring me along? You treat me worse than if I was just a stupid Jolteon."

"You're right, why do I bring you along?" Michael said, looking at his empty master ball, "I have enough Pokemon now, I don't need you." Vixen's ears lowered as Michael threw her the master ball. "I don't want to be your master. Go piss someone else off, I'm done with you." With that Michael walked outside.

The sun was shining. The warm wind tousled Michael's hair as he walked towards the gym. It was a beautiful day, a perfect day for getting back to basics. For taking the next step in becoming the world's greatest Pokemon champion. Chest swelling with pride and ambition Michael flung the door to the gym open.

Inside it looked completely empty save for a few trainers and Ninja Lord Koga. Koga straightened his uniform and smiled that sharp anime smile with a gleam that people do when they know they're about to kick some serious ass. "Welcome Michael, I didn't expect to see you again."

"Koga! I dealt with you already! How did you survive the frisbee seppuku!"

"I had to finish what I started... with my erection."

"If that's how you want it, then so be it. I accept your challenge, Koga!" Michael yelled.

"Not so fast, Michael Awesomerocks!" Koga said, flinging his arm out with dramatic poise, "This gym is lined with invisible walls. You must avoid a battery of ninja traps before you face me!"

"Very well," Michael said, stepping forward. Suddenly, NINJAS! THOUSANDS OF THEM!

Vixen walked through the zoo outside the city. Leaning against the fencepost of an enclosure she pulled out her master ball. She was finally free, she'd spent so long trying to distance herself from that letch Michael... but somehow, she thought, this wasn't what she wanted. As she gazed out over the Lapras exhibit she watched the clouds start to roll in just as her doubt caressed her inside. At least when she was with Michael she felt like she was doing something. Even if she was just a velvet lining to his brash attitude it accomplished more than she'd ever done when she was at home. Performing protests for clean environments, speaking for rights she already had; nothing she did mattered nor did anyone care.

Michael fended off the ninja attacks from all sides with his 12 gauge and a box of nitro glycerin vials he'd pinched from a ninja land mine trap. The blowgun infested invisible hallway was sinister but thanks to his quick mastery of bullet-time he'd managed to evade every dart. All except the one that hit him in the left arm, paralyzing it and causing it to wobble around helplessly. As Michael approached the next trainer a flurry of throwing stars shot from under their robes.

"More ninjas!" Mike exclaimed while pulling out a pokeball. "GO! Hoshizamihirigami!"

"Charmander!" Hoshizamihirigami said as it emerged, meaning, "It's about damn time, good to see ya Mike!"

"Hoshizamihirigami, ninjas!" the Charmander nodded as it tilted it's cap and drew it's two 9mm pistols. Pointing them as sideways as possible he shot down the ninja stars as they flew, giving Michael precious time. Acting fast he threw the remainder of the nitro on the ground, causing a massive explosion and launching Michael, Hoshizamihirigami, and the trainer into the air.

Vixen tossed a left over snack into the Psyduck exhibit. She let out a sigh as the Pokemon waddled over and scarfed down the chewy bits. "Ma'am, you're not supposed to feed the Pokemon," A man said from behind her. She turned around and saw a young Pokemon ranger. A tall, strong, healthy looking ranger. In uniform.

"I... sorry I didn't see the sign..." Vixen said. The ranger didn't seem to notice what she said, his face looked shocked and a bit disgusted. Without saying anything he backed away. "What's wrong?" she asked.

"You... umm... nothing. I've just never seen a body modder before. Yeah, don't feed the Pokemon," he said and quickly turned to leave.

"Asshole..." Vixen said, turning back to the Psyduck. It looked up at her with a vacant look. "Of all the damn things... Michael liked how I look."

"Psy..." said Psyduck.

On the hill in the city, a large explosion was heard. Vixen raised her gaze and saw Michael flying through the air, furiously dodging ninja stars as Hoshizamihirigami gunned down a ninja.

Michael landed on the gym floor, cracking the boards. A Gibson was slung over his back, it's neck clenched in his fist. The explosion and Hoshizamihirigami had caught most of the gym on fire, it's flames blazing behind him, obscuring Michael's form in smoke and heat. He marched towards Koga, eyes set. Koga laughed, his voice echoing with the smoke through the gaping hole in the roof. As the vortex of heat and flames escaped through to the darkening sky Michael stood before his adversary.

"It's high time we settled this like true ninjas," Koga said. He popped an eleven foot boner and attacked Michael. Mike threw his back into a powerful swing of the Gibson. Guitar and penis clashed, shattering the gym to splinters. Michael leaped into the air, guitar overhead, swinging it down in a mighty arc. Koga dodged the attack and mollywhopped Michael with his phallus.

"This ends here, GO! SNORLAX!" Michael cried. Snorlax popped out of his ball, enormous as ever.

"You rely on a Pokemon to fight this match? No Pokemon stands a chance against the Ninja Lord Koga! GO! VENOMOTH!"

"Snorlax, teach this bitch a lesson!" Michael yelled. Snorlax was normally a pretty nice Pokemon but when the going got hard he turned into quite the motherfucker. And these goings were hard. As hard as Koga's cock. Which was pretty hard. But not as hard as Michael's. Michael popped his own boner and clashed with Koga. Snorlax didn't have to pop a boner, he was hardcore enough as he was. With a single punch he knocked the shit out of Venomoth. He dared not interfere with a ninja duel though, to do so would be dishonorable.

Vixen looked back down at Psyduck. "I wish I was able to see what he's doing. That ninja stuff looks fun..."

"Psy..." said Psyduck. It waddled away to it's pond as rain started to trickle down.

"THIS! ENDS! NOW!" Michael yelled, his boner, spearing Koga. A stab through the stomach is a mere flesh wound to a ninja warrior, but nonetheless Koga was brought to his knees.

"Stop! I submit! The spirit is willing... but the flesh is spongy and bruised," he said, quoting a ninja's favorite TV show, "You have earned the Soul Badge."

"YES!" Michael said, taking his prize and high-fiving Hoshizamihirigami.

"I beg of you though, don't take my school's banner," Koga said.

Michael looked thoughtful, "Well, what could you offer instead?"

Koga ushered Michael to out back of what was left of the gym to the secret ninja Koenigsegg stockpile. "Take one!" Koga said.

Michael did, and with Hoshizamihirigami in the passenger seat he burned rubber out to the main road. He put his foot to the floor and sped towards the ocean route to Cinnabar Island.

"...that's a cool car..." Vixen said, her eyes fixed on the blur of silver racing into the horizon. As Michael sped into the distance she realized he wasn't going to be coming back. Soaked to the bone from the rain and her fur discharging she returned to the Pokemon center to spend the night. 


	20. Chapter 20

Michael punched the accelerator and with a grunt of power his Swedish supercar roared down the freeway. The air rippled around its streamlined carbon-fiber curves as he blasted Queen through the stereo. Taking the exit for Cinnabar he floored it down the straight before pushing in the firm clutch and throwing the car into second. Brakes glowing red he entered the cloverleaf, feathering the gas, the rear wheels at the edge of their grip. Mike held the wheel with a death grasp as the g-forces slammed him against the door. The turn ended and he shifted into third. Turning from a symphony of heat and metal and oil to a carnage of fiery savagery the car spit flame and catapulted toward the docks.

"We're gonna make it in record time, Hoshizamihirigami!" Michael said, shifting into fourth. Hoshizamihirigami was plastered into his seat and couldn't respond.

The docks grew closer as Michael stomped the clutch down again. He hit the brakes hard before popping it into first gear. He pulled the handbrake, spun the back axil around and came to a screeching and smokey stop. The smell of burning clutch, rubber, and brake pads filled the cabin. Hoshizamihirigami let go of the upholstery only long enough to jump back into his pokeball. Michael picked him up and ran to the counter for his ferry ticket. After paying he looked at the time on the ticket and promptly had a fit.

"AN EIGHT HOUR WAIT!"

The clerk at the window was an old asshole who didn't give a shit, "Sir, our ferry runs on the same schedule as the busses. I'm sorry, you'll have to wait."

"Well what the fuck am I supposed to do for eight hours?"

"You can wait in the lobby, sir."

Michael took a seat inside the small building. A few hours passed as he gazed out the window over the water, alone in the building with the exception of the creepy Indian running the snack stand. Some more people trickled in, mostly drifters. Five hours into waiting he'd sampled everything for sale at the snack bar and had purchased a keychain with an Onix on it because "it looked hardcore." Within seven hours he'd assembled a fort from the uncomfortable plastic chairs and began watching internet videos on his Droid, his sanity dripping out his ear in proportion to his cell phone's battery life. He became paranoid and suspected the benches lining the lobby of plotting to destroy his plastic chair kingdom. He fortified his position with a magazine rack and waited for the siege.

Vixen woke up on a roll away bed at the Fuchsia Pokemon Center. Milking every drop out of the dim bliss of waking she got up, took a shower, and bought her breakfast without a thought. The luxury could only last so long however and while sitting in the lobby eating her veggie breakfast burrito she wondered what she'd do now that she wasn't following Michael around. She thought about taking a sight seeing trip of the past or doing volunteer work but no matter what came to mind she kept imagining the disgusted look of the ranger on every stranger's face. People here couldn't stand the sight of a pokemorph.

Vixen took another nibble out of her breakfast. Her mind was still a little foggy but she started to realize if she wanted to fit in she'd have to do something about her appearance. Even if she wanted to change she still had a problem; in the future body modification shops were all over the place but in this time they weren't popular at all. It was still a very new procedure and the only place that could possibly undergo a reversal would be the genetic laboratories on Cinnabar Island.

Vixen looked down at herself with a heavy sigh. She personally liked being a pokemorph but survival meant adaptation. Besides, it was only for a year, just until she could get home. Reluctantly deciding it was for the better she finished her breakfast, checked the transportation schedule and waited outside at the bus stop for the next ride to Cinnabar.

It came as a shock that the public transportation of this time was unspeakably terrible. What was normally a pleasant bus ride in 2025 was a scarring experience in 2010. The entire time she was on the bus, squeezed between two American sized middle aged men, she thought of how much easier life would have been if she'd just said no to that volunteer work as a Christmas spirit. Or if she hadn't tried to kill Michael. Or if she had one of those big, gas guzzling trucks to mow those damnable cars out of the way and wouldn't have to stop every 5 minutes to let more fat people on.

Michael's cell phone was dead, the benches were starving him out, and his fort was being threatened by angry grandmas who wanted an extra chair for their purses. It was at this crucial time that the angelic sound of air brakes echoed through the lobby; the bus had finally arrived. Michael laid back in his plastic walled fortress, relieved that his misery would soon be over. A legion of fat, ugly, and creepy people swarmed into the lobby and occupied all the benches. Michael popped his head out only long enough to see his old companion get off the bus.

"AIR!" Vixen cried, gasping at the sea breeze. After recovering from the smell of too many sweaty bodies pressed disgustingly close together she got her ticket and walked into the lobby, taking a seat on the bench next to the grandmas. She poked the fort of chairs in front of her and Michael knocked back.

"Michael?" she asked.

He poked his head out again. "... No girls allowed," Michael said, retreating back into his fort. Vixen grabbed a load baring chair, causing the entire structure to collapse. She put it in line and sat down, still traumatized from the bus ride.

"I would have thought you'd be the Pokemon Champion by now with how much carrying on you did," she said.

"I would have thought you'd be a Planeteer by now but apparently both our plans are a little behind schedule," Michael said, picking the chairs up, "So, why are you following me?"

"I'm not, I have to go to Cinnabar on personal business."

"Bullshit, you're still trying to keep me from being awesome so you can live in Granolaville."

"WATCH YOUR MOUTH YOUNG MAN!" said an irritated grandma, beating Mike with her walker.

Michael spent the next five minutes ignoring Vixen while Vixen spent the next five minutes trying to get the smell of diesel exhaust and fat person sweat out of her nose. At last the ferry arrived. Everyone piled on board, some in their cars, most in the crowded passenger cabin. Vixen sat down only to find the passenger section was exactly like the bus; crowded, smelly, and filled with fat people. She turned around in her cramped seat and looked out the window at Michael in his car, headbanging to the stereo. She pressed her face against the glass, but when Michael looked up and saw her, puppy eyes and all, he shook his head and turned up Quiet Riot.

Vixen was poked in the rib by a 300lb woman rummaging through her purse while being leaned on by an equally large man beside her trying to remove a partially used Kleenex from his pocket. She banged her head on the glass repeatedly in defeat. Michael witnessed this horrifying spectacle of fat person abuse, rubbed his temples and gestured for her to get in. In a yellow blur she was out of the passenger cabin and inside the car.

"Happy now?" Michael said, turning his radio down.

"Ye- umm... I guess," Vixen said cooly.

"Mind telling me why you're still following me now?"

"I'm not following you. I have business with the lab in Cinnabar."

"Uh huh... OH YEAH! So do I!" Mike said, pulling the fossil out of his pocket, "I pulled this thing out of Mt. Moon a long time ago. I hear they can resurrect it."

"That they can. So what are we gonna do? It takes an hour to get to Cinnabar and we're trapped in a car on a boat full of American tourists," Vixen asked.

"You mean what are two young adults going to do alone in a car with an hour to burn?"

"Yeah."

"I dunno."

Inside his pokeball Hoshizamihirigami slapped himself in the face so hard he suffered a mild concussion.

Michael looked thoughtful for a moment and said, "Let's make fun of Americans, white people, fat people, and white fat Americans."

"Okay!"

Without even coming close to exhausting comedy material the hour long trip was over and they arrived at Cinnabar Island. Michael drove to the lab and walk into the reception area. Vixen slipped away down a hallway while Michael was getting directions to the resurrection lab. After getting lost several times he ended up in a laboratory with Professor Griff.

"Hello, I hear you're looking to resurrect your fossil!" Professor Griff said.

"That's right!" said Mike, handing over the fossil.

"This is going to take a little time," Professor Griff said, putting it into a machine and entering a code into the computer. Whirrs and clicks followed as the two watched.

"So... I hear Cinnabar is over a major fault line," Michael mused.

"That it is, in fact the entire island was built by volcanos," Professor Griff replied.

"Any chance that seismic activity is still active?".

"Oh sure, it's been active for as long as the island's been here."

"So it'd be pretty terrible if something happened, like say, a huge earthquake."

"Oh yeah, that'd be devastating. We're simple island folk, we're not prepared for a major natural disaster. Yup, I'd guess around a hundred thousand people would die."

"That's a lot!" Mike exclaimed.

"You bet it is. We'd probably receive aid from other nations all over the coast!"

"Wow, that major huh?"

"Yup."

"...Nothing like anything like that would ever happen though, right?" Mike inquired.

"Never in a million years," Professor Griff replied.

The machine dinged and Professor Griff handed Michael his very own Kabuto.

"That thing... is hideous," Michael said.

"And it's all yours. Congratulations!" Professor Griff said, giving Mike Kabuto's pokeball. Michael put it inside and walked out of the lab, somewhat disappointed but still undeterred. After all, it was time for him to get his seventh gym badge.

As Michael walked to the gym the same feeling of freedom and ambition heralded his approach. Gathering his awesome, he opened the door. Inside he didn't find ninjas, he didn't find ridiculousness, all he found was Blaine and his computers. The gym was a laboratory of sorts with the middle a dedicated Pokemon arena. As Michael entered Blaine looked up from his terminal and entered the ring.

"Michael Awesomerocks, I've been watching your progress. You've made it quite far but your adventure is about to get a lot tougher." Blaine adjusted his glasses, "We'll settle this like proper trainers and without fanfare. Even Gary didn't get away with his antics in this gym. It was here he proved himself as a trainer. You, like him, are going to fight me in a true Pokemon match."

"A gear check, huh? Okay, Blaine, we'll play it your way," Michael said, drawing his pokeball, "I choose you, Snorlax!" Snorlax jumped onto the arena, his enormous mass shaking the gym floor.

"Go, Ponyta!" Blaine shouted, tossing his pokeball. The burning horse Pokemon emerged, "Use double-kick!"

Ponyta rushed Snorlax, it's powerful legs striking him. With his massive girth Snorlax barely felt a thing. "Snorlax, use double-edge!" Mike commanded. Flinging himself at Ponyta he crushed his opponent. The attack was clumsy and Snorlax ended up hurting himself in the process.

"Ponyta, return!" Blaine yelled, "It's good to see you have a strong Pokemon, Michael, but let's see your strategy. I choose you, Arcanine!" An enormous dog Pokemon emerged, it's mane rippling from it's own body heat. Blaine straightened up, "Fire blast, now!" A torrent of fire erupted from Arcanine's maw. In spite of his size Snorlax was immolated.

"Don't take that, Snorlax, give it a hyper beam!" Mike shouted. Snorlax nodded, built himself up and charged his beam. Arcanine stood on it's toes, it's fur bristling in anticipation. Snorlax fired and in a red blur Arcanine dodged away. Snorlax, took a moment to recover, all the time needed for the finishing blow. Arcanine leaped up and used a powerful bite attack, crippling Snorlax.

"Damn it! Snorlax, return!" Michael had used his star player first, a foolish mistake. He'd have to make due, "I choose you, Cubone!"

Cubone emerged from his ball, bone club swung over his shoulder, ready for action. "Ok, Cubone, use earthquake!"

Blaine looked at Michael, "..."

As did Cubone, "..."

And Arcanine, "..."

"What?" Michael said. Michael apparently forgot that it's NOT FUNNY. "Shut up, TA." No, you shut up Michael, not cool.

"Okay fine, use bone club, Cubone." Cubone charged Arcanine, smacking it hard with his club. The attack was fruitful for such a small Pokemon and Arcanine doubled back, but all it took was a take down to crush the weak Pokemon.

"Not again! Cubone, return!" Michael said, "Let's up the ante, GO! SCYTHER!" Scyther popped out of it's ball. It stretched it's wings and readied itself for attack, "Now, use agility!"

Scyther darted around the arena floor. "A change in tactics? Good, Arcanine, stay with it," Blaine said. Arcanine tried to catch it but Scyther stayed ahead of it's every move.

"Scyther, slash attack!" Mike yelled. Scyther turned on the pursuing Arcanine and let it sample the enormous blades. Arcanine was knocked to the ground, blood pouring from it's face from the critical strike.

"Arcanine, use flamethrower!" Blaine instructed. Arcanine belched out a torrent of fire, burning Scyther and keeping him at bay. Scyther used it's huge blades to deflect the flames but he was at a disadvantage against a fire type.

"Scyther, get out of there, use quick attack!" Scyther bolted out of the flames and slammed into the Arcanine, sending it to the ground a second time.

"Arcanine, finish it with a take down," Blaine said. Arcanine got to it's feet and tackled Scyther. Between it's weak defense and painful burn Scyther couldn't muster the energy to get up. With disapproval Blaine added, "You're inexperienced with how you handle your Pokemon, Michael, you should be doing better than this."

"Scyther, return!" Michael knew he couldn't beat Blaine now but he wasn't about to surrender. Not after coming this far. "Go, Hoshizamihirigami!" His Charmander appeared on the gym floor. No nines, no baseball cap, just determination in it's eyes. This was Hoshizamihirigami's home turf, he had something to prove to his fire Pokemon peers. "Okay, Hoshizamihirigami, use slash!"

"Charmander!" Hoshizamihirigami replied, charging down the gym floor. Arcanine pounced at him for another take down but Hoshizamihirigami was too experienced. He jumped over the bounding Pokemon and landed in front of Arcanine's wounded face. With all his might the Charmander's claws added gaping wounds on the already battered Arcanine. Unable to cope, Arcanine fell in defeat.

"Great job, Hoshizamihirigami!" Michael yelled. His Charmander looked at him thoughtfully before he was enveloped in a blinding light. Before their eyes Hoshizamihirigami evolved into a Charmeleon.

"AWW HELL YEAH!" Michael yelled, jumping up and down in excitement. Blaine however was less impressed. A confident smirk flashed as he threw out his third pokeball. It hit the floor and a powerful Rapidash appeared.

"Uh oh, stay sharp, pal," Michael said.

"This ends here. Rapidash, use double-kick."

Rapidash charged at the newly evolved Pokemon. Not used to his new form, Hoshizamihirigami fumbled instead of dodging, getting critically hit by both hind legs. Within seconds Michael went from celebration to dismal failure. He still had his Kabuto but it would be a massacre. Reluctantly Michael returned Hoshizamihirigami and admitted defeat. Blaine claimed his prize money from Mike.

"Michael, your Pokemon are strong but not strong enough. Gary won by brute force but you don't have that luxury. If you want to succeed you need to train your Pokemon to use their strengths more effectively." With that, Blaine turned back to his research. Michael retreated to the Pokemon center with his battered team.

A cloud hung over the Pokemon center as Michael waited for his partners to be healed. This was his first true loss and it was miserable. Not simply because he failed but because he brought it upon himself. He remembered when he needed a clutch player before he could call on Vixen. Now he'd made an ass of himself and threw her away.

Well, he thought, it was no use sitting around like a tit. If I want to beat Blaine I'll have to man up and get her back. If I'm was lucky, maybe she'll help me out. With that depressing but necessary thought in mind he reclaimed his Pokemon and headed back to the laboratory to track her down. It was getting late but considering her track record Michael was sure she wasn't far away.

When he entered the lab he found Vixen sitting in the lobby filling out a clip board. "Well this is convenient," Michael said, "Vixen, I was... what's the matter?" Vixen's eyes were swollen and the fur on her face was moist, she'd obviously been sobbing a bit.

"None of your business. Leave me alone," she said, her voice surprisingly even.

"Look, I came back here to apologize about what happened in Fuchsia. I don't think... you're useless or a pain in the ass. I'm sorry."

"It's too late for that," Vixen said matter-of-factly.

"I know I'm kind of a thick bloke sometimes but can't you cut me a little slack? You didn't seem to mind me when you needed to escape those tourists on the ferry."

"That's not what I'm talking about," she replied, "I'm scheduled for gene splicing tomorrow. I'm going to be turned into a normal human."

Michael got a confused look on his face, "What! What about all that 'campaigning for acceptance' shit?"

"Because people hate pokemorphs, it's not going to change. We're weird, we're funny looking, they're freaked out by us, and we scare small children. Sure, we attain equal rights, but what does it matter when we're not truly accepted?"

"What does that matter? Since when have you cared what other people think?"

"Since people actually started judging me for who I am! I've never been looked at so strangely as when people look at me here. It makes the occasional glances I got in my own time seem almost kind."

"Fuck them, it's about what you want," Michael said, still in disbelief that his antagonizing compatriot was this easily defeated.

"It's not that easy," Vixen replied flatly.

This was pissing Michael off. Of all the things to suck about the future, really awesome body modification was not one of them. "No, Vixen, it's not that easy. Being awesome is rarely easy. I just got my ass handed to me by a nerd in a lab coat and before that I impaled a ninja with my penis, twice. I've repeatedly been blind drunk, been shown up by bassists, been raped by sailors, been dragged along on this stupid quest long past my breaking point, endured humiliation from Gary, spoke an entire day in olde English, fought zombies, battled single-handedly against Brock O'Blahma, and was dragged through time and space by the ghosts of Christmas." Michael glowered at her, "I did not do all that for you to bail on the one fucking awesome thing about the future."

"You were an ass to me from the very beginning, why are you trying so hard to keep me from giving in and becoming normal?" Vixen asked, his diatribe reminding her of why she wanted to be free of Mike in the first place.

"Because I need your help to defeat Blaine. And because I feel like an asshole because all you were really trying to do was help, even if it was annoying and half-assed. And because it's ri-god-damn-diculous that you'd come THIS FAR to give up on who you are."

"So I should stop trying to be normal because some asshole needs my help after treating me like shit."

"Know what, fuck you. I'm trying to help goddamn it."

"You mean like I was?" Vixen glared at Michael, "No, I'm done with you. Go piss someone else off."

Mike spat on the floor as he turned to leave. Looking back he said, "You know, as much of a bitch you were to me I always respected that you stuck to your guns. I actually gave a damn about you, that's why I dragged you along as far as I did when I could have just dropped you like dead weight. I knew you hated me but I never once tried to pull shit with you, even if it meant giving Hoshizamihirigami an aneurism from frustration. Now though, I guess I just don't care. Do whatever the fuck you want." Michael walked the door and headed back to the Pokemon center. By the time he arrived it was late and with a lot on his mind he turned in. 


	21. Chapter 21

Michael Awesomerocks awoke the next morning in a bitter mood. He skipped breakfast, far too upset to eat. Not only had he been shunned by Vixen, he faced a daunting gym leader with no mercy and no tolerance for his usual tactics. Michael found himself lost in thought as he perambulated about the island of Cinnabar. Eventually he found himself back outside the gym, pacing in frustration. He knew if he walked in and challenged Blaine again it'd end the same way; failure, him dragging his team back to the Pokemon center and tripping over the tail between his legs.

As Michael thought about this a thud was heard on the roof. "Hey, you down there!" came a gruff voice. Mike looked up and saw a strange man on top of the gym. "Yeah, you, what're you doing pacing around?"

"What's it to you?" Mike replied.

"I figured you were defeated by Blaine in a fair match and now you can't figure out how to beat him without breaking the awesome barrier," the man said with a smirk.

"I... how did you know?" Michael said, a little flabbergasted.

"I know lots of things, like how you can't stand the thought of leaving without that badge. Like how you'll do anything to win. More importantly, I know how to beat Blaine at his own game."

Michael looked around. It was still early in the morning and the streets around the gym were mostly deserted. "I'm listening," he replied.

"The coast along this island is known for it's beautiful beaches but people don't often take a look at the shore the city backs into. You should drop off the ledge behind the gym and have a look.

"What's back there?" Michael asked.

"Can't say much more, friend, but in my time I've seen some strange stuff come out of there down by the edge of the cement shore wall. I hear they used to dump there and that's why we had a Grimer infestation a while back."

Mike hopped over the chain link fence next to the gym and peered into the sea. It was a bit of a drop into the water but he didn't see anything out of the ordinary. "There's nothing down there!" he called, but as he turned to look at the man he realized no one was there. Michael's eyes shrank to tiny dots as it struck him there was no way onto the roof of the building.

After getting over his bout of insanity Mike figured it was worth checking out the secluded shore, he had nothing better to do at any rate. He walked to the island's mart and shopped for supplies. Roaming the isles he felt like an idiot for taking the advice of a hallucination but still ended up placing a few ultra balls and an escape rope on the counter. The shop keep looked up at him and smiled, "Wow, someone must be adventuring today!"

"Yeah, I was gonna check out the Pokemon along the coast," Mike replied.

"Oh, that's great, the water is lovely this time of year. Enjoy yourself, sir!" Mike took the bag of supplies and headed back to the docks. Jumping the fence and tying the escape rope to a piece of construction rebar sticking out of the cement Michael stripped down and jumped into the sea. He swam along in the shadow of the island like the mysterious stranger told him to. The warm water was therapeutic after such a disappointing turn of events and Michael found his mood improving. After a long while of uneventful swimming though the notion that he might be crazy started to creep back into his mind.

Michael decided to have one more look before giving up. Swimming out again, this time a little further, he made his way to the barrier rocks behind the gym. It was a surreal place from this perspective, the rest of the island was almost entirely out of sight and sea was obscured by enormous volcanic rocks jutting out of the ground. As he swam back to the rope something caught his eye. When he turned around it was gone, so he continued on his way. The next thing he knew he was being blasted out of the sea by a painful jet of water. Michael flew twenty feet in the air before splashing back down. He whipped his head around to see what shot him but there was nothing there.

Michael was unnerved but stood his ground. "Okay, have it your way, go Kabuto!" Kabuto splashed into the water. Floating about, it started angrily splashing in one direction. "Use absorb, Kabuto." Mike said, still unable to see the attacker. Kabuto concentrated, pulling the life out of some unseen enemy. Before Mike's eyes an enormous Pokemon appeared. Or at least he thought it was a Pokemon. It was more of a distortion. Whatever it was it didn't like Kabuto's attack and started glowing.

"Use harden!" Kabuto's carapace glistened in the sun. The mysterious figure leapt into the air and struck Kabuto with otherworldly power, knocking it out with a single blow. "Kabuto, return!" Mike yelled. "Go, Snorlax!" Snorlax popped out and drifted lazily in the sea. The figure was now fully revealed. It didn't have much of a body, only a twisting distorted combination of blocks. Mike didn't know what it was but he knew it was strong and needed to catch it. "Okay, Snorlax, use mega punch!" Snorlax swung at the strange Pokemon, discombobulating it. It immediately struck back with a water gun attack.

"Time to give these new balls a try. Go, ultra ball!" Mike threw the ball and it sucked the strange Pokemon in. In a few shakes the ultra ball floated motionless in the water. Mike scooped it up. Without warning Snorlax was struck with another water gun attack coming from where the Pokemon appeared. "What the fuck is this shit!" Mike yelled, "I caught you already, dumbass!" Michael was shaking the ball in his hand, "Snorlax, this bitch be trippin', use hyper beam." Snorlax seemed to know where the lingering impression was and fired it's beam. Afterwords there was stillness and Mike assumed it must be over. "This is some crazy shit, lets just beat Blaine and get out of here." Mike said as he returned Snorlax. He swam to the rope, pulled himself out of the water, got dressed, and headed for the Pokemon center.

As he handed his Pokemon over to be healed Mike checked his watch. It was only a quarter passed a scramble. What, he thought, no that can't be right. Mike figured the sea water must have damaged it. Before long his Pokemon were done healing and he high tailed it to the gym, anxious to remedy his humiliation.

Once again he found Blaine busy working with his programs. Looking up from his monitor for a moment he addressed Mike, "What are you doing back here so soon?"

"Time for an ass whooping, Blaine," Mike said, his arms crossed with that cocky anime look.

"You can't have trained your Pokemon that quickly, there's no way you can win. Especially with that attitude." Regardless, Blaine took his place in the arena with Mike, "I choose you, Growlithe!"

"Your fire Pokemon are screwed, go... whatever the fuck you are!" Michael tossed the ball and the strange Pokemon popped out, still a swirling mass of distortion.

"What in god's name is that!" Blaine exclaimed.

"It's... I dunno hold on." Mike checked his pokedex but the register would only display "MISSINGNO." "Well whatever you are, Missingno, use water gun!" The floating mass shot a powerful water gun at the Growlithe, blasting it out of the arena.

"Growlithe, return," Blaine looked concerned but against his better judgement continued the battle, "I choose you, Rapidash!"

"Hit it with another water gun, Missingno!" Mike yelled. Missingno fired it's water gun with such force that the Rapidash was slammed against the far gym wall.

"Rapidash, return!" Blaine said, "Go, Arcanine!"

"Hit it with another water gun!" Mike commanded, but instead Missingno started glowing, "Umm... ok or sky attack."

"You can't even control your Pokemon!" Blaine said in shock, "You don't deserve to become a Pokemon master. Arcanine, fire blast!" Arcanine unleashed it's torrent of fire but was unable to stop the mysterious Missingno. Like a streak of lightning Missingno dashed across the gym and plowed into Arcanine, sending it hurtling out of the ring. "Arcanine, return. Michael, this is lunacy. You have no control over your Pokemon and it's almost otherworldly in power."

"Does that mean you concede?" Mike asked slyly.

"I'll grant you the gym badge if you dispose of that... thing."

"Pfft, no way, this thing is my ticket to the championship. Send out your last Pokemon!" Mike taunted. Blaine grudgingly sent out his Ponyta which Missingno promptly dispatched with another water gun. "Ha!" Mike exclaimed, returning Missingno, "Now, I'll be taking my badge!"

Blaine pulled a Volcano badge out of his pocket and handed it to Mike. When Mike pinned it on his shirt Missingno broke out of it's ball. "Michael, put that damn thing away!" Blaine yelled. Missingno fired a water gun at Blaine, sending him crashing into his computer equipment.

"Missingno, return!" Mike yelled but the Pokemon evaded him. It crashed through the gym's ceiling and flew away. "God fucking damn it!" Mike yelled, running out of the gym. He grabbed his Droid to call for back up but it was completely scrambled. He looked up as an explosion shook the ground. Mike ran down the road to see buildings collapsing, massive holes punched in the sides of cement walls.

Through the rubble and dust Michael saw shuffling. He hurried to check on the survivors but as he got closer something started to feel wrong. The dust settled and several people emerged, distortion where their wounds should be. They charged Mike, blinded with crazy. Michel pulled out his shotgun uzi and fired his entire clip Rambo style but was forced to run for his life when he was out of ammo. As he ran down the road he heard the clatter of an assault rifle. He turned around and found an Army Ranger and a trail of dead scramble zombies.

"Who are you?" Mike asked, but the soldier said nothing. His uniform read "Ramirez." "Where is the rest of your squad?" Ramirez just shrugged. Michael figured he was good enough with the rifle so together they ran after Missingno. After several blocks and never ending waves of zombies Michael and Ramirez eventually met up with another Ranger.

"Star!" Michael yelled.

"Shit... I don't know any of the calls I'm just a runner!" said the befuddled Ranger.

"The answer is 'Texas', soldier! Where's the rest of your platoon?"

"At the Whiskey Hotel!"

"Ramirez, clear the way to the Whiskey Hotel!" Mike yelled. The other Ranger ran off as Ramirez shouldered his rifle and fought his way through the unceasing undead hordes of scrambled zombies. Eventually they made it to the Whiskey Hotel which was completely barren of living soldiers, just more zombies. "God damn it, all the Rangers are zombies too!" Michael said, scavenging some ammo off a corpse. Ramirez fought his way to the top of the hotel with Michael following close behind. When they reached the top they expected plot advancement but found nothing useful.

"Wasn't there supposed to be a flare or something?" Michael said, turning to Ramirez. The private just shrugged. "Well damn it, what now?" He looked out over the city from the top of the hotel. In the near distance he saw Missingno tearing apart an entire neighborhood. There was a ruckus behind him as more zombies rushed up the stairs. Michael loaded his shotgun uzi and pinned the zombies down at the doorway. A zombie popped out of the door and BLAM! It's head disintegrated. Michael ratcheted another round into the chamber as a zombie darted into the room. BLAM!

Another came around the corner, BLAM! And another, BLAM! Then a blinding flash came from the doorway. Zombies flew into the room backwards, their bodies charred. Michael cleared his vision and raised his gun to find Vixen in his sights. "Vixen! What happened!" he said, lowering his gun.

"Some solder came running up to me screaming 'star'. I asked him what was going on and he just told me to make my way to the Whiskey Hotel."

"No, I mean why are you still a pokemorph?"

"Oh... the lab got blown up. Some fucktard unleashed an abomination against nature and it's running rampant in the city..." Michael averted his eyes, choosing to focus on how incredibly shiny his gun was. Ramirez sensed imminent drama so he just took point. Vixen looked at Mike for a moment as her face got more and more twisted. "MICHAEL! What in FUCK'S NAME WERE YOU THINKING!"

"I was thinking I needed to get my seventh gym badge. And I did!" Michael said, gesturing to the pin on his shirt.

"You fucking moron do you have any idea what that thing is! It's a Pokemon that's been infected with the Pokerus! Anything and everything it touches is scrambled and overpowered!"

"That would explain the zombies..." Michael said. As Vixen began a rant about how much she wanted to strangle him with his own tongue Mike fired a hipshot and split a zombie Ramirez had missed in two. "Vixen-" he started.

"...And you're fucking retarded ideas! I mean Kurt Cobain as Jesus Christ! I can't believe we had that conversation!"

"Vixen!"

"With all the times I got beat up and blown up and tossed around you would have thought I'd get the slightest bit of consideration, but NO! All I get is the same excuses about you being awesome and I get treated like shit! I'm not even following you anymore and you're STILL destroying my life!"

"VIXEN!"

"...And Ted Kennedy most certainly WOULD agree with me, I don't care what you say, he would never force his Pokemon to evolve..."

"PREDATOR MISSILE!"

"I don't care what you said about me in the Pokemon cent- what?"

"Five kill streak, give me your cell phone."

Vixen looked at him blankly and handed him her cell phone out of her pocket. Michael opened the clamshell and guided a predator missile towards the Missingno. Down the street a burning line cut the scenery. The explosion rocked the ground as dust billowed into the streets. Michael looked at his watch, it was working again. His Droid was working too and even the people started to turn back to normal. Except the dead ones, but Michael ignored them.

"I don't believe it..." Vixen said, "I don't fucking believe it. You saved the city from yourself."

"Ramirez," Michael said, "Get to the evac zone, we're done here." Ramirez hauled ass out of the hotel as Michael looked out over the city. Vixen just sat there, her jaw slack and eyes unfocused. After a moment she regained cognition and looked at Mike.

"I give up. I just... I give up. I can't be normal, I can't escape your stupid antics, I can't go home, but you get to be a dick and succeed in everything." She absently gazed down at the bullet peppered room.

"You have to look on the bright side. For one, we're still alive. For another, I got my gym badge. And third, you're still a pokemorph."

"That's NOT A GOOD THING, Mike!" Vixen shrieked.

"Yes it is, I wasn't about to let you throw what you love about yourself away because some idiots with no taste don't like how you look."

"So this wanton destruction of property and loss of life was just a contrived way of keeping me the way you want me?"

"No, it was a contrived way of getting a gym badge without investing hours in training a proper team to master their individual skills and overcome a common obstacle. However, if I'd known that unleashing a hellish infected Pokemon upon the unsuspecting masses and subsequently having to put it down would merely prevent you from sacrificing your originality and passion then I'd have done it anyway."

"That... really?"

"Yup."

Vixen was at a loss for words. She couldn't decide if it was totally radical or utterly stupid.

"If you don't come along I'm going to have to resort to extreme measures to get my next badge, maybe even a Rocky-esque training montage. I don't want it to come to that."

Vixen looked at him, lost in thought. If she went along, he'd still be the same selfish prick. If she didn't go he would probably find some way of destroying the whole of Kanto if it meant getting his final badge. Plus she had nowhere else to go now and no one else would accept her. After some consideration she conceded, "I guess I'll come along, if only to prevent you from starting nuclear war over that next damn badge. AND! I am NOT. YOUR. POKEMON. Clear?"

"Crystal," Michael said, and with that they headed for the docks. 


	22. Chapter 22

When we last left Michael Awesomerocks he had just saved Cinnabar Island from the terrible Missingno. After acquiring a pair of ferry tickets Michael and Vixen decided to chill at the beach for a few hours. Vixen found that lounging in the sun and contracting Melanoma was a fantastic idea while Michael constructed a sand castle of unrealistic proportions.

"Hoshizamihirigami, hand me that spade, we have to sure our western wall against high tide."

"Charmeleon," said Hoshizamihirigami, meaning "I question the use of sand against the combined power of the world's most vast body of water and the moon's gravitational influences affecting the tidal forces."

"What did you just say?"

"Charmeleon," he said, meaning "I mean... damn nigger, that shit won't work... homie."

"That's more like it. And hell yes it will. I've worked an intricate series of canals to remove the excess water and channel it into the castle's aqueducts."

Vixen tilted her head to look at the monstrous construction project going on beside her, "Michael, why don't you just relax for once in your life?"

"What's that? I couldn't hear you over the sound of how fucking amazing this castle is!"

"If you say so... I don't think there's any feeling more awesome than laying in the sun..."

"What about going out with two hot chicks at the same time while simultaneously being told you've won the lottery and eating delicious cake?"

Vixen stared at him, "...wow."

"Yeah, that cake was fucking awesome."

Just then Steve Jobs arrived by jetpack along with a throng of Apple devotees. Vixen, upon seeing her lord and savior, immediately joined the mob as Michael and Hoshizamihirigami hurried to lock the barricades of their fortress.

With a trendy bluetooth Steve's voice echoed over the mass of people, "Welcome, my devoted followers, I have come to bestow upon you yet another fantastic product." He pulled out an enormous iPod Touch, "How many times have you wished your iPod Touch didn't fit in your pocket so you'd be forced to carry it in the open, exposing everyone to just how cool you are for owning an Apple product? How many times have you wanted a netbook but didn't want the hassle of a keyboard, the functionality of a full operating system, or the extra money you'd save? Now, with the iPad, both dreams are possible!"

Liberals in black turtlenecks crowded around the hovering Steve Jobs. Vixen eagerly made her way through the mass of people to get a better look at the suave new product. Steve continued his speech, "Right now, as a special one time offer, you may purchase an iPad for only your unending devotion. Pledge your soul to Apple and the latest in fashionable technology will be yours!"

People began signing contracts raining down from heaven and walking away with enormous iPads. Amidst the chaos a voice of reason broke through the chants and screams. "Never!" Michael stood at the top of his sand castle wall, Hoshizamihirigami by his side, "You're a fraud, Mr. Jobs, a curse to humanity."

"Heretic! I am god to these people! Who are you to deprive them their salvation!"

"A follower of the almighty! A man who stands for truth, awesome, and righteousness."

Steve parted the crowd with a motion of his hand, "Let us see if your god will save you from my divine retribution!" Steve's eyes glowed Apple white as Michael was thrown back my some unseen force. Hoshizamihirigami drew his pistols but every bullet was deflected by Steve's built in rolled aluminium case.

"Lord Jobs, don't! Just show him the ways of an easily navigable user interface!" Vixen cried.

"Child, any sin is forgivable by Apple but one. I've endured blasphemy and my name taken in vain, but this man willingly purchased a Droid."

Michael drew his shotgun uzi and unloaded into the glowing, floating Steve Jobs. His weapon was of little effect, and as Steve tapped into the power of 3G Michael's first bulwark crumbled into dust.

"Charmeleon!" cried Hoshizamihirigami, meaning "How dare you, in your power you've forgotten the true meaning of Apple, to provide the best user experience for all people! If this is achievable with Android then who are you to judge? This is sacrilege against your own teachings!"

"Such insolence! My products are perfect! Android is a vile impression of my teachings!"

"Fool! Your very foundations stem from open source unix code!"

"BLASPHEMY!" Steve cried, blasting Hoshizamihirigami with a hail of iPod accessories.

Vixen was horrified by this spectacle, "But Lord Jobs," she protested, "mercy towards the environment is part of Apple's creed! You must show love for all creatures, even ones as thoughtless as them."

"My child, do not worry yourself with the ways of the mysterious almighty."

"But... but if Ted Kennedy were still here..."

"If Ted Kennedy were still here, he'd buy an iPad." Steve lifted his own iPad and initiated the iSubjugate app. Great beams of holy light shot from the docking port and began crumbling the massive sand castle.

"Oh lord! Why have you forsaken me!" Michael cried from within his sandy fortress-turned-prison. As his words fell the sky broke and an angelic chorus of Smells Like Teen Spirit filled the air.

"Oh ye of little faith!" came an incoherent voice. Down from the sky descended an angelic figure.

"It's Jesus!" said an onlooker.

"It's Kurt Cobain!" said another.

"It's both!" said Michael.

Kurt "Jesus" Cobain descended from heaven, a shotgun in one hand and a guitar in the other. Michael's eyes welled with tears of admiration. The crowd was awed into silence as Steve looked on at the spectacle with infuriated glares. Kurt spoke to the masses, "I have brought with me the great judicator of all decisions, my right hand, Ted Kennedy."

Ted Kennedy appeared in a pillar of light, immaculate as ever, and addressed Steve. "Steve Jobs, with lies you have conjured a massive following. While your intentions were pure we allowed this in the spirit of grace towards humanity but you have gone astray. Give up your greedy ambitions and repent, lest your own actions be your undoing!"

"And who do you think you are, to tell the master of Appledom that he is to be submissive?" Steve unleashed a torrent of fire...wire. Hundreds of cables constricted the ex senator and the ex rock star. Within moments they were obscured under a layer of slithering white high speed transfer rates.

Vixen was in shock. Her hero, Ted Kennedy, was being defeated by her savior, Steve Jobs. She couldn't take it all in, it was too painful. Fire immolated the cables covering the divine figures as Hoshizamihirigami fought to keep the firewire at bay. Michael reloaded his shotgun and blasted Steve's iPad, shattering it's all glass exoskeleton. The cables slithered away, revealing the two deities.

Kurt Cobain swung his guitar and raised it above his head. A huge wave overtook Steve, shorting his jetpack and causing him to fall to the sand. Steve raised his hand and commanded his followers to attack. Waves of crazed art students stormed Ted, Kurt, and Michael's castle. A vicious Apple fan leaped at Ted, only to have their brains splattered by Michael's shotgun. He pumped another round into the chamber as a sand wall fell. Hoshizamihirigami took up defense around the castle as Michael jumped out to valiantly defend Ted Kennedy. Kurt Cobain took it upon himself to do personal combat with Steve Jobs.

After many headshots Michael's shotgun soon ran dry, forcing him to fight hand to hand. He was clawed, punched, and beaten down as he fended off the ravenous horde. Kurt Cobain was locked in bitter combat with Steve Jobs, massive explosions sent shockwaves over the sand as the two superpowers dueled. Micheal swung the butt of his shotgun, caving in the skull of another Apple user. It was just him and Ted Kennedy against the mob. Slowly they closed in around them, their iPods blasting Coldplay into their ears. Finally, surrounding the two, they sprang and Michael was bludgeoned with metal cases and plastic screen protectors.

Lightning struck, frying people's iPods and Macbooks. "THUNDER!" Vixen screamed, sending another bolt through the crowd. People were blasted away, electrified bodies littering the beach. The crowd dispersed to make use of their extended warranties. She found Ted unharmed but Michael in his heroic struggle was now laying in the sand, blood oozing from his mouth.

"This, ends, NOW!" Kurt yelled, smiting Steve with his guitar and shattering his glasses. Steve fell in the sand, dazed. Kurt Cobain raised his shotgun and fired. The sound cracked the landscape as bright white streaks peppered Steve Job's face. When the dust settled Steve stood to his feet, a Windows logo imprinted permanently on his forehead. "Let this end your facade! Wherever you go, people will forever know that it is Microsoft that owns Apple. Let this be your punishment for forcing the hand of the almighty!"

"NO! It's not true!"

"It's been true for years, charlatan!"

Humiliated, Steve used his iPhone to teleport back to California and into his Apple lair. Vixen looked at Kurt; somewhat astonished he was really there, somewhat astonished he let his adversary flee. When she collected herself, she asked, "Why did you just let him go?"

"True power is not in subjugation or having followers, it's staying your hand when you have every reason not to. Steve will never forget what he has learned here today and in time may find atonement, but that can only come from himself."

Vixen nodded, then looked down at Michael, his bloody form almost lifeless. Ted Kennedy placed a hand on her shoulder, "There's nothing we can do. He gave his life for a most righteous cause, and for that he will be rewarded in heaven."

"CHARMELEON!" cried Hoshizamihirigami, tumbling down from the ruins of the sand castle, his despair translating to, "How dare you! He gave his life to save you, Ted! What is the point of awesome and pursuing his quest if the fates will simply abandon him when he gives forth his most noble effort?"

"I am but a judicator, if I could have done something, believe me, I would have."

"What about you, Kurt?" Vixen asked.

She turned to the rock star, who simply shook his head, "The rewards I grant are not of this world. This is the domain of mankind and in it I am but a guide." Vixen hung her head as Michael lay there, trembling for breathe. He'd given his life to defend her hero and all of mankind from exploitation. Kurt tapped her on the shoulder and handed her an iPad he picked up from the sand. It still worked, though it's battery was running low. Kurt smiled, "I said I can only guide. You don't give your kind enough credit for their own accomplishments..."

Vixen sifted through the apps and booted up iSurgeon Lite. Kurt Cobain and Ted Kennedy bid her and Hoshizamihirigami farewell as they ascended back to heaven and she conducted reconstructive surgery on Michael. Within ten minutes he was patched up and coming off the anesthesia.

"Ugh... did I die? Where am I?" Michael asked, gazing blearily at the mid day sky.

"Are you okay?" Vixen said, leaning over his nearly dead corpse.

"Everything hurts..." he said. He reached in his pocket and looked at his Droid. He had three new messages from Gary entitled "check this bitch" and realized it was almost 4pm. "FOUR PM!"

"You're ok!" Vixen cried, hugging Michael.

"Charmeleon!" Hoshizamihirigami added.

"We...are gonna miss... the ferry!" Michael said, struggling to breathe. Vixen finally let him go and in spite of his numerous not fully healed injuries he grabbed his shotgun and tore off down the beach towards the ferry port. 


	23. Chapter 23

Michael Awesomerocks stuffed Hoshizamihirigami into his pokeball as he and Vixen scrambled onto the departing ferry. While on board Mike suddenly became aware of just how close to death he was as every inch of his Apple-product-beaten body throbbed in unison. Wincing from the pain he laid back in a plastic chair in the cabin as Vixen roamed the deck, playing with her new iPad. Eventually the ferry came to dock and Michael had to pry himself off the seat and lug his tired body back home. By the time they'd hoofed it all the way back to Pallet Town it was well past dark so Michael threw Vixen some blankets and staggered up the stairs to his room.

The next morning Vixen awoke to KRS-One playing out of an old boom box at top volume. Michael, fully rejuvenated from a good night's sleep, swaggered out of the kitchen with a plate of fried chicken for breakfast and sporting a Public Enemy shirt. "Merry Nigsmas, Vixen!" he said.

"What?" she replied from the couch, still sleepy.

"It's February second, the start of the 27 Days of Nigsmas!" Mike said, taking a big bite out of a drumstick.

"Wait... what? Are you one of those racist fucks? That's the worst thing I've ever heard about Black History Month!" Vixen said with great indignation.

"Not awake for five minutes and already you're bitching. No, Nigsmas was designed to give credit to all the great black people of history and their achievements. It's about as not racist as it gets!" He went back in the kitchen and poured himself and Hoshizamihirigami some grape Kool-Aid.

"You're disgusting. And there's twenty EIGHT days in February," Vixen called, getting up with a stretch.

"Yeah I know," Mike called, "We start the celebration a day late in true black fashion." Vixen executed a face palm maneuver to avoid prolonging the argument and grudgingly accepted some watermelon for breakfast. Mike let Hoshizamihirigami back into his ball and together they headed out for Viridian City.

"It's lucky we're headed to Viridian, their gym leader is the black person of the day!" Mike said.

"I'm sorry, the what?"

"Every day during Nigsmas a new black person is honored. People learn about his relevance to history and black culture."

"I still think this is all bullshit and you're going to get yourself shot."

"Now that's racist."

"It... no it's not!" Vixen stammered.

They walked for a good hour before they started to hear the distant sound of rowdy camaraderie. The deep thud of the subwoofers shook the ground and they could feel the bass in their gut. As they neared town Cadillacs and and Lincolns lined the streets. Venders were selling Coogi jackets and Timberlands. Vixen rubbed her temples, partly sensing just how far this was going to go and partly because all the bass was starting to give her a headache.

"Hey, I recognize that car," Mike said, pointing to what could be one of thousands of Cadillacs with forty inch rims. As they got closer a gold toothed Niglet popped out of the ground.

"Shiiit if it ain't the cracka that helped me get ma mixer back from dem death metal bands," Niglet said, "And I'll be damned, you got yoself a ho!" Vixen was about to protest but at that moment Hoshizamihirigami popped out of his ball, dressed in his sideways cap and size 40 jeans in the zeitgeist of the holiday.

"Charmeleon!" he said, meaning, "Greetings! What an honor to see you again after such a long time my male Pokemon sibling."

"Wat da fuck you say to me, nigga?" Niglet replied.

"Charmeleon!" Hoshizamihirigami said, "I uhh... I mean damn nigger, what up... bitch. I didn't know you was here."

"Aww yea, I been here celebratin' an' shit. We got us some nignog left ova from Christmas an' a speech by Samuel L. Jackson comin' to us live over Nextel phones." Having said this his cell phone chirped, "Yeah, dis is Niglet, where you at? No, where you at? I know where I'm at, I'm axin' you, where you at?" The three adventurers said goodbye and left him to his conversation. Michael turned his attention to the task at hand and made his way to the gym.

"I wonder if the leader will have time to battle me before the festivities are underway..." Mike wondered aloud.

"I hope so, this is in stupefyingly bad taste," Vixen interjected.

"Your mom is in stupefyingly bad taste," Mike replied.

"OH SNAP! NO HE DIDN'T!" said several bystanders.

Michael approached the gym. This is it, he thought, the final match. He paused, mulling over all the potential this moment held. At last he opened the door and boldly stepped inside. He looked around, the gym was filled with hallways, each adorned with Brock O'Blahma paraphernalia.

"Something's wrong, Vixen, this doesn't feel right."

"Just do it so we can get out of here," she replied.

"Michael Awesomerocks! Welcome to your final gym challenge!" A familiar voice rang through the gym via loudspeaker.

"I guess we have to find the leader," Mike said. Vixen followed as he navigated the corridors. For such a complex gym it was surprisingly empty, as though it'd been shut down for quite some time. They navigated to the arena with little trouble. Mike couldn't see anyone on the other side so he waited in anticipation.

"Take your place, trainer, and we shall do battle!" the voice said. Michael was hesitant to step forward but Vixen, having lost all patience with this endeavor, stepped into the trainer's box, urging Michael to hurry up.

"VIXEN, NO! IT'S A TRAP!" Mike yelled but it was too late. A metal cage slammed down from the ceiling and heinous laughter was heard from the shadows.

"Prepare for trouble!" said a female voice.

"And make it double," said the man from the loudspeaker.

"To protect the world from devastation!"

"To unite all peoples within our nation!"

"To denounce the evils of truth and love!"

"To extend our reach to the stars above."

"Oprah!"

"Tyler!"

"Team Brocket blast off at the speed of light!"

"Surrender now o-"

"Yo, I'm really happy for you, and I'ma let you finish, but Team Galactic is the best team of all time," said Kanye West.

"Anyway..." said Tyler Perry, "It seems Mike wasn't the one caught in our trap."

"Fantastic," said Oprah Winfrey, "Whoever is in the trainer's box is the one that has to battle, it's regulation."

"What! I don't have any Pokemon!" Vixen cried.

"We know. And it's just too bad too, because if you lose you're denied a gym badge."

"Let her out and let me battle! I'm the one going for the badge!" Michael yelled.

"No no," said Tyler, "Brock O'Blahma's been watching you, Michael. He couldn't stop you in Lavender so he's going to go by the book now. With the celebrations of Nigsmas going on, who knows when I'll have free time for a rematch? So if you want to progress this is your only shot."

"You're the black person of the day? Really? Vixen, you have to win this match, if you don't I don't think I'll ever get this badge."

"But Mike, I don't have any Pokemon," Vixen said, clutching the bars of her cage.

"You twit, you ARE a Pokemon!" Oprah and Tyler flitted through the rule book and confirmed that a pokemorph could be used as a Pokemon even if it was the trainer so long as it did not go over the 6 Pokemon limit. Undaunted, they let Vixen our of her cage and she stepped into the arena.

Tyler Perry took his place and raised his pokeball, "It's time you met a real black person's Pokemon. GO! FARFETCH'D!"

Farfetch'd emerged on the arena wearing a purple and zebra-print-accented hat. It's traditional leek was adorned with a crystal tip and it wore ludicrous amounts of gold jewelry. It took a step forward and pointed it's pimp cane at Vixen.

"Vixen, it's a flying type, just toast it!" Michael called.

"That will be enough out of you," Oprah said, pulling a lever on the wall. Michael was smothered in a pile of books, all Oprah approved.

Vixen opened with a thundershock but Farfetch'd's pimp cane absorbed the energy and shot it back at her. Vixen was stunned for a moment then pursued with a double kick. Farfetch'd was too fast though and turned on her with a vicious pimp slap.

"Where ma money, bitch!" Tyler mocked from across the arena as Vixen was pimp slapped back and forth. Farfetch'd ended the assault with a powerful smack of his pimp cane. The attack knocked Vixen on her ass and with a smirk Farfetch'd swaggered around her.

"This... is ridiculous..." Vixen said, trying to stand back up but every time getting conked on the head by Farfetch'd and his pimp cane. Finally, in a fit of rage she grabbed the cane and sucker punched the Pokemon. Farfetch'd and Vixen struggled to get the cane back and while tugging back and forth the leek snapped. Vixen and Farfetch'd stood there, each holding a piece of broken pimp cane. Vixen's face turned into an evil smile as she charged a full power thunder attack.

Farfetch'd staggered back as she discharged, knocking her foe all the way back into Tyler Perry. His knocked out Pokemon in his lap, Tyler returned Farfetch'd.

"That's enough playing around, I choose you, Machoke!" Tyler yelled, throwing another pokeball. Machoke emerged on the floor, much more formidable than a Farfetch'd pimp.

"EEP! Michael, what do I do!" she called.

"I'm only half way through the pile!" Michael said, reading his way to freedom, "All these books are emotional garbage! What's their point!"

"MICHAEL!"

Machoke charged down the arena, grabbed Vixen, and threw her to the ground with a seismic toss. Vixen managed to stand again but she was knocked back down by a solid mega punch.

"Vixen, return! Go back!" Michael called, finally free from the book club insanity.

"I... can't... what... who will fight?" she said, woozy from the last blow.

"Let me handle it."

"Hold it right there!" Oprah said, "We already told you, you can't use your Pokemon!"

"Fuck my Pokemon, bitch, I'll fight this motherfucker myself."

"Hold on," Tyler said to Oprah, "I might wanna see this. Okay, Michael, get in the ring."

Michael threw off his shirt as Vixen hobbled back into the trainer's box. Michael sized up his opponent as the superpower Pokemon readied it's stance.

"Machoke, use mega punch!" Tyler commanded. Machoke charged Michael and threw a bone-shaking punch. Michael blocked it but was still knocked on his back. He got up, arms rattled and sore, waiting for the next assault. Machoke came at him again with right cross. Michael backed up but couldn't escape the Pokemon's reach. Mike got jabbed and bopped in the head and arms, barely avoiding the full impact of what were otherwise crippling blows.

Finding himself backing into a corner, Mike shifted his stance, turned to Machoke's inside, and slammed it in the kidney with a hard cross. Machoke was taken aback as Mike lay into the Pokemon's torso like a jackhammer. Every time Machoke pushed him back with a jab he'd pull right back in again with a haymaker. Mike felt a rib crack as the Pokemon started flinching with every blow. As Mike wore himself out Machoke eventually got some distance and sent Mike flying with a mega kick. Michael bounced off the gym floor and slowly got to his feet. Machoke clenched it's battered ribs with it's arm, taking a moment to recover as Michael got back in the ring.

"Machoke, finish him," Tyler said. Machoke charged Mike and sent him flying out of the arena with another mega kick. Mike hit the concrete gym wall and collapsed on the ground. Barely staying conscious he fumbled to his wobbly feet. He heard Vixen tell him to return but the ringing in his ears reflected the fogginess of his mind. The only thing he thought about was staying on his feet and winning.

Vixen begged him to stay out of the ring but it was to no avail. As he wobbled forward a deafening chirp was heard outside. Every cell phone in the entire city went off at once and the voice of Samuel L. Jackson echoed through the halls, "I would now like to introduce our first black person of the day, Viridian City's gym leader, Will Smith, returning from his three month trip to save suffering African children!"

As this was said the roof of the gym opened and a harrier jet, piloted by Will Smith, landed in the middle of the arena. The Fresh Prince theme song blasted through the masses of cell phones as he exited and waved to the cameras lining the wall. He then noticed Vixen and Michael collapsing from travail, and pointed his gaze at Oprah and Tyler.

"You! What is the meaning of this! I banished you from this gym long ago!" Will bellowed.

"Brock O'Blahma doesn't heed the words of upstarts or clean rappers!" Tyler hissed.

"Brock has his own gym, I took this one in a fair game of one-on-one. Begone from my domain, and tell your master he has no right to set foot in this city again!"

"Never! Machoke, attack!" Will Smith put on his sunglasses and plastered Machoke, sending it flying back into Oprah and Tyler, knocking them out of the gym in a cartoonish fashion.

"Team Brocket's blasting off again!" they cried.

Michael and Vixen were both on their last legs, unable to get up the energy to greet Mr. Smith. Instead they stood with mouths agape in his awe inspiring presence. A crowd gathered around the arena as Will turned to the suffering contenders. "I'm sorry this happened. Ever since I defeated Brock O'Blahma he's hated me and all truly awesome black people."

"It's... okay Will... I just wish it wasn't all for nothing," Michael said, taking a seat on the floor as exhaustion kicked in.

"Hmm... well it's still possible. This being Nigsmas the Minister of the Pokemon League is in town."

"Who?"

"Oh god, no," Vixen said, her ears lowered.

The crowd parted as someone made their way towards the arena. The chortle of crazyness heralded the approach of the Minister of the Pokemon League, Bill Cosby.

"Dr. Cosby," Will inquired, "would it be possible to award a badge to this young man for defending the title of the gym?"

Bill Cosby looked Mike over, "After a display like that, with his hippin' and a hoppin' and a bippin' and a boppin'!"

"I know it's a stretch but I feel he's earned it."

"I don't think you know what the JAZZ is all about, Will! Ya see, this isn't just about handing over a badge all willy-nilly, this is POKEMON! There are laws to consider!"

"Technically, Dr. Cosby, I think the acting gym leader was defeated. I don't see Tyler Perry around anymore, do you?"

Bill Cosby gave Will Smith a hard look but conceded the point, "Very well, but if he dies on the Victory Road it will be on your head!" Bill Cosby pulled an Earth Badge from his pocket and handed it to Mike.

"Wait... what was that about Victory Road?" Mike said, looking at his gym badge.

"Exactly. I don't think you have even the faintest idea just how daunting this is," Bill Cosby replied cooly, "Far be it from me, the Minister of the Pokemon League, to know a little something about the POKE and the MON."

"Don't pay attention to him," Will said, handing Vixen and Mike each a cup of Kool-Aid, "I'm sure you'll do fine on the Road."

Michael and Vixen looked at each other, then looked at Bill Cosby who was still shaking his head, "It's gonna be their goddamn funeral."

Mike and Vixen spent the rest of the day learning about the famous exploits of Will Smith, from his adventures in Philadelphia to his saving the rainforests from ravenous hordes of angry beavers. There was rap to be heard, white people to criticize, and chicken to be eaten. As the day turned into night though the sickening feeling of what was to come caused Mike to lose his head. He didn't mention a word of it to Vixen though. When he turned in that night he couldn't help but just lay awake in his bed, rubbing his aching arms and scared stiff that this was just the tip of the iceberg. 


	24. Chapter 24

I am just a pokemorph though my story's seldom told,  
I have squandered my whole future for an internship; job and some college credits,  
All lies and jest,  
Still a girl hears what she wants to hear,  
And disregards the rest.

When I left my home and time and space,  
I was no more than a ghost,  
On a mission of goodwill,  
When I met a man who couldn't even keep his feet,  
Drunkenly, he staggered through the lessons that I was forced to show,  
Looking for the awesome only he could know.

Asking only for acceptance, I went looking for a friend, But I got no offers,  
Just a lecture from a put off man in uniform,  
I do declare, at this time when I was so lonesome,  
I wished Michael was there.

Now the days are rolling by me, they are rocking evenly,  
I am older than I once was,  
But older than I'll be it's quite unusual,  
But it isn't strange; after being flung through time and space I will never be the same,  
After Michael I will never be the same.

And I'm laying on a sofa bed and wishing I was gone, Going home,  
Where the Pokemon League trials aren't bleeding me,  
Leading me,  
Going home.

In the upstairs there lays Michael,  
Still a trainer by his trade,  
Though he trembles from reminders of everything that's laid him down or cut him,  
'Til he cried out in his anger and his shame,  
"I am leaving, I am leaving!"  
But the trainer still remains.

"VIXEN! Stop monologuing!" Michael yelled from upstairs.

"You said do some kind of boxer monologue, that's all I could think of!" Vixen shouted back.

"I said a Rocky training montage!"

"What's the difference?"

Scenery flashed by as catchy 80s music played. Michael scaled a mountain to Hearts On Fire, his Pokemon pumped iron and did ridiculous workouts like cutting timber, throwing said timber in a wagon, and running on a beach to Eye of the Tiger. Vixen was hooked up to crazy Soviet machinery, working through the Soviet training program to Animal I Have Become. Days later the entire lot of them were fighting fit.

"GARRRRRYYYYYY!" Michael screamed from the peak of the furniture.

"Mike, shut up. Do you have any idea how fucking tired I am?" Vixen bitched from the couch, still in her CCCP workout clothes, nursing a water bottle. Michael turned around, his Pokemon were all a lot stronger but it was obvious they were about to pass out.

"Okay everyone, take a break." Michael's Pokemon jumped in their balls as Vixen let out a sigh of relief. Mike was pretty tired himself but was still feeling a runner's buzz. He looked at his Droid, sometime between losing the Soviets in the snow and running with a log on his back he must have lost track of the days.

"Huh, I must have spaced getting a girlfriend this year," he thought aloud.

"What are you talking about?" Vixen asked.

"Valentine's is coming, I gotta get hooked up."

Vixen turned to him, "Wait, you're just gonna wander around town and get a girlfriend?"

"Pretty much."

"Right, good luck with that Mr. Awesomerocks."

"At least I won't be spending Valentine's alone," he smirked.

"Single's Awareness Day is a very popular holiday in the future I'll have you know," Vixen replied.

Mike snickered, "All things considered, I'm sure it is."

"And what's that supposed to mean?"

"It means you don't have a clue how to get a date."

"Oh please, Mike," Vixen scoffed, "I could get more tail in one night than you could in a month."

"You think so? Alright then," Mike pulled out his cell phone, "it's about noon, the person with the most phone numbers by midnight wins."

"Really, you want to play this game?"

"Yes, you gonna put up or shut up."

Vixen rolled her eyes, "Fine, you're on."

"Sweet!" Mike said and trotted up the stairs. He may absolutely ooze awesome, but Mike knew the key to scoring a top notch babe was in presentation. He showered, fixed his hair, and changed his clothes. A band shirt and straight jeans may be fine for every day adventuring but this was Nigsmas, precautions were needed. He threw on an enormous shirt featuring Tom and Jerry in gangster garb, completely sequined out. He wore baggy jeans over his boxers, making sure his underwear showed, and threw on some Timberlands. Finally, he grabbed his favorite hat and cocked it sideways. The look was perfect. Next he grabbed his cologne. If he was black he'd wear half a bottle, but no matter how hard he prayed every day he woke up a white skinned devil. Alas, it was a splash in the hand and a pat on each side. He threw on some shades and a gold chain, it was bitch getting time.

Vixen on the other hand was trying something a little different. Forced to take a cold shower after Mike stole all the hot water and being deprived a girl's usual menagerie of cosmetics she was left with a head start in time but was behind in wardrobe. Making do she grabbed a low top, some tight fitting jeans that showed off her already good but now slightly more pronounced post-training ass, and an enormous handbag. With this she took off for the local mall, it was way too early for bars or parties.

Mike drove his Escalade back to Viridian City, stereo blasting. As he rolled in the city was busting with parties. He pulled over into a group of white onlookers and opened the gate of the SUV, revealing the entire booming stereo system. White people started dancing like idiots which let Mike stand by his car and look somehow more attractive by not dancing. A Coogi vender rolled by, being pushed by a fox. Mike stopped her and tried on a puffy jacket, asking the chick for an opinion.

"Mm mm, no you definitely need the black with gold trim, not the other way around," she said.

"Know what, I think you're right," Mike said, putting the jacket back on the rack, "I mean black, it matches my car."

"Dayum, that's yours?"

"Like it? Just got dem spinners."

"Oh yeah," she wrote up a receipt and handed it to him. She winked at him before moving on. Mike checked the receipt, on the back was her name, number, and when she got off.

The mall in Viridian was completely packed. It was so different from any shopping experience she had during the future. All the stores had things like sales and products made in China and they weren't all somehow related. Completely bewildered Vixen wandered into a Hollister. The light was low, the clothes were tacky, and the smell made her nauseous. After seeing the overpriced merchandise in the women's section she hung out by the counter looking at the CDs. At this point a wild bro appeared, somewhat intoxicated by beer and somewhat intoxicated by the terrible smell of the store. He wasn't bad looking, so Vixen figured why not. She glanced over at him, when their eyes met she crouched down to pick out some music, strategically showing off her cleavage. The selection was pretty good so she grabbed a cd.

"Yeah, Ke$ha's latest album is tight," said the bro.

Vixen smiled, leaning on the counter, popping that ass. It was super effective. The bro started talking about how gay stuff was as Vixen just acted dumb and fascinated at the same time. When they were both checked out the bro tactfully ended with asking for her number. She put it in his phone and left the Hollister, stuffing the brain that was dripping out her ear back in.

Day was turning into night and Mike was working his magic from block party to block party. Feeling he had a pretty good lead he decided to chill out after getting his twentieth number or so. With some beers in hand he wandered the parties, watched other white people make asses of themselves in the presence of black people, and watched a public screening of Notorious. It was at this point Mike realized he was starting to get drunk and tried to level off the booze intake, but between the beer fueled laser pointer fights at the movie and the weed filled black & milds he was on the Thailand Express to intoxication station.

As Vixen wandered the streets she found herself with only a few numbers. Disappointed in herself she found the closest party, of which there were many, and tried to get over it. A dude found her standing without a drink in her hand and immediately passed her a Smirnoff Ice. "Uh, thanks," she said, looking over the incredibly drunk man.

"Hey, it's Nigsmas, you gotta like chill out!" he said, words just beginning to slur together.

"Yeah, I guess so."

"Aw don't gimme that. Where's yer boyfriend at I'm sure he's having a kickass time."

"I don't have one."

"You're bullshitting me," the dude went on to hit on Vixen for the duration of her drink. It took no time at all for her to figure out the formula, for every drink she had she got a number. The problem was she was getting pretty drunk and pretty fast. The last thing she wanted was to end up going home with one of these cretins. The trouble is the more drunk you are the less drunk you think you are, so she played this cats game well into the night.

Mike staggered through the door just a little past midnight. He was totally smashed so he didn't even bother trying to drive home. With some difficulty he managed to undress, discard his smokey and reeking clothing, and shower off. He put on some fresh boxers and a t-shirt then stumbled downstairs to the couch to wait for Vixen. It'd been a long day, between the hard workout and the parties and the booze, Mike was toast. As 12:14 turned into 12:21 he was fast asleep.

Vixen didn't stop partying until some time later. Being quite drunk she'd lent herself a little more than she intended to the folks at the party and someone ended up trying to take advantage of her. Fortunately she was no helpless victim, especially having gone through an extensive training montage and commanding 10,000 volts. While the bloke left with his pride and his face and his kidneys wounded Vixen had in the process spilled her drink on her shirt. This was not very becoming and even though she was three sheets to the wind she knew it was time to go home.

With her enormous bag full of various bottles and nick-nacks in hand she walked through the door, threw off her clothes, and stood in front of a hot shower for about an hour. She put on a fresh pair of undergarments and a comfy top before trudging downstairs, falling asleep before she even hit the couch. 


	25. Chapter 25

Mike woke up to the early afternoon sun beaming through the window of his bedroom. Groggy from the night before he glanced down to see Vixen passed out, her head resting on his chest. He let out a sigh as he gazed at her with bleary eyes, his brain trying to kick-start and piece together how he got there. As he stirred Vixen's eyes eased open. She stared blankly at him, looking ill.

"Good morning," Mike said, stretching.

"Uhh... I feel sick... why am I in your bed! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!" Vixen shrieked.

"You were drunker than I thought," Mike replied, removing a half empty bottle of Captain Morgan from under his bum.

"You... you... we didn't..." Vixen grabbed at the sheets, realizing she was still naked.

"Yeah, we did. Twice."

She began to hyperventilate, "I don't believe this... you fucking raped me!"

"No I didn't, you raped me... kind of."

"What! No! I was drunk and you took advantage of me! You... YOU FUCKING PIG!" Vixen threw an empty bottle at him.

"Then why am I the one HANDCUFFED TO THE BED!" Mike yelled as the glass bottle struck him in his tender region.

"I... umm..."

"ANSWER ME THAT!"

"I don't know! But I know this wasn't my idea!"

"Oh yeah? Then why are you still holding on to that strap-on!" Mike said, gesturing to the toy beside her.

"EWWW! I hate strap ons!" she screamed, smacking it away like a vermin, "where did that thing come from!"

"Don't look at me!" Mike said.

"Oh my god... oh my GOD HOW DID THIS HAPPEN!" Vixen cried.

Mike rubbed his forehead for a moment and thought, "I remember getting up from the couch and coming upstairs to wee. I think I might have woken you up when I did. When I was done I decided to just crash on my bed. I fell asleep... and then it just kinda fades in and out. I remember you came in... and the handcuffs... and some of the first round but after that it's pretty much blank."

"I don't believe it. This is some sort of joke." Vixen got up and put her clothes back on. She opened the door only to find Mike's mom standing there.

"You two kept us up until the crack of dawn last night, what the hell is wrong with you! And where is the olive oil!" Mrs. Awesomerocks said.

"I think it's by the dresser," Mike replied from the bed. His mom retrieved it and went back downstairs. Vixen just stood there, stunned. "Can you uncuff me please?" Mike asked.

"No," Vixen replied and left to shower off the stench of-well there were various stenches. Her fur was matted with things she didn't really want to investigate so she scrubbed up several times and dried off. After finding fresh clothes and ignoring Michael's wails she grabbed something to eat which immediately calmed her stomach. Trying to get herself back together she sat down on the computer to mess around with facebook. When she logged in she found several dozen messages regarding pictures and comments she made the night before:

"Girl, I didn't know you could stretch that far!"

"Oh yeah I love yo style! That dude had his world rocked!"

"Haha I told you that Mike dude was into you! Just had to try harder!"

She moved on to her photo album, gagged on her pop tart, and quickly closed the window. "VIXEN!" Mike hollered from upstairs. She tentatively walked back into the room. "Your phone is ringing! Now undo these handcuffs!"

"Hold on," said Vixen as she answered the phone.

"WOO! Wassup yo! That was a sick party huh!"

"Who is this?" Vixen asked.

"Yo, it's me, Jerry! Remember we like, totally hit it off and I was wondering if you wanted to come to my party tonight!"

"No thanks, Jerry, I have my hands full."

"What? Oh come on it'll be awesome!"

"NO!" Vixen hung up the phone.

"Vixen, get me free or I'm gonna have Hoshizamihirigami do it and then I'm gonna kick your ass," Mike said, rather pissed now.

"Would you shut up, I don't even know where the keys are."

Mike gestured towards the vibrator on the floor. It was covered in lube and around it were the keys, "You said I had to tease my way to freedom and that if I could unlock myself with it I could get-"

"STOP!" Vixen cried. With a disgusted "eww" she picked the keys up in two fingers and undid Mike. Grateful, Mike threw his pants on and ran into the bathroom for a much needed wee and shower. When he emerged he found Vixen downstairs, talking on the phone again.

"No, I don't know a Larry. No, I don't want to go to a party!" She hung up angrily.

"Hey, at least you didn't give your number to Gary," Mike said.

"Shut up, Michael. This is fucking humiliating."

Mike leaned over the couch, "No it's not, I remember this one time I was at a party and got so drunk I nearly passed out. I remember being driven around by this fat chick. Turns out she took me home and apparently raped with me while I was smashed. Now that's humiliating."

"This isn't just another sexploit to me. I've only ever had sex once and that was in high school."

"Getting some last night should be a good thing then. Besides, I thought getting laid was the whole point of our little contest anyway."

"No, I just wanted to... I dunno."

"Be a tease? At least you didn't go home with one of those crazies from the party."

"I just wanna be left alone..."

"I understand," Mike said, "but TOO BAD because today is the day I forge my way over hill and dale and get to Victory Road!"

"Ugh... weren't you going to postpone that until after Valentine's day?" Vixen said, slouching in defeat.

"Yes, but I'd rather get going now if you're gonna be all awkward and confrontational." With this Mike grabbed his stuff and scooped up his Pokemon. Vixen halfheartedly followed him out to discover a wrecked Lamborghini in the driveway. Mike stared at the busted up car, "Just what the fuck did you do last night?"

Vixen shook her head but then noticed movement inside the car. A bewildered head popped out the window, "YO! MIKE! It's me, Terry!"

"Gary! What are you doing here!" Mike asked.

"Haha I was totally drunk last night, bro. I was about to bang this chick but I fuckin' crashed my Lambo! Oh man, dude! There she is!" he said. Mike looked at Vixen, he could tell she was blushing despite being covered head to toe with yellow fur.

"How in the hell did you two meet?" Mike asked her.

"I dunno bro, but I totally dodged a bullet with that one. I mean DAYUM! I musta been fucked UP last night!" Gary replied for her.

"Okay, well, we've gotta get going. See you, Gary."

"WAIT UP, BRAH!" Gary said, looking at his cell phone. He jumped out of the car and grabbed Mike, shoving his cell phone in his face. Mike took one look and his face went into a spasm.

"VIXEN!" he screamed.

"What!" she replied. Mike grabbed the phone and shoved it in her face, "OH MY GOD! How the fuck did you get those!"

"Haha, you sent them to me after the party," Gary said, "guess you two had fun last night. Whoa, Mike your standards must have dropped or something, bro, this is almost as bad as that girl you were in the car with that one time! Remember, in the snow? Oh wait... never mind."

"Vixen, how many people did you send these to!" Mike said, still gawking at the picture messages.

"I dunno bro, but that forward list is hella long," Gary replied, "It's like, all over Indigo Plateau. Oh! What're you doing the rest of the day, brah?"

Mike's attention was torn away from the phone for a moment, "Umm, well we were going to-"

"GREAT! I'd love to hang out! Lemme just get my dad to get a tow truck out here."

It was an arduous day as Gary got them up to speed on his sex life. Mike never imagined so many chicks could be banged within a lifetime, let alone a few weeks. Vixen was rather horrified at the number of STIs the man must be carrying. Gary spent such a long time telling his life's story that it wasn't until the sun was setting that he even began to enlighten them of the previous night in thrilling detail.

"...And then I said 'far out, it's a tree!' and crashed! Your girlfriend was okay though, bro, don't worry haha."

Michael and Vixen were by this point quite annoyed. It was past dark and although listening to Gary had filled in several gaps, including the appearance of the various sex toys (Vixen apparently attended a swingers party), it was clear there was nothing else to learn.

"You know, Gary," Mike said, "they're still partying down in Viridian."

"Yeah I know, dude. That reminds me, I'm starting to sober up, I guess I'll catch you later, bro. Peace!" With that he left and both Michael and Vixen breathed a sigh of relief.

"That was one insane night you had last night," Mike said.

"Yeah," she said, "I can't believe I did all that..."

"I can't believe you don't remember it," Mike replied.

"Tell me... was I any good?"

"What?"

"Last night, I'd like to think I didn't suck."

"Well I could tell you..." Mike said thoughtfully, "or I could show you."

CHAPTER CUTS OFF HERE! 


	26. Chapter 26

When we last left Michael Awesomerocks, he had proposed to demonstrate the previous night's sexual relations to Vixen.

"Umm no... how about you just tell me," Vixen said to Mike.

"Fine then. You were horrible," he replied.

"...wait what?"

"Drunk sex is bad sex, Vixen, take it from the master."

Vixen was filled with indignation, "Well YOU seemed to enjoy it!"

"That's because bad sex is still better than no sex, learn the hierarchy." Mike reached into the ceiling and pulled down a projector screen. He then hit a button on his laser pointer and a powerpoint presentation began.

"This is the sex hierarchy," Mike said, motioning to an ascending scale with various sexploits written on it. "It goes from 'rape', here at the bottom, to 'twin sister supermodel threesome' at the top. If you'll note, 'no sex' is right in between 'gay amateur porno shoot' and 'bbw', whereas 'drunk sex' is over here, above 'hand jobs.'"

"Alright," Vixen replied, wondering why Michael kept a projector screen in his living room ceiling.

"Good, now to make the most out of Valentine's Day," Mike looked over the graph, "Hmm... I don't think we could get as high as 'girls mud wrestling...' but definitely on the second tier, maybe erotic role reversal?"

"I'm not having sex with you," Vixen said, crossing her arms.

"Funny, I coulda sworn I said the same thing last night only to end up chained to the bed," Michael said, scrolling through the powerpoint slides.

"You could have stopped it if you wanted..."

"Yeah, but I didn't."

"Why?"

Michael flipped up the screen and turned to Vixen, the light projecting a technical diagram of a penis on his shirt, "Because, Vixen, I wanted to. I wanted to get fucked by the only girl I've ever dared to care about. Yeah, it was sloppy and really strange, and yeah I've porked plenty of chicks, but I still wouldn't have traded last night for any of them."

Vixen was stunned, "...really?"

"Yes, it was easily the happiest I've been this entire journey."

"This is a side of you I've never seen before..."

"Yes, and if you breathe a word of it to Gary or anyone else I'll knock your teeth down your throat."

"Aaand he's back," Vixen muttered.

"MICHAEL! WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT THREATENING DOMESTIC VIOLENCE BEFORE DINNER!" Came a bellow from the upstairs.

"I KNOW, MOM! Jesus Christ..." Mike said.

Suddenly, Radar O'Reilly burst into the room and yelled, "CHOPPERS!" before disappearing again.

Mike was blown to the ground, a volley of rockets had decimated the front of the house. He rolled over and covered his eyes as spotlights from a dozen helicopters focused on him. A voice on a loudspeaker thundered over the whirling blades and commanded, "Target sighted, apprehend at all costs!" Armed men rushed in and took Michael kicking and screaming. Vixen could only watch in horror as he was beaten unconscious and dragged aboard a helicopter.

Vixen grabbed Michael's pokeballs and let his team out. She turned to his Charmeleon, "Hoshizamihirigami, we need help! Michael's being kidnapped!"

"Charmeleon!" Hoshizamihirigami said, then jumped on the computer.

"THIS ISN'T THE TIME TO BE ON 4CHAN!" Vixen cried. She joined Michael's other Pokemon in their attempt to stop the kidnapping but they were overwhelmed by superior firepower. The helicopter with Michael aboard flew out of sight as the remaining forces continued the attack. Vixen took shelter behind some rubble as Hoshizamihirigami, having finally gotten off the internet, stemmed the tide of soldiers with a fire spin. Then without warning, one of the helicopters exploded, raining debris across Mike's front yard.

Above them, silent and ominous as a storm cloud, was Ron Paul's airship. In the gleam of it's massive searchlights shown the black and red logo of Team Brocket on the helicopters. Missiles erupted from it's starboard side, striking the choppers down like the hand of god. As the last of Team Brocket's forces fell Vixen and Mike's Pokemon were enveloped in a blue light. With a flash they found themselves on the bridge of the airship.

Ron Paul stood looking out a massive window on the front of the craft, the engines droning in the background. "I understand Michael Awesomerocks has been kidnapped," he spoke calmly, "normally I don't meddle in the affairs of Brock O'Blahma, he and I have respected our boundaries, but this time he has gone too far."

"Not that I don't appreciate the help, Dr. Paul, but why do you care about Michael?" Vixen asked.

"Viridian gym was one of numerous targets Team Brocket attacked. All the gyms across Kanto were sacked except that one, the one you and Michael defended. Even as we speak Brock's mounting an assault on Indigo Plateau. So far the Elite Four and Gary Oak have put up a stiff resistance when needed but we can't expect that to continue for long. Michael is a strong trainer, possibly even as strong as the current Pokemon champion, we cannot afford to lose such a valuable ally."

"Wait a minute..." Vixen said, recalling her survey history course from freshmen year, "I remember learning about this battle! This is where Brock O'Blahma defeats the most powerful trainers and takes over the world!"

"A future I hope I don't live to see," Ron Paul said knowingly.

The helicopter landed at an enormous fortress in the mountains. Michael was dragged inside the structure, the blood oozing from his mouth leaving a trail. As he passed through the many corridors he was slammed and jostled against every wall. Finally he was thrown onto the hard cement floor of a containment room. He staggered around and found he was alone in the metal cell. Echoing along the steel walls was the grating sound of other prisoners being tortured. For hours he endured this sound, sitting alone in the cold, tiny cell, his body aching and bruised. Just as he'd nearly drowned out the sound of the pain with the dull thud of his own pulse in his throbbing head the cell door opened. Harsh florescent light blinded him as an unknown figure grabbed him and dragged him down the hall. He was next.

The airship cruised over Victory Road. In the distance was the legendary Indigo Plateau, and looming before it was the massive fortress of Brock O'Blahma. Sentry towers and patrols filled the landscape before Vixen as she looked out the window.

"Don't worry, they can't detect us from here," Ron Paul said.

"Are you sure?" Vixen said, nervous at the sight of so many soldiers.

"Yes, positive."

Searchlights popped on and combed the sky. Sirens blared and anti-air cannons fired, their shells bursting all around the vessel.

"Damn it!" Ron Paul said, grabbing an intercom, "Engage the blast shields and take us in fast!"

Plate metal slammed shut over the windows. The entire airship was encased as cannons and missiles pockmarked it's shell. Jet engines lining he ship went full throttle, the piercing wail rattling the ship. The main screen on the bridge showed they were headed straight for the main gate of Brock O'Blahma's lair.

Cutting it's way through enemy fire the airship's protective case took heavy damage. Pieces of steel were being blasted off as they careened headlong into enemy fire. "Activate anchors one and two on my mark," Ron Paul said over the intercom. The fortress grew closer, it looked as though they would crash.

"Hold on to something, this is going to be rough," he warned. Explosions rocked the vessel as they flew right on top of the fortress, "MARK!" Two massive chained steel anchors burst from the rear of the hull, smashing through the top of the fort and grinding along it's interior leaving enormous gashes in the fortress. The breach was successful.

Michael's arms and legs were chained apart as he was left immobile in the interrogation room. "Mr. Awesomerocks, since you refuse to talk you give us few alternatives," said an unseen man next to a switchboard. Below Mike emerged the most horrid device he'd ever seen; a spring loaded paddle. "This little devil we stole from a Japanese game show, now, what is your involvement with Will Smith?"

"Go to hell," Mike replied. The paddle unsprung and smacked him in the nuts, "GOD DAMN IT!"

"Perhaps you didn't hear me, what is your involvement with Will Smith and the insurgency at the Viridian Gym?"

"I said fuck off!" Mike said, wincing from the pain. Again the paddle whacked him in the gonads. "SON of a BITCH!"

Vixen snuck into the fortress as Ron Paul, Hoshizamihirigami, the rest of Mike's Pokemon, and the internet bear cavalry fended off wave after wave of Team Brocket members. With all the commotion outside she snuck down to the lower levels. Through the metal halls she heard the unmistakable sound of Mike's anguish, "OW MY BALLS!"

Vixen ran down the hall, turned a corner, and found the man pressing the button to control the foul contraption was none other than Brock O'Blahma himself. She didn't waste any time fooling around. With a thunder wave and a spear tackle she wrestled the keys from Brock's business suit.

"How dare you! After all I've worked for, I won't allow you to stop me!" he yelled.

Vixen undid Michael's restraints. Mike let out a thankful moan before collapsing to the floor. "Okay, fuck it," Brock said, reaching into his suit and pulling out a 9mm Beretta. A shot reverberated through the metal halls as Vixen fell to her knees next to Mike, grasping her side. Though still wincing in pain Mike found new vigor in absolute rage. He jumped to his feet and stared down the barrel of O'Blahma's gun, just inches from his face.

"What're you gonna do, Mike? Go all Dragonball Z on me? Call Mr. T on your iPhone? Blow me away with a shotgun uzi?" Mike didn't say anything, he just stood there staring him down. O'Blahma smiled, he inched the gun closer to Mike's face. Mike's body bristled with intensity. He waited, his hands open and unarmed. The metal grazed his skin. In one swift movement he snapped his head to the side and grasped O'Blahma's hand. Brock struggled against him, squeezing off several rounds on the process. The bullets ricocheted off the metal walls. One struck Mike in the leg, another hit O'Blahma in the arm, causing him to drop his gun.

Vixen was on her feet, wounded but still able to fight. Mike held Brock as she charged an attack. Shaking with pain and rage Vixen smashed Brock in the stomach with a thunder punch, causing him to shit his pants and fly through the air. "TEAM BROCKET'S BLASTING OFF-"

"Oh hell no, not this time!" Mike said, holding on to Brock and grabbing Vixen. The three of them hurtled out of the fortress and through the air, far above the mountain range. Brock struggled his way free but in doing so ended up plummeting to the jagged rocks below. Vixen and Mike were lost in the cloudy mountain air, sure that this would be their doom.

They landed, but not on jagged rocks. They hit soft earth and rolled through a grassy field. Mike opened his eyes and saw before him the majestic Indigo Plateau, it's marble spires and painted fields glowing in the moonlight. A tear of joy came to his eye; this was it, the last leg of his journey. Vixen limped over and collapsed next to him to take in the scenery. For a few minutes they laid there in silence. Off in the distance the vague sound of gunfire ceased and Ron Paul's flag was raised above the demolished fortress.

Mike's brilliant insight lent itself to the situation, "My leg hurts."

"My side hurts," Vixen replied.

"My balls hurt."

"My head hurts."

"Mine too."

Vixen leaned against Michael, using him as a pillow. He absently ran his fingers through her silky blonde neck scruff. He laid his head back and started drifting off, gazing at the stars in the night sky.

"Happy Valentine's Day," he muttered, pulling Vixen closer.

"Happy Valentine's..." she replied, drifting off. 


	27. Chapter 27

Michael Awesomerocks opened his eyes. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and he had a hot chick laying on him. Despite crippling injury he was feeling pretty good. Even his Pokemon had managed to make it to the Plateau and were neatly piled on each other by the enormous entrance to the Pokemon League. Mike could feel his old spirit returning to him. With flair and poise he rose from the ground and dramatically pointed at the building.

"TODAY! I shall become champion!" he proclaimed.

"Ugh... Michael, what are you doing?" Vixen asked, picking grass out of her fur.

"I'm stating the obvious, now let's go!" Mike hobbled over to his Pokemon, woke them up, and put them back in their pokeballs. He looked back to see Vixen taking her sweet time, "God damn it, woman, I don't wanna die of old age before the day is over!"

"That doesn't even make sense!" Vixen replied, limping from the gunshot wound.

"Your mom doesn't make sense, come on!" Mike rushed through the door and entered a sizable facility that seemed to be a Pokemon Center and pokemart combined. He dropped his Pokemon off to get healed as he looked over the stuff for sale at the mart. All of it was top of the line, very expensive. Sizing up the selection, Mike asked the clerk about the details of the Full Restore.

"Well," the clerk said, "In 2005 an American F-18 was shot down. Instead of crashing into the ocean it crashed into a secret Iraqi weapons lab-"

"Wait, Iraq had a weapons lab!" Mike gasped.

"Yes, complete with 15 year old anthrax. As it turns out anthrax isn't very useful after a few years, but it does become highly volatile. The explosion was so great it caused hurricane Katrina. The jet, with the pilot still in it, was launched into the stratosphere where it was subjected to space radiation for several minutes before crashing again into a holding pen of wild tigers. These tigers ate all the wreckage, including the black box of the jet. The CIA ended up having to kill the tigers to scavenge the tape and dumped the corpses in an orange grove in Florida where they decomposed. The oranges from that very grove were harvested, juiced, and packaged into Full Restore."

"You're bullshitting me," Mike said.

"Yeah, I am. There's no orange juice in it."

"I'LL TAKE EIGHT!" Mike slapped a wad of cash on the counter. The clerk handed him the bottles, the glowing liquid inside still containing tiger stripes.

"Michael, what did you just buy?" Vixen asked, finally deciding to get her ass inside.

"VIXEN! It's about time you got your ass in here, this is tiger fighter jet juice."

"No, that's really expensive and really potent Pokemon medicine. You better be careful with that stuff."

"Here, have one!" Mike said, handing her a bottle. He then chugged one himself.

"Mike, I don't think this is safe for humans!"

"Well you're half Pokemon so it's all goo- OH MY GOD!" Mike twitched and fidgeted as his wounds healed before their eyes.

"Kicks like a mule, don't it?" the clerk said.

"VIXEN, YOU HAVE TO TRY THIS!" Mike said to his companion.

"I... I dunno," Vixen said, holding her wound and looking at Michael's crazed look.

"Trust me, it's fantastic," Mike said, his composure betrayed by his eyes fanatically twitching.

"Umm... ok." Vixen drank the bottle, "Mm... orange... OH MY GOD! MIKE, I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!" she said, her fur standing on end.

"I KNOW, RIGHT! HE SAID THERE WERE NO ORANGES!"

"Did I say oranges? I meant cocaine," the clerk corrected himself.

"NO! I MEAN THIS FEELING!" Vixen shouted.

"OH YEAH, IT'S PRETTY RADICAL!" Michael shrieked in response.

"Excuse me, sir, your Pokemon are fully healed!" said the nurse behind the other counter.

"I'LL BE THE JUDGE OF THAT!" Mike said, grabbing his pokeballs and shoving them against his face. Upon close inspection they were indeed fully healed.

"MIKE, LET'S GO!" Vixen called from the top of the stairs while jogging in place. Mike hurried after her as they ran through the massive hall to the first of the Elite Four.

The door slammed shut behind them as they ran into the first room. It was freezing cold inside and a chilly wind blew through the massive fans and vents in the ceiling. The arena was set on a frozen floating platform surrounded by a sea of icy water. On the far end stood Mike's first challenge, Lorelei.

"IT'S COVERED IN ICE! IT'S JUST LIKE ICELAND, BUT WITHOUT THE LAND!" Mike said, taking a moment to mention a subtle observation of their staging area.

"WHAT DO YOU THINK THAT MEANS!" Vixen asked, her fur bristling with electricity as her tail swished frantically.

"I THINK IT MEANS PROG METAL!" Michael couldn't have been more right as Stratovarius emerged from behind a glacier, floating on a block of ice. The keyboard choruses and epic guitar wailing set the mood as Mike and Lorelei entered the arena.

"Michael Awesomerocks, are you prepared to face the unstoppable power of ice?" Lorelei asked.

"MIKE, SAY YES!" Vixen shouted, not ten feet from her companion.

"YES!" Mike replied.

"I AM HUNTING HIGH AND LOOOW!" Stratovarius sung.

"Then it's time," Lorelei said, summoning her Dewgong.

"GO SNORLAX!"

Snorlax emerged, awesome as ever.

"Dewgong, use aurora beam!"

A psychedelic beam of color blasted out of the mouth of the enemy Dewgong. It was stronger than a gym leader, but Mike had made a wise choice. Snorlax's flubbery fat insulated him from most of the freezing damage.

"SNORLAX, RESPOND QUICKLY WITH A TAKEDOWN!"

Snorlax careened into the Dewgong, knocking it flying off the slippery arena and sending it into the water below. It was beaten up but still had some fight in it.

"Dewgong, use blizzard!" Lorelei commanded.

"SNORLAX, HYPERBEAM!" Michael shouted.

"DIIIIVE DEEPER IN TO THE OCEAN..." Stratovarious wailed.

The entire arena was whited out as Dewgong's attack enshrouded it in flying ice. Out the fog the unmistakable sound of a hyperbeam echoed through the arena. In moments the air cleared. Snorlax stood on the arena floor, almost unscathed. Dewgong was passed out, floating in the water below.

"Return, Dewgong," Lorelei said, "This match is just beginning, Michael. I choose you, Lapras!"

Michael decided it would be best to conserve his better Pokemon for later, so he returned Snorlax. He produced another ball and shouted, "GO! SCYT-"

"NO MIKE I'MA GO!" Vixen said, rushing onto the arena.

"VIXEN, WAIT!"

"THUNDER!" Vixen put all her energy into nuking Lapras. Unfortunately she forgot that they were standing on solid ice floating in water. Lapras, Mike, Lorelei, and Stratovarious were all completely fried by the attack. Undeterred, Vixen picked Mike up and hauled him into the next room where Bruno waited.

The next arena was dry and barren save for a few sizable rocks in the landscape. The floor was made of hard packed dirt. At the other side of the arena Bruno waited, a pokeball clenched in his huge fist.

"HOO HA!" Bruno shouted.

"MIKE! GET UP! I'M NO GOOD AGAINST GROUND YOU NEED TO CHOOSE A POKEMON!" Vixen said in alarm.

"WELL I'M KIND OF CRISPY NOW THANKS A LOT!" Mike was right, he was somewhat burnt on the edges, "GO HOSHIZA-"

"WAIT! Use Cubone."

"WHAT! Why Cubone?"

"JUST DO IT!"

"Fine." Mike threw out Cubone. Vixen may have been on to something. Using a ground Pokemon could mean a home field advantage what with the dusty, boulder-ridden arena but Mike hadn't finished Cubone's training so it was still pretty weak for this kind of a matchup.

"HOO HA!" Bruno said again, throwing out his Onix.

"CUBONE, use Bone Club!" Cubone rushed the Onix and slugged it with it's bone, having minimal effect. Onix rawred in Cubone's face and sent it flying across the arena with a flick of it's massive tail. Cubone tumbled in the dirt, wounded but still awake.

"USE A FULL RESTORE, MIKE!" Vixen said.

"LEMME RUN MY OWN BATTLE, DAMMIT! Cubone, drink this." Mike threw a full restore to his Pokemon who drank it gratefully. Its wounds healed, its fists clenched, and Cubone's body glowed a brilliant white. Before their very eyes Cubone evolved into Marowak. Onix was less than impressed and lunged headlong at Marowak. Marowak was no bitch though and easily dodged out of the way. It parried and blocked every tail swipe and rock throw Onix threw at it, then countered with a bone rush.

"Good job, now give it a bonemerang!" Mike commanded. Marowak threw it's bone. It exploded upon impact, kicking up a cloud of dust and rock. Mike, Vixen, and Marowak were thrown to the floor, but Onix was out of commission.

"HOO HA!" Bruno said, returning Onix. He drew his second pokeball and summoned a fierce Machamp.

"MIKE THAT GUY LOOKS TOUGH!" Vixen said frantically.

"Vixen, I think you better take it," Mike panted, "I think I need a break soon, I'm crashing and Marowak needs a breather."

"YEAH! PLUS ALL THAT TALKING ABOUT BONES WAS MAKING ME HOT!" Vixen replied. Marowak looked at her suspiciously.

"There'll be plenty of time to take care of that after I've become champion," Mike replied.

Vixen stepped into the arena, She was ready for this. Machamp lunged forward, swinging it's four huge arms like clubs, trying to catch her off guard. Vixen used agility to dodge and block. No matter how fast Machamp tried to strike, Vixen was able to get out of the way. It was too big and too slow, though she knew if even one punch connected it would be over. Keeping a safe distance, Vixen peppered the Pokemon with a pin missile. Machamp brushed off the peppered prickly pins and punished Vixen with a powerful punch. Vixen met it with a thunderpunch of her own and the resulting shockwave shook the ground.

"Vixen, stop goofing off and use double kick..." Mike said from the sidelines. Vixen did just that with two swift kicks to the tenders. Machamp winced, took a step forward, but finally collapsed to the ground.

"HOO HA!" Bruno grunted, angry at such foul play on the field of battle.

"YEAH? AND WHAT'RE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT?" Vixen mocked.

"I'm going to write a letter to the Pokemon League Commission about revising the regulations regarding tournament matches, proposing alternative clauses that will help to curb the abuse of loopholes."

"Umm... okay..."

With that Bruno went into his office and began to type up a well designed presentation complete with powerpoint slides and handouts. 


	28. Chapter 28

By this point Michael was starting to come down off of the Full Restore. Vixen on the other hand was still completely wired. As the two proceeded into the next room the air became thick with a dense fog. Obscured and dim lighting cast long winding shadows on the ground, which seemed to be an overgrown grass. Grave markers peppered the arena, punctuated by the occasional gnarled tree. Mike took a step in but Vixen clung to the doorway.

"Vixen, what are you waiting for?" he asked.

"I CAN'T DO IT, MIKE! IT'S TOO SCARY!" she cried.

"Too bad!" Michael grabbed the collar of her shirt and pulled her in.

"MICHAEL NOOOO!" she said, kicking and flailing.

"Yes."

"NOOOOO!"

"Yes!"

"NOOOO!"

"GOD DAMN IT, VIXEN, SHUT UP!"

"NOOOOOO!"

At last Michael had dragged his companion to the arena to challenge Agatha. The leader of ghost Pokemon, Michael would need to be careful what he used against her.

"BUT MICHAEL, I'M AFRAID OF GHOSTS!" Vixen whined, cowering behind him.

"How are you still hyper from that full restore?"

"I DON'T KNOW!"

"Well get over it, we have a match to win." At this point Agatha appeared from behind a particularly large grave stone. Vixen promptly freaked out and hid, then began rummaging through her things.

"Greetings, Michael. I am Agatha of the Elite Four. I don't know how you managed to make it this far but I can assure you, your journey ends with me. One way or another."

"I DON'T WANNA DIE!" Vixen shrieked.

"For god's sake, Vixen, what the hell are you doing back there!"

"TRYING TO SAVE US FROM THE GHOSTS!"

"Whatever, GO! HOSHIZAMIHIRIGAMI!" Mike said, ignoring Vixen and throwing his pokeball. His Charmeleon popped out, ready for action.

"I choose you, Gengar!" Agatha said. The deep purple beast came out of the shadows, red eyes standing out against its almost invisible body.

"OH MY GOD MICHAEL HIDE ME!" Vixen cried, still looking through her stuff.

"Vixen, shut up!"

"Gengar, nightshade!" Agatha commanded.

Mike snapped his attention back to the battle and responded quickly, "Hoshizamihirigami, use flamethrower!"

The attacks clashed, sending both Pokemon reeling. The dark arena played to Agatha's advantage and nearly hid Gengar.

"Hoshizamihirigami, use ember, try to light the place up!"

"Charmeleon!" Hoshizamihirigami replied, spitting lit embers across the field. Light flickered off the grave stones and trees, giving contrast to Agatha's elusive Gengar.

"Gengar, use confuse ray!" Agatha shouted. Beams of dark red light shot from Gengar's eyes, just barely missing Hoshizamihirigami.

The two Pokemon battled furiously while Vixen continued to scramble through her enormous purse, throwing various pieces of junk to and fro.

"Vixen! Watch what you're doing back there, you almost hit me with... a Book of Mormon!" Mike inquired, holding the book in his hands.

"IT WAS FREE, I HAD TO TAKE IT!" she replied, "BESIDES IT LIKE TOTALLY BLEW MY MIND!"

Under any other circumstances Michael probably would have pressed the issue but he needed to turn back to the battle, "Uh... Hoshizamihirigami, use fire spin!"

His Charmeleon trapped the Gengar in a swirling pillar of fire but the foe Gengar countered with hypnosis, putting Hoshizamihirigami to sleep. Mike tried to call to him but he was out like a light. Behind him, Mike heard Vixen tapping away on her phone.

"Vixen, I'm in the middle of a match and Hoshizamihirigami is asleep! I need you to be ready to go!"

"I FOUND MY PHONE, I'M CALLING FOR HELP!" she replied earnestly.

"You're what? Who are you gonna call?"

Vixen was mumbling to herself on the phone, so Michael turned back to Hoshizamihirigami. The Gengar was still trapped in the fire spin but it managed to use night shade through the flames, crushing Hoshizamihirigami with it's dark powers. Mike called to his Charmeleon again but it was no use, he wouldn't wake up.

"Vixen, are you just about done, I need you in there.

"DON'T WORRY MIKE, THEY'RE ALMOST HERE!"

"What are you talking about!"

As they spoke a siren was heard blaring down corridor. "It can't be..." Mike said to himself. The noise grew louder and louder until an old fashioned ambulance burst through the wall of the arena. Out stepped none other than Bill Murray, along with his entire ghostbusting entourage.

"You've got to be shitting me," Mike said, his jaw on the floor.

They whipped out their proton packs and, on the count of three, zapped Gengar. It kicked and writhed in the beam, lashing out at everyone nearby. They swung the Pokemon around the arena as it smacked into rocks and trees until finally showing signs of tiring.

"We've almost got it, just don't cross the beams!" Egon said. But it was too late, they crossed the beams. The explosion killed almost everyone but catapulted Mike and Vixen into the next room where Lance waited.


	29. Chapter 29

Unlike the previous arenas, this massive room seemed to have no gimmick. It was an enormous empty chamber with a cement floor and etched lines for the arena. Across from the doorway stood Lance, the final member of the Elite Four and the former League champion. Victory was so close Mike could taste it.

"This is it, Vixen. If I can just beat Lance I'll be a Pokemon League champ!" Mike said, his eyes sharp with confidence.

"BUT MIKE! LANCE IS THE DRAGON MASTER! HOW ARE YOU GONNA BEAT-"

"STOP YELLING!"

"...how are you gonna beat him?"

Mike scoffed, gesturing at Lance on the far end of the arena, "Pfft, how can someone be a dragon master? Anyway, he doesn't seem so tough."

"Not so tough, eh?" Lance replied, scowling.

"Yeah, come on, Lance, let's see what you got."

Lance smirked as he was enveloped in light. Michael and Vixen had to shield their eyes as he seemed to grow to monstrous proportions. When at last the light died down they gazed at the creature that now stood before them.

"CHARMELEON!" said Hoshizamihirigami, meaning "GREAT SCOTT!"

Great scott indeed, for it was none other than the dreaded Onyxia.

"Oh chill," Mike replied, "I've solo'd Ony plenty of times. This burger is flipped." Mike pulled out his sword and board and the Awesomerocks family armor from his backpack.

"You carry that stuff with you?" Vixen asked.

"Sure. Uh, if I need DPS feel free to help out," Mike said as he geared up.

"What's DPS?"

"Nevermind, I should be able to handle this," Mike said, standing in full Paladin Tier 7. He charged Ony, his sword bared, but barely made it to the other side of the arena before a tail swipe sent him flying into the wall. "OH SHIT!" he exclaimed, "They reworked her for the patch! Quick, Hoshizamihirigami, call for backup!"

"Charmeleon!" Hoshizamihirigami said. He whipped out his cell phones and started texting like a maniac.

Mike reached inside his armor for a pokeball, "Snorlax, GO! Hold her off until we get reinforcements!" Snorlax popped out of his ball, ready for action. Even though he was as big as an American he was still dwarfed by the sinister black dragon. The two exchanged blows, Snorlax's thick blubber soaking the damage from her claws and flame. Mike turned to Vixen, "Keep him healed!"

"I'm not a healer! I don't even play Warcraft!"

"Damn it, I'm prot spec, this isn't gonna work!" Mike said, throwing slow and clumsy Flash of Light spells to keep Snorlax's health up. Vixen realized she had to do something though and started blasting the dragon with thunder attacks. They didn't do much damage though, Onyxia was clearly set to 25 man. Eventually Mike's mana pool dried up and Snorlax could hold her off no longer. Exhausted, Snorlax collapsed onto its side. Mike chugged a mana pot and threw down a Consecrate to take the beast on himself.

Behind the chaos, Hoshizamihirigami let out a triumphant "Charmeleon!" Then Gandolf the Grey and Gandolf the White and Monty Python and the Holy Grail's Black Knight and Benito Mussolini and the Blue Meanie and Cowboy Curtis and Jambi the Genie, Robocop, the Terminator, Captain Kirk and Darth Vader, Lo Pan, Superman, every single Power Ranger, Bill S. Preston and Theodore Logan, Spock, The Rock, Doc Oc, and Hulk Hogan all came out of nowhere lightning fast.

"Fantastic!" Mike said, relieved at the sight of an assembled pug, "You two, I need you to tank the adds when they spawn, healers I need you on the MT first-"

"LEEEROOOOY JEEEENKIIINS!" shouted a crazed lunatic as he charged in from the back of the room. He was immediately tail swiped into the whelp pit.

"MANY WHELPS! LEFT SIDE!" Mike called as the band of heroes were thrown into disarray.

"Mike, this is crazy, we need a plan!" Vixen said.

"WHO SAID THAT! THAT'S A FUCKING 50 DKP MINUS!" Onyxia then entered stage two. The whelps were slowly dealt with as the dragon launched fireballs across the arena. Lasers and spells flew through the air to bring her down but there weren't enough DoTs. Before long she hovered by the wall and took a deep breath.

"GET TO THE WALL!" Mike yelled. No one listened and instead ran in circles as the immolation consumed the battlefield. Vixen and Hoshizamihirigami though were safely by the mouth of the whelp cave. Over the course of an hour with Michael healing and Vixen and Hoshizamihirigami DPSing the great dragon landed. Whelps dashed to and fro, Mike's health was sustained only through Full Restores and spot heals, but at long last Michael's sword cleaved the great dragon's head. The victory was theirs.

Loot fell from the corpse and littered the arena. "I WANT THAT BAG!" cried Vixen, looking over an enormous dragon skin purse.

"Sweet!" Mike said, grabbing a new T2 replica helm off the ground.

"Charmeleon!" said Hoshizamihirigami, taking a DPS necklace, "A rather beautiful trinket."

Adorned in their newfound loot they marched into the next room where the champion waited.


End file.
